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Review: If You’d Told Me the Premise of “The Last of Us” Before You Made Me Watch It Then I Wouldn’t Have Eaten All That Psilocybin Earlier

I know I’m a little bit behind the times on this – I mean, that game came out like ten years ago and somehow I know nothing about it – and while I’m still happy to see Pedro McHandsomeFace as a sexy, post-apocalyptic Han Solo smuggler type, you could have at least told me that it was a fungus plague that ends humanity before I ate all those psychedelic mushrooms earlier.

You watched me eat them! And when I asked why you were laughing you just said “oh, you’ll find out.” Then the very first scene is the fuck-up brother from “The Mummy” explaining how fungus is an unstoppable apocalypse waiting to happen right as the psilocybin starts bending light particles around me. Oh Jesus, am I infected now? Are wispy mushroom tentacles going to start growing out of my mouth too?!

And who the hell is that bossy little girl that looks like a pale garden gnome? Now I’m having flashbacks to my big sister making fun of me because I accidentally pooped myself a little at Six Flags that one vacation. It’s making me feel like if I were in a mushroom armageddon, then I would definitely die in a bathroom – I hate this.

Oh sure, now they’re introducing new characters like this plot wasn’t confusing and frightening enough already. And great, one of them is a right-wing prepper nutjob. What the hell is happening?

Wait a minute, I think I got it now. So those two guys, Hank and Phil, they’re in love and also somehow old at this point. I think the drugs might be fucking with my timeline a bit.

Oh no. Oh no! He’s dying! I can taste my emotions and they’re making Hank die right in front of me! THEY’RE BOTH DYING! Oh God, they just love each other so much! Love is real again! “The Last of Us” and psilocybin saved love!

Wow. Okay, I think I’m coming down now. Fuck, that was a really healing experience for me. Can we watch this show again next week? I’m gonna do ketamine and see if that bossy little girl gives me some epiphany about the nature of hope.