SINGAPORE – Crypto.com CEO Kris Marszalek announced the commercials his company runs at this year’s Super Bowl will act as a Public Service Announcement to warn the public about the dangers of investing in such a stupid product, penniless sources confirmed.
“Last year’s game was dubbed the ‘Crypto Bowl’ because companies like ours were flying high with splashy ads,” stated Marszalek as he tried to talk an investor off a ledge. “Then everything went to shit, highlighted by FTX’s bankruptcy and fraud. But instead of bailing on the big game this year like those cucks at Coinbase and eToro, we’ll be back and bigger than ever. We’ve got an exciting ad with one of the members of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, Hester M. Peirce, explaining the risks of crypto to one of those blue things from Avatar in their native Na’vi language. It’s gonna be epic.”
Local crypto bro Dawkins Hinshaw wished there was this type of initiative a year ago before he ignored all the obvious warning signs.
“I’m so screwed,” said Hinshaw on the way out from his liquidation proceedings. “Last year the ads were promising instant wealth if I invested every last cent I had. I’m a huge fan of Matt Damon so when he told me ‘Fortune Favors the Brave’ I immediately cashed in my 401(k) and went balls deep into crypto because I ain’t no soft boy, I’m a brave boy. But turns out I was a dumb boy who’s now a poor boy, left holding nothing but my own dick with my stupid diamond hands. Could you give me a lift home? My wife got the car in the divorce and my mom says she won’t pick me up anymore.”
World-renowned crypto expert Matt Damon offered his take on the story.
“Please stop harassing me, you know I’m not an expert. It was just an acting gig,” he said while at Whole Foods where he was coincidentally buying some apples. “I didn’t force anyone to invest. If you’re so easily swayed by advertising, maybe you should move to North Korea. Plus, if I had that much power to control society don’t you think I would have forced more people to see The Great Wall? But I am excited to be featured in this year’s ad, mainly because the SEC said they won’t prosecute me if I cooperated.”
At press time, crypto companies were still raising millions from Silicon Valley which never seems to learn its lesson.