Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man Playing Double-Neck Guitar Clearly Overcompensating for Having Only One Penis

LOS ANGELES — Several members of the crowd at a local hard rock show suspected guitar shredding has-been Dwayne “Tiger” Richmond’s over-the-top noodling of his double-check guitar may have been his way of overcompensating for having only one dick, confirmed several sources wanting a look inside the guitarist’s slacks.

“These people, they envy me. I’m out here, giving them all the show of talent and badassery the likes of which the world has never seen,” a clearly balding Richmond explained. “Every Night I rock out, giving my all. Rocking just as, if not harder than anyone out there with two dicks. Not saying I don’t have two dicks, but if I did only have one dick, I would still be just as good at playing guitar. I mean, monopenis is a thing, but I wouldn’t know, I’m too busy melting faces with solos to be bothered by that sort of thing.”

Showgoer Alice Munro witnessed the sad behavior Richmond displayed on stage that embarrassing night.

“After about three songs into their set, me and several other people in the audience pretty much all caught on to what was happening,” Munro explained. “This glammed-out dude with one of those double guitar things just kept shredding and shredding. It’s like the guys that hang giant fake testicles off the bumpers of their trucks, they are clearly insecure about the fact they don’t have at least a dozen testicles bouncing between their thighs. I feel bad for these guys, nobody cares about their genitals and it drives them to do strange things.”

Rock n’ roll historian JT Cutler is well aware of the world of famous musicians who are obviously trying to make up for their deficiencies.

“Insecurity is the motivating factor for every artist ever,” Cutler said. “Whether it stems from a loveless childhood, or issues in adulthood, most rock stars are trying to fill a giant void in their life. Only a few people know that Slash got so good at guitar because he was afraid of what people would think about his third nipple. And Jethro Tull, he got so good at the flute because he learned early on, he would never have the ability to bring his lovers to climax in bed. Musicians are people too, and have common, everyday problems like these.”

At press time, Richmond was seen taking out the gourds that created two large bulges in the crotch of his spandex.