PHILADELPHIA — Point Breeze crust punk Jett Cordova is reportedly delighted to riot regardless of whether or not the Eagles win Super Bowl LVII, sources already looting the nearest Wawa confirmed.
“Typically the only part of football I like is watching dudes who would’ve given me a wedgie in high school beating CTE into each other’s brains. But with the Eagles in the Super Bowl I’m really excited to get back out and burn this city to the fucking ground,” Cordova said following a Locust Deli beer run. “Typically Philly sports fans will wreck their own shit whether their teams win or lose, so I obviously can’t miss that. Plus, It’ll be nice to catch up with all the friends I got arrested with celebrating the Eagles’ win back in 2018. Mark my words, this is the year I knock out a cop.”
But some in the punk community, like Allison Moretti, intend to skip the big game entirely to secure a prime spot for the inevitable riots.
“I get the appeal of watching a bunch of sweaty people crash into each other, but I see that all the time at shows — which are way lighter on commercials, mind you,” Moretti said while camping on top of a bus shelter. “Real Philadelphians know not to waste time watching the game, lest we waste precious time while the cops are distracted with their parties. I’ve been out here since noon checking which lampposts those pigs didn’t grease. By the time they try to stop me, I’ll already be on top of this thing.”
City planner Todd Sartini insists any potential riots will remain under control.
“Whether the fans desecrate city property to celebrate or to grieve the Eagles’ fates, my fellow municipal employees and I are prepared for the worst,” Sartini insisted. “We have shatter-resistant windows in most of our buildings now so I’m not too concerned. I might even look outside and watch those crazy kids get their skulls bashed in by our wonderful boys in blue. I don’t pay much attention to sports, punks, or police officers, but I hope everyone has fun.”
At press time, and despite Dallas not being in the Super Bowl since the ‘90s, Cordova was heard repeatedly screaming “Cowboys suck” at every passerby.