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Secure Attachment? This Woman Doesn’t Associate Flowers With Being Cheated On

This woman’s boyfriend just gave her a dozen long-stemmed red roses for “no reason.” Oh no! She’s probably going to need someone to lean on after this devastating blow to her relationship. I know I sure as hell wouldn’t trust a man if he brought me flowers. Even if he was bringing them to my funeral. Honestly, he should have saved his money and given her the same semen-filled condom he used to cheat on her with.

“But he does stuff like this all the time!” said Tara Williams, placing the flowers on her mantle alongside a collection of handwritten love letters from her boyfriend, Frank Hawkins. “He says it’s his way of showing how much he loves and appreciates me.”

She’s clearly still stuck in the denial stage of the grieving process. Everyone knows the more ornate the flower, the worse the sexual indiscretion. A pricey flower like an orchid or rose may indicate your boyfriend is having an affair with your best friend, whereas something cheap and playful like a carnation suggests something minor, like sending dick pics to women on a dating app he “forgot to delete.”

I expected her to launch his most valuable possessions into the street by now but instead, she’s calmly asking him what he wants for dinner. Where are her hair-trigger reactions to imagined scenarios? Where is her fear of abandonment? I bet she even thought that time he randomly shaved his pubes was just an innocent personal hygiene experiment. If she has any dignity at all, she’ll give him the silent treatment for a week and then interrogate him using methods not even permitted at Guantanamo Bay.

Just two weeks ago she believed him when he said he was late getting home because of car trouble. If “car trouble” is a euphemism for getting your dick sucked in the stairwell of your office building, I believe you too, Frank. Her willingness to trust her partner and openly accept love into her heart is a recipe for disaster that I can’t bear to watch.