Sex Playlist Has Too Many Weird Al Songs On It

Posted on by Bobby Korec

IRVINE, Calif. — Local woman Jasmine Dreskel put a stop to her boyfriend’s sexual advances after noticing his custom lovemaking playlist curiously contained several Weird Al Yankovic songs on it, confirmed white and nerdy sources.

“Maybe there’s something severely wrong with me, but I just can’t get in my sexy place when ‘Polka Your Eyes Out’ is playing on an unamplified iPhone speaker on the nightstand,” said Dreskel before discovering the entire Spotify playlist was a whopping 187 minutes long. “Don’t get me wrong. I love ‘Amish Paradise’ as much as the next guy, just not when I’m trying to satisfy my sexual urges. To be honest, the playlist started off extremely well. I got that good old sensual feeling after a couple of Boyz II Men and Sade songs, but the minute I heard the opening to ‘Eat It’ and realized pretty quickly it wasn’t the Michael Jackson version, I had to put an end to it. Only a real pervert would get off on parodies about food.”

Dreskel’s boyfriend Ronald Tomlinson didn’t see what the big deal was about his carefully assembled playlist.

“This is a big red flag for me,” said the Tomlinson. “You’re trying to tell me, the lyric ‘yabba dabba, yabba dabba dabba doo now’ doesn’t immediately get your sexual desires to go haywire? I mean, please. She might need to seek therapy to see if there’s some sort of deeper underlying issue afoot. It’s not like I put any of Al’s non-parody works on the playlist. Believe me, I think I showed a lot of restraint by not including his classic ‘Dare to Be Stupid’ on it. What a complete waste of my playlist, Boner Party 69.”

Local therapist Gene Carter noted the challenges couples face when they don’t see eye to eye in the bedroom.

“Only relationships built on mutual respect of how each other gets off are the ones that go the distance,” said Carter. “That goes for sex playlists too. Not everyone agrees on what’s musically erotic. That’s why you need to be upfront with your partner about what turns you on. Just the other day I was with a couple where the man would get sexually amped up by listening to Tenacious D, but the woman was more romantically prone to Flight of the Conchords. So, what did they do? They agreed to listen to both simultaneously in bed. That’s called compromise.”

At press time, Tomlinson decided to delete the Spotify playlist entirely before noticing that his sex compilation garnered nearly 3,000 followers overnight.

I Met My Higher Self and Wow What a Fucking Know-it-All

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

I’ve always dreamed of one day meeting my higher self. I want to really connect with my true nature, unadulterated by ego and the insecurities therein. But I didn’t think it was actually possible for me to achieve this. However, by quieting my mind and listening to the silence, I can attest that I was able to meet my higher self.

And Lord, talk about smug.

I knew something was off when I saw it sitting there with a look of total bliss yet also presence. Can you imagine how exhausting it must be trying to maintain that shtick? And then it says we can get started “whenever.” I wasn’t falling for any mind games, so I sat right down and said it’d better give me some enlightenment fast if it knew what’s good for it.

Of course, you ask this prick a question and it just throws it right back at you. “What does enlightenment mean to you?” I shit you not. That’s literally what it asked, all with an expression that screamed, “I find a way to slip the fact that I went to an Ivy League school into every conversation.” When I didn’t respond it said, “Perhaps this is a question not to be answered, but to be examined throughout life and beyond.”

Christ, what dorm room pot party did I stumble into?

I told it right then and there that I wasn’t going to listen to any more bullshit and that I knew a scam when I saw one. I figured that would provoke some righteous fear. Well, here came the wannabe Gautama’s crowning achievement: “Our thoughts and emotions can take us to many places. But through patience and practice, not admonishment, we can work with them, not against them.”

Like I was gonna dignify that with a response.

I got out fast. I thought I was in the clear after that but I keep running into it. And it’s always got that same insufferable look on its face. Wow, way to try and suck the fun out of putting off sleep to mock crypto bros on Twitter.

Still, I learned a lot from this experience. Mostly, the fact that my higher self is a deluded narcissist who refuses to consider anyone else’s perspective. In a way, it’s kind of sad, really. I just hope it gets its shit together eventually.

Metal Band Sacrifices Bassist to Volcano God In Hopes of Prosperous West Coast Tour

Posted on by James Knapp

BEND, Ore. — Touring thrash metal band Vertical Gnome made the decision to toss their bass player into the mouth of an active stratovolcano as an offering to the gods of rock in the hope that they would make the band’s West coast tour fruitful and plentiful, optimistic sources confirmed.

“It’s our first tour of California, and also two dates in Reno, so we really need it to go well. We figured the best way to make sure we have absolutely killer shows is to sacrifice whatshisname to a volcano god. We just hope the volcano accepts our offering, it’s just a bass player after all,” explained guitarist Rob Stahl. “We were probably gonna turn his amp off for every show anyways, so it’s not like he’ll be missed. Trust me, he’ll do way more for this band in death than he ever did in life.”

Vertical Gnome bassist Al Wamplit gave his perspective shortly before being hurled to his eternal doom.

“For the love of fuck, this is madness! If you kill me you won’t have anyone to book the hotels or load gear at the end of the night. Think of the consequences,” pleaded Wamplit while struggling in vain to escape a fiery demise. “I swear, I won’t ask for any creative input ever again and I’ll tell my girlfriend she can’t hang out in the practice space anymore. Oh fuck, there’s so much lava! This never would have happened if I’d just joined an indie band.”

Dan Tucker, head park ranger for the South Bend Volcano Sanctuary and Crematorium, detailed the park’s history with pointless sacrificial offerings.

“This sanctuary was founded on the ancient burial grounds that the indigenous Oregonians used to ferry their ancestors into the afterlife. But now we have to fish stoner skeletons out of the magma pipe twice a fucking week with how these band morons treat it,” bemoaned Tucker. “And it’s not just bands. Last summer Stephen King tossed his publicist into one of these fire pits when he was about to head out on his last book tour. Granted, the book sold pretty well – but I don’t see how not having a publicist helped him at all.”

At press time, Vertical Gnome gave their sacrificial companion a solemn nod before heading off for their first big show at a dive bar in Bakersfield, California.

We Sat Down With a Ghost Fan Because His Parents Paid Us $100 to Babysit

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

We don’t usually give Ghost fans the time of day, but most parents don’t offer us a crisp Ben Franklin in exchange for just five hours of babysitting services.

When 15-year-old high school sophomore Hunter Nordin’s parents hired us to sit down with him while they saw a heavier band, we jumped at the chance to learn what else the kids find interesting these days.

The Hard Times: Nice Ghost shirt. Did you get that after they went viral on TikTok?

Hunter Nordin: Nope. I’m not one of those iPad kids you make me out to be. I got into Ghost when I heard them in the end credits of “Halloween Kills.” But don’t tell my parents, they don’t know that I watched it.

But you wear Ghost merchandise in real life, and that goes over well for you?

For the most part. There was a time when I almost got dress-coded for wearing a “Seven Inches of Satanic Panic” shirt to school, but once everyone heard “Mary on a Cross” the principal decided that I wasn’t a threat. Now I’m free to wear all the Ghost shirts I want. I just wish the school would give the same freedom to my friends who listen to heavier material. They always have to turn their shirts inside out when the security guards are around.

Define “heavier stuff.”

You know, Metallica, Imagine Dragons, Ariana Grande…

That’s rough. Do these friends of yours also enjoy Ghost?

They do! They’re not as dedicated as I am, but we all agree that the first two albums and most of Meliora rule. We would have loved to go to Imperatour together if it hadn’t been a school night, but maybe next time. Maybe you could be our chaperone?

What, your parents wouldn’t want to take you?

They would, but I’m totally screwed if one of their favorite bands books a show on the same night. Didn’t they tell you that they’re seeing Limp Bizkit right now? They’re way too hardcore to take me to a Ghost ritual.

Local Meadery Closes Early So Staff Can Go to Amon Amarth Show

Posted on by Zach Hudson

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich — Local meadery Springs of Fangorn closed early today when owner Mark Gray realized all of his staff had tickets to see Swedish metal band Amon Amarth later this evening, psyched sources report.

“Every single person requested today off, so I didn’t really have a choice,” said Gray. “The more I thought about it though, the more I knew I had no right asking anyone to work tonight. Hell, I’m certainly not going to miss this band whenever they come to town, so I don’t want to be a hypocrite towards my crew. Amon Amarth are epic live, the drummer plays on a massive viking helmet and the singer fights an inflatable sea monster during ‘Twilight of the Thunder God.’ I look forward to raising horns with my staff. Skol!”

The meadery’s closure has gotten attention and praise from local metalheads, as well as labor organizer Sasha West.

“This is a perfect example of the power of collective bargaining. Thanks to the actions of the meadery staff, the board game store down the street also closed so all of their staff could go to the show,” said West. “If more people would follow the example of these wanna-be viking weirdos, we could actually get a lot done. I’ve tried introducing myself to some of the mead-heads to get them to join our DSA working group, but they’re all busy LARPing this weekend.”

Amon Amarth vocalist Johan Hegg praised Gray’s decision, but also expressed his disappointment.

“We were really looking forward to going to Springs of Fangorn before soundcheck, so I’m a little bummed, but ultimately I think it’s great the whole team gets to come to our show,” said Hegg. “I wish they would have at least closed, like, an hour before doors though instead of the whole day. They’ve been hanging out outside our tour bus for eons and they’re piss drunk. I like mead, but I don’t know how you drink that much of it. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. I’m actually more of a hard seltzer guy.”

At press time, sources report that in addition to the board game store, the staff of the local taxidermy shop have walked out in order to attend tonight’s show as well.

If AI Art is So Immoral, Why Won’t it Make Me More Scooby Doo Hentai?

Posted on by Dan Rice

Lately, there’s been a lot of discussion about the ethics of AI-generated art. Since resources like DALL-E and NightCafe generate their images from databases without the consent of the original artists, some consider the images to be stolen. Well for something so “unethical” these so-called “art generators” sure have a lot of hangups when it comes to making me Scooby Doo porn!

Oh, so it’s cool to take food out of artists’ mouths, but helping me get my rocks off is a “violation of standards?” Seems highly fucking hypocritical to me, a guy with an abnormal sexual predilection for Hanna Barbara cartoon characters.

I’m not asking for the world here. “Big. Tiddy. Velma.” A child could draw that.

Doesn’t seem too immoral to me. Seems fairly prude actually. Seems like maybe AI art could stand to loosen the fuck up and not judge me maybe.

I know what you’re thinking, “Rule 34 of the internet,” right? “Surely pornographic images of the Scooby gang already exist.” Yeah, they do. Guess what? I burned through them all, OKAY?! I need MORE now.

While we’re on the rule 34 subject I would like to point out that there are whole sections of the Scoobiverse that have yet to be touched by perverts. There’s an entire season of “The 13 Ghost of Scooby Doo” but I’ve never seen cartoon Vincent Price getting it on with Scrappy. In 1972 the gang met the Harlem Globe trotters, let’s get them into the mix! What about Don Knotts? That’s right, I wanna see the cast of Scooby Doo have sex with Don Knotts. Don’t kink shame me, we have the technology!

It’s clear to me that things cannot continue the way they are going. AI art generators need to either commit to an ethical standard that compensates artists or, more preferably, shed the thin veneer of morality entirely and let me see once and for all what an orgy between the Scooby gang and the Herculoids would actually look like.

Retired Tour Van Enjoying Life as Holiday Inn Airport Shuttle

Posted on by Sara Mellas

ATLANTA — A 1996 Ford Econoline E-150 is spending its retirement transporting guests of the Holiday Inn safely to and from Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport after a successful 20-year career as a national tour van for various punk, ska, and post-punk bands, various part-time shuttle drivers confirm.

“I spent two decades getting driven around North America by kids in bands, chasing after their musical dreams. Sure, they were punks, but they were my punks. I loved the lifestyle—every day something new, the long days and late nights. Through good times and bad, I was always there for the kids. Unless I got stolen, which happened a couple times,” said the cargo vehicle, while parked outside the hotel entrance. “Anyways, after my last band got signed to a major label and moved up to a tour bus, I decided it was time for me to retire. I’ve got 193,000 miles on me and have had more windshield replacements than I can count, but I’ll be damned if I just sit idle in a parking lot. I’m glad to be staying active in my later years.”

A fellow member of the Ford E-Series who drove on many of the same tours is also looking to retire soon.

“I’ve known that motorized legend for years and have always admired him. He was a great mentor to me when I was just starting out,” said the tour van en route to kick off a Midwest tour. “I’m a 2002 so I’ve still got a couple more tours in me before I call it quits, but I’m looking forward to settling down on a less demanding job. I thought about maybe getting a gig as an UberXL or becoming part of the Amazon delivery fleet, but I’ve heard both have lots of odd hours and just kind of suck. Airport shuttling seems like a nice way to serve the public while maintaining a good quality of life.”

Local auto mechanic Mo Jones, owner of Big Mo’s Big Cars, believed this van was not like any other.

“I’ve worked on thousands of large vehicles in my day, and hardly any make it to the age and mileage that this Holiday Inn van is at,” said Jones. “Especially considering how many times it was backed into dumpsters or smashed into walls while trying to fit behind a venue to unload, it’s amazing this rig still drives so well. Guess it just goes to show what staying on top of routine maintenance will do for longevity.”

At press time, the airport shuttle stated that while it expects to have a few more good years left, when its day comes to cross the rainbow highway, it has arranged to have its parts donated to a local trade school for education and research purposes.

5 Reasons To Stop Believing in Astrology and Start Believing That the Sky Resembles a Backlit Canopy With Holes Punched In It

Posted on by Ryan Casey

Astrology is bullshit. Anyone with a drop of common sense can see that. College stoner bros like me are into way deeper, more science-y spiritual beliefs. It’s obvious that the stars and our birth month have no impact on our daily lives. The sky is not the driving force in our lives. The sky is clearly a backlit canopy with holes punched in it.

Here’s why you should dump your toxic spiritual worldview in favor of one based more around smoking weed on the beach while ripping off Pink Floyd:

It’s a hell of a lot easier than learning about astrology
What would you rather do: Read a bunch of stuff written by privileged pseudoscience pushers, or do you want to light up a blunt, feel your toes dig into the sand, and stargaze while thinking about aliens or whatever for three and a half minutes? Much like our lord and savior Brandon Boyd,

It’s less embarrassing
Seriously, are you really going to admit that you believe the moon and the stars dictate the future? Come on, now! You’ll look much cooler at parties telling the ladies about your new-age philosophy that you based around a song from 2002.

Dude, just look at it
The sky is clearly a backlit canopy with fucking holes punched in it. What is so hard to understand?

But, like, what if it really is?
Astrology people are so dogmatic. They believe so strongly in their bullshit that it’s starting to fuck up my vibe. Holepunch-canopy people like myself are much more willing to admit we may not know everything. Our beliefs are based in S.C.I.E.N.C.E. But what if we’re right? That would be crazy, dude. Woah.

No one will question your beliefs
They likely won’t ever bring up spirituality again. Or talk to you at all, honestly.

Album “Lacks Cohesion” Reports Woman Who Always Forgets to Turn Off Shuffle

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – A new album by melodic metal band Die Versity was described as “intriguing but unfocused,” by Rachel Pompey, a music fan with a tendency to accidentally leave the shuffle function on, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“People kept talking about how amazing this album supposedly is, and there are some really good songs on it for sure,” said Pompey, somewhat self-righteously. “But it has some serious pacing problems. Like, it opens with this short piano ballad that sounds like a reprise of this grandiose 8-minute track that comes immediately after. And then track three feels like it was supposed to be the opener since it starts with this drum roll that gradually gets louder before the guitars come in. If they were trying something different with the sequencing, it didn’t work.”

Jacquelyn Blois, a friend of Pompey’s who recommended the album, says this is a frustratingly common occurrence.

“I remember talking to Rachel after she listened to ‘The Velvet Underground & Nico’ for the first time and she said she didn’t get why they started with ‘Run, Run, Run’ when ‘Sunday Morning’ would’ve worked way better,” said a beleaguered Blois. “I explained what happened to her and she understood, but then a few days later she said how ‘Only Shallow’ was her new favorite closing track of all time, so I just stopped bringing it up and hoped she would figure it out on her own.”

Danette Neale, a musicologist and professor at Berklee College of Music, says “accidental album shuffle” is an issue that has become increasingly common for modern music consumers.

“Back when people exclusively listened to albums on physical media, there was pretty much no chance for confusion about what the track order was,” said Neale while flipping through their vintage LP collection. “But now, you could be more than halfway through an album before you even realize something is wrong. And then you have to decide if you want to start over right there or just try again later. As if streaming hadn’t ruined things enough.”

At press time, Pompey mentioned how a novel she recently picked back up after a four-month break had a totally muddled plot.

All Members of Trivia Team Only Experts in Power Metal

Posted on by Matt Grimminck

MILWAUKEE – Local trivia team “Ethereal Pursuit” developed a reputation as an easy crew to beat within the local bar trivia scene due to the fact their collective expertise only covers power metal music, confirmed sources well versed in sports and pop culture.

“They came into McFaddy’s with this aura of confidence you don’t normally find with an average team. Usually when a guy comes in wearing a kilt you know he means business so we totally thought they’d clobber everyone. They just look like the type of dudes that never leave their house,” said Trivia Host Brent Fodder. “Aside from the burly bald guy with a beard, they all tie their long, flowing air back. They’re all well-spoken. And they all tuck their HammerFall t-shirts into their jeans. But they had no clue that Ross was Monica’s brother or that ‘The Simpsons’ live on Evergreen Terrace.”

McFaddy’s patrons have welcomed the group to its weekly trivia night because it automatically moved them up in the standings.

“The loud guys are nice. Intense but nice. We thought it was weird that they instantly thought Kramer meant the guitar brand and not Seinfeld’s neighbor,” said fellow Trivia player Jackie Janney. “They couldn’t even get questions right about topics that were close to power metal. Aren’t all power metal songs glorified Tolkien references anyway? They screwed up every question about ‘Game of Thrones,’ which is weird because they all look like members of the House Targaryen. There was even a question about Iron Maiden that seemed tailored for them to answer, but I guess Maiden is a slightly different genre in the weird world of metal.”

Members of “Ethereal Pursuit” remain undaunted by their consistent failure to answer a single question.

“We ride into battle every week, wits as sharp as our axes, proud to claim glory for our kinfolk,” said team leader Marcus St. Mark as he drank a sip of his Meade. “I have a feeling they’ll be asking about 1980s Iced Earth albums or the lyrical themes contained inside Sonata Arctica songs any time now. We’re forging our irons, readying ourselves for battle, but these fools need to stop asking questions about this Dunder Mifflin place!”

At press time, McFaddy’s Trivia Judges decided to throw Ethereal Pursuit a bone by asking questions a series of questions about leather vests, flying v guitars, and Manowar album art.