CALGARY, Alberta — Local woman Deirdre McPhee is under the false impression that the lame love song her guitar-wielding boyfriend just sang to her was a prelude to an actual gift, according to cringing roommates nearby.
“Blake’s so thoughtful, playing that silly ballad was such a nice way to set the tone for the ‘big surprise’ he’s been talking about for weeks. I can’t wait,” stated McPhee, who somehow still hasn’t figured out what’s actually happening. “He just spent three minutes performing a new tune called ‘My Lovely Deirdre’ which was a bit corny, sure, but also sweet because he knows I love to laugh. I’m just waiting for him to come back from his bedroom with a necklace, or, maybe even a ring? I just know it’s gonna be epic! He must be really nervous, he’s been playing Xbox for the last 20 minutes, I’m sure it’s all to make the moment more special.”
Blake’s roommate Caleb Brunson witnessed the awkward encounter.
“Classic Blake, and classic Deirdre thinking with her endless optimism,” said Brunson who pretended to get something from the kitchen to witness the trainwreck. “This poor girl’s gonna sit here alone while he’s busy in his room playing ‘Call of Duty’ and texting the hostess from Red’s Diner. He’s been doing this for years, pawning off his shitty songs as some kind of heartfelt gift so he doesn’t have to spend shit on anyone. I heard that ditty he just played six months ago when it was called, ‘My Lovely Mia’. The guy’s total trash, which makes me feel a bit better that I’ve been secretly stealing his weed the entire time he’s lived here.”
Relationship expert Claudia Roberts warned women to be vigilant this Valentine’s Day if dating low-life artists.
“Women who date musicians should really temper their expectations,” explained Roberts. “One of the main reasons men get into music is so they can get out of buying things for their girlfriends or wives. People get so enamored when someone claims to have written a song for them that they don’t realize they’re being played for a fool. Sure, maybe your boyfriend singing a song about spending the rest of your lives together in Belize is legit, or maybe it’s a smokescreen so you’re blind to the fact that he’s been fucking your best friend Olivia for years. Sorry, I made that about myself.”
At press time, McPhee had fallen asleep on the couch and didn’t notice when her boyfriend finally exited his room, took some money and cigarettes from her purse, and left.