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So You’re the Only Dog at a House Party: 5 Ways To Escape Socially Awkward Losers

Well, it happened again! You’re a dog and your owners have decided to throw a goddamn house party, without consulting you or thinking what it will do to your schedule of naps and belly rubs. It turns out that your people are friends with a whole bunch of fucking losers who think it’s the job of a dog to ameliorate their inability to hold a meaningful conversation or even hold a glass of chardonnay without having a panic attack.

You’re going to be spending the evening escaping the clutches of nerds who brought a six-pack of hard Kombucha to a party, and you’re going to need some escape routes. Here are a few:

1. Act like you’ve smelled something really interesting in another room: If some dork from work somehow gets invited and wants to pet you all night so he doesn’t have to have to make eye contact with a human, just put your nose up, act really excited, and rush out of the room, even if you know there’s nothing in the other room but gross vegetable crudites.

2. Roll to show your belly, then keep rolling: Now, some people are not going to get the hint, the same as they didn’t get the hint that the party was really just a get-together with some really close friends. In order to keep their gross, clammy hands out of your fur, you’re going to need to resort to deception. Flop down, roll over like you trust them enough for belly rubs, then roll again, and again, until you roll right out of the room.

3. The MacKenzie Maneuver: These kinds of loser has never had a close friend in their life and they’re expecting “Man’s Best Friend” to pick up their fucking slack. Time to pull out the ol’ razzle-dazzle! Take a note from Spuds Mackenzie, one of the greatest dogs to ever live, and hop on a skateboard to roll out of there. The humans will be too astonished to even follow.

4. Smoke bomb: If they do, throw down a smoke bomb and bolt.

5. If all else fails, bite someone: Do it hard. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and you didn’t sign up to be one of those dork emotional support animals. Draw blood. Do it.