Awkward: Woman Not Sure What To Do With Hands During Handjob

Posted on by Dom Turek

You’re back at your date’s place and if the natural order of things follows, a Baltimore Handshake lies wait in his immediate future. You should’ve unleashed his beast ten minutes ago and gone to work on his junk like you were pulling up an anchor, but instead you sit there frozen. You’ve suddenly become hyper aware of your body, and your arms dangle at your sides like a pair of Genoa salamis but don’t worry. We’re here to help.

If you want to overcome sensory anxiety, try faking it until you make it. You can fool your mind into believing you’re relaxed by acting relaxed, and what looks more laid back than someone with their thumbs hooked through their belt loops and their pelvis gently tipped forward?
Assume this position while maintaining eye contact and your date will feel like he’s about to get a handjob from James Dean. If that doesn’t keep him hard I don’t know what will.

Now that his penis is out, start giving him the business. Unfortunately, he’s not big enough for a two-handed tug and he doesn’t like his balls touched, so you’ll need to busy that other hand with something sexy. Not like that. No rhythmic snapping. Ask him if he has a cigarette. What do you mean you don’t smoke? Oh come on, cancer runs in everyone’s family.

See if you can excuse yourself to “freshen up” and discretely check your purse for anything that could be useful in distracting from the elephant in the room that is your arm, like a tech deck or some Pogs.

Oh shit, you should get back over there. His dick is at half-mast and I think he just opened a game of online chess.

Since there was nothing in your bag except loose change and pepper spray, you’ll have to get creative with some hand gestures. Don’t be shy. Move those hands like you’re conducting the New York Philharmonic and when he gets close, —fuck, he’s completely flaccid and he’s asking you to leave. Don’t take it personally. Some guys just have performance anxiety.

Death Metal Guitarist Suffers Permanent Hearing Damage After Seeing One Movie at an AMC Theater

Posted on by John Danek

SANTA FE, N.M. — Seasoned death metal guitarist Robert Young incurred his first instance of hearing damage by attending a screening of the children’s movie “Puss in Boots: The Last Wish” at a devastatingly loud AMC Theater, concerned family members reported.

“I’ve spent countless hours standing inches away from 100 watt guitar amplifiers, and yet a kid’s movie at an AMC was by far the loudest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Young, rhythm guitarist in the OSDM band Presidential Assassin. “I was trying to be the cool uncle by taking my nephews out for the day. The trailers were so loud that a small trickle of blood emerged from my left ear after just a few minutes. My eldest nephew Aiden vomited into his Cherry Coke. I’m normally all for a sonic assault on the ears, but AMC is crossing the line. Doctors say I may never hear the nuance in my Boss HM-2 pedal ever again.”

An employee of AMC Theaters defended their choice to tailor the moviegoing experience however they see fit.

“Customers have so many entertainment options these days, but only AMC can give the explosive, immersive, ear-shattering experience of a multi-thousand watt sound system,” shouted AMC Theater operator and YouTube hearing aid reviewer Lorenzo Rowena. “You’ll feel like you’re literally in the helicopter while watching ‘Black Hawk Down,’ except the characters on screen actually wear hearing protection. You have to bring your own if you don’t want to incur decibels worth of pain.”

Audiologists debated the safety of setting movie theater volumes to substantially damaging volume levels.

“On one hand, AMC Theaters and their competitors are setting movie volumes so loud that they are definitely causing hearing damage, but on the other hand, it’s driving so much business to my office,” explained Cleveland audiologist Dr. Pamela Itzkoff. “Guitarists usually know how to position themselves to avoid damaging volumes, but moviegoers don’t stand a chance. Admittedly, my profits took a dip whenever Apple started adding max volume settings to their devices. But AMC is blowing out eardrums and racking up hearing aid sales like no one has before. I’m booked through next June.”

As of press time, Young’s health woes worsened upon the discovery that he is experiencing pancreatic failure after having multiple refills at the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine.

Prison Tattoo Artist Booked Until 2025

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CRESCENT CITY, Calif. — A highly sought after stick-and-poke tattoo artist at the notorious Pelican Bay State Prison revealed to fellow inmates that he is booked all the way through 2025, frustrated clients reported.

“Armed robbery is my profession, but crudely drawn freehand tattoos is my passion. I figured I’d hone my craft considering I’ve got 20 more years here, though I’m honestly surprised by how popular I’ve become. I’ve been at this for six months and I’m already booked solid for the next two years. At this rate I’m going to run out of toothpaste caps and soot by next week,” said Chuck ‘Big Bucks’ Polaski. “It really goes to show just how much people will risk getting tetanus for a tattoo that says ‘I LOVE PUSSY.’ I’m hoping with good behavior I can transfer and get a guest spot in a different prison.”

Inmates have been clamoring for bragging rights to be inked by Polaski, but have found booking an appointment increasingly convoluted.

“My cellmate and I were the first ones he tatted and man, did it get people talking. Nothing like getting ‘I will fucking kill you’ on my forehead to really show everyone who’s in charge. But now he’s a hotshot and I’m waitlisted for six months just for the consultation alone,” said triple homicide convict Mark Clemmons. “I miss when he used to take walk-in appointments. Rumor has it the only way to get in touch is to drop a three cig deposit to a guy named Slim at the back of the exercise yard on Tuesdays. Fucking bullshit, man.”

While Polaski’s popularity does not look to wane anytime soon, parole officers are worried that his work may have a negative impact on reintroducing convicts back into society.

“I can honestly say 90% of the ex-cons I work with are inked from head to toe, which is fine. But the real struggle is reckoning with the nature of the tattoos and how employers might perceive them. But thanks to social media, these ‘celebrity’ prison artists are blowing up. No matter how much I beg my parolees, they can’t seem to stop themselves,’ said parole officer Ashley Jones. “I know I can only get these people entry-level, low wage jobs. But even those employers won’t hire someone with blown-out swastikas on their eyelids.”

At press time, Polaski announced a sudden opening after his next appointment was shanked in the cafeteria.

Metalhead Forgets to Ask For Anything in Return When Making Deal With the Devil

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CLARKSDALE, Miss. — Local metalhead Perry Tate came across Satan himself at the crossroads and instantly sold his soul to the Prince of Darkness without ever asking for something in exchange, locals report.

“I was just so starstruck that I totally blanked. There he was, horns and all, with this contract and I just signed it in my own blood without asking for, like, telepathy or something,” Tate said after realizing he was locked in an eternal contract of damnation with nothing to show for it. “I mean you fantasize about meeting your heroes but when it actually goes down it’s nothing like you’d imagined. I should have at least asked for an autograph but I didn’t want to seem like some stupid fanboy, you know.”

The King of the Bottomless Pit, himself, even seemed taken aback by the encounter.

“You’d think he would have at least gone with the generic ‘master the guitar’ deal, but no. He just grabbed the pen and signed away. He kept telling me about how big of a fan he was, and he wanted to shake my hand, but he was sweating a lot so his palm was really clammy. It was super awkward,” Beelzebub said while filing away Tate’s contract. “I actually felt a little bad and was going to give him something anyway—like a t-shirt or a mug, but that’s not really a ‘me’ thing to do. I’m afraid once he gets down here he is going to be really clingy. I hate when they get clingy.”

Theology professor Father Mattew Glover believes this is a very rare occurrence indeed.

“I mean, selling your soul to the devil goes back about as far as the devil himself but this idiot forgot to ask for money, superpowers, or vengeance over his enemies. This is the first time I’ve ever heard of this happening,” Father Glover said. “Fame, fortune, extended life… the world was in this moron’s hands and he froze. Well, he has an eternity of suffering ahead of him to think about what he would have asked for if he didn’t fumble this one.”

Since the encounter, Tate states that he probably would have asked the Serpent of Old to make Taco Bell bring back the Seven Layer Burrito.

This Is the Year I Record My Magnum Opus Rock Opera and Also Figure Out How To Play Barre Chords Without It Hurting

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Enough is enough. For far too long, I’ve been waiting for inspiration to fall from the sky and land at my feet. No more! By the end of this year, I can guarantee two things: I’ll have my genre-shattering rock opera mixed and mastered and I’ll finally learn to play barre chords on my guitar without needing to put ice on my index finger immediately after.

Without giving too much away, this album will be an experience. I call it a “rock opera” but it’s more a deconstruction of the concept itself. I have this idea where the left channel is mixed totally clean but the right one gradually decays to the point of complete obliteration by the end.

Also, I’ll watch a couple more TikToks about fingering barre chords. I was actually doing okay with them but I could only get up to the chorus of “Teenagers” before all those B majors started to smart. But this year, I’ll be able to barre six strings without any discomfort or any of the strings returning a tuneless thud or chirp upon being plucked.

But guitar is just one aspect of this album. I’m going to have a whole host of instrumentation on this. It’ll seem like your typical five-piece setup at first until a droning reverie of clarinet takes you through a polyrhythmic timpani arrangement. And that’s just the first movement!

And when I get a few free minutes, I’ll try and work on barre chords some more. Or maybe I could just do some cool inverted chords instead. That’s more cutting-edge than an F#m or whatever, right?

No. I’m going to make this happen. Not only will I bring my opulent musical vision to life, but I’ll do it with the help of barre chords from the first fret to the twelfth.

But if it still really hurts, I’ll just figure out what to do with a capo.

Review: Metallica “…And Justice for All”

Posted on by Tim Graham

It’s Sunday, and that means it’s time to cast our critical eye on another classic album. This week, we’re looking at Metallica’s fourth studio LP, which many fans consider to be the band’s final great record before they really started sucking in earnest.

I’d like nothing more than to talk about the music itself, which is at times incredible—but it’s impossible to discuss “…And Justice For All” without addressing the issue of how bassist Jason Newsted was treated. Hired after the death of the legendary Cliff Burton, the initially excited Newsted found his new bandmates to be not very welcoming.

The fact that Newsted’s bass playing is practically inaudible in the final mix is insulting enough. Worse still is the abuse he suffered throughout rehearsals and recording sessions. The three original band members went to great lengths to remind Newsted that he was a “talentless worm who should get on his knees and thank them every day for the privilege of even being in the same room with them.”

The band later tried to brush off their reprehensible behavior as a practical joke. However, few could argue that wiring Newsted’s bass to a 480 volt transformer was in the realm of good-natured hazing. Lars Ulrich even berated Newsted for crashing into his drum kit after he was thrown across the studio upon touching the electrified strings.

On the night of Newsted’s first live appearance with Metallica, the band invited him to perform a bass solo, only to dump a bucket of pig’s blood over him as soon as he began. At the next show, he was tarred and feathered, resulting in second degree burns over much of his body.

Guitarist Kirk Hammett made Newsted paint his fence, claiming it was a Karate Kid-style veiled lesson in musicianship, when in fact Hammett just wanted his fence painted for free. They even forced the poor bastard to shave the sides of his head and maintain that goofy haircut for years.

Years later, Newsted was asked why he chose to endure such abuse and humiliation for so long. “When I joined the band, they tricked me into signing a terrible contract that amounted to indentured servitude,” he replied. “Besides, what else was I going to do, go back to playing in Flotsam & Jetsam?”

It could be said that Newsted had the last laugh, however. Before finally departing the band in 2001, he filled recovering alcoholic James Hetfield’s water bottle with vodka, triggering the frontman to relapse and spend the next two months in rehab.

Score: 3 out of 4 horsemen

/**/

End of an Era: Love Shack Demolished as Developers Plan High Rise Fuck Condos

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

ATLANTA – The Love Shack, a beloved little old place where we can get together for decades made famous by the B-52’s song, was torn down this week to make room for planned high-rise fuck condos, confirmed multiple sources sporting beehive hairdos.

“As we know the loss of The Love Shack is a disappointment to the amorous community we are planning to preserve the legacy of The Love Shack in our luxury apartments which will feature modern amenities, plenty of details to get your rocks off, all located just 15 miles from downtown,” said Fuck Condo lead developer Sage Price. “We will be incorporating the rusted tin roof into the sex dungeon decor and the faded road sign into our hump sauna. We have also teamed up with Fleshlight to furnish each apartment with sex toys that play ‘Love Shack’ at full volume every time you climax.”

City planners report irreparable structural damage was behind the decision to grant demolition permits.

“Unfortunately, the building was not long for this world,” reports architect Brett Garza. “All the hugging and kissing, dancing and loving that happened here nightly resulted in the kind of tensile and compressive damage that creates the overwhelming shimmying that was reported here regularly. The amount of glitter in the hallways and mattresses was also a respiratory hazard. And don’t get me started on the roof, that was a massive code violation. We saved so many lives by shutting it down.”

While the building may be gone the community will treasure the memories they all have of The Love Shack.

“We used to stay up all night in that line waiting to get in,” said Atlanta subculture historian Ethan Heel. “There was a secret door knock you had to do but the music was so loud you had to really bang hard. And the parking lot was atrocious. The lot was built to fit, like, a dozen cars but dudes are driving up in these giant whale-sized Chryslers and they need three spaces each. I think they may have been on coke.”

At press time, local advocacy groups are working to get the Brick House The Commodores sang so fondly about listed in the National Register of Historical Funky Places.

What To Do When You Match With All Five Goose Members on Hinge

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

So you matched with not one, not two but all five members of the jam band Goose on a dating app. You’re probably feeling a little trapped, thinking, “Shit, what have I done? And why am I so attracted to coastal elite guys who look like they know how to tap a tree for syrup?” But don’t worry, this can be a positive experience!

With these steps and a little finesse, the Goose boys will stop worshiping Trey Anastasio and start worshiping you.

First, make the first move…but make them think they’re making the first move. Send a GIF, react to their profile, and keep the banter light and fun. Don’t acknowledge the band, their musicianship, or genre, but do ask them about the music they like and their other hobbies. Play a little dumb. You can say “how many times have you seen the Dead and Company?” or “I’ve never listened to Phish, but I love their Ben and Jerry’s flavor.” Ask them if they telemark ski, their favorite type of hard kombucha, and what liberal arts college they were rejected from (HINT: It’s Middlebury).

Second, invite one of them over. Peter, Trevor, Jeff, Dirk, or Elmo, It doesn’t matter, just be sure to use your sensuality and undeniable charm to sleep with him. Remember, you matched with all the Geese, you’re at least a Connecticut 8.

Later, invite a different one over. Use your sensuality to sleep with him, too. Instead of normal aftercare, casually and subtly mention you fucked his bandmate. For instance, you could call him by the wrong name – “Hey Jeff…ah, I mean, Elmo, could you get me some water?”

At this point, they’ll probably have to leave town for their next gig. Be sure to exchange numbers with the remaining three. Slowly dial down your conversation with them, but every so often, send a flirty drunk text or earnestly recommend a song you’re digging and say “This made me think of you, you might like it.” Wait until Goose is in town again, and then sleep with the remaining three.

Once you’ve slept with all of them, you will have fulfilled the coveted “Fuck the Flock” challenge. For five Goose notches on your bedpost, you’ll receive a Yale dining hall voucher good for six meals, an engraved set of skis, free Dunkin for a year, and a tambourine.

After playing the long game, at least 2.5 members will be in love with you, and you’ll end up with a song named after you, a contract naming you as the recipient of 7.5% of their profit, and free IPAs for life. Congrats, you damn Goosehead.

Progressive Landlord Begins Email With Land Acknowledgement Before Raising Rent by 45%

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local Silver Lake landlord, and self-described progressive, Daniel Hickson began an email informing his tenants of a massive rental increase with brief land acknowledgment, confirmed sources who might have to move back in with their parents.

“As a second-generation land owner here in Los Angeles I know how important it is to recognize the indigenous tribes that once inhabited the region,” said Hickson who inherited multiple properties from his father. “I also know that those indigenous tribes would want me to get a fair market value for all the properties on their stolen land. If I’m renting a unit for anything less than the median rate of similarly-sized properties then that is a direct insult to The Tongva people and their ancestors. The Covid deals are over folks, time to start paying up.”

Erin McDonough rents a 388-square-foot studio apartment from Hickson and received the rental increase email.

“I really didn’t know what the point of the email was at first. He spent a paragraph talking about some of the tribes and how the L.A. River was key to agriculture in the area for millennia,” said McDonough while searching West Side Rentals for anything under $1,600. “Then I saw the part about how this is a six-day notice that my rent is basically doubling. He also said he would no longer be allowing pets unless we pay a monthly pet fee, and he somehow tied that to how the Tataviam never allowed dogs over 30 pounds to be part of their tribe. I don’t really know how to fact-check that, but it seems like a rip-off.”

Tenant’s rights advocates say landlords are using new techniques to deliver news of rental increases across the country.

“In left-leaning areas we see landlords trying to co-opt working class ideals to trick tenants into believing they are part of a socialist community, it rarely works but they won’t stop. In right-leaning areas landlords often say rent is increasing so they can use the money to defend gun rights and The Bible,” said Gina LaBelle of People Over Property. “Strangely enough that does work rather well. I once saw a rental increase letter inside of a pamphlet that said ‘Jesus Was a Landlord.’ I threw up when I saw it, and still get queasy when it gets brought up.”

At press time, Hickson sent a follow-up email declaring all of the the bathrooms in his portfolio will now be classified as “gender neutral” and this will come with a 12.5% rent increase across the board.

10 Potential Candidates for the GOP in 2024

Posted on by Sean Fallon

Even though we’re a few years out from the 2024 election, that doesn’t mean we can’t breathlessly speculate on who the GOP will run. Considering the last Republican president was Donald Trump, the sky’s the limit on who will be next to climb into the soiled diaper that is the office of the President of the USA.

Trump

Three-time election loser Trump has shown recently that he is losing some of his power over the party as more and more of his batshit candidates were bodied during the midterms. Not letting something like wild unpopularity and federal indictments get in the way of his strange need for absolute power, Trump has declared a run in 2024, and let’s face facts, he’ll probably somehow get the nomination.

Ron DeSantis

Ron DeSantis looks set to be the next Republican president if he can get past the fact that he has the personality and charm of a blank post-it note. Anointed by Trump, DeSantis has moved away from his patron to forge his own path as a cruel, petty leader lacking empathy and charm which should play very well with the Republican base.

Kanye

Ye once famously announced that George Bush doesn’t care about black people, a statement he would later utterly shit on by wearing White Lives Matter shirts and hanging out with racist assholes. Though his campaign in 2020 was an embarrassment, his recent forays into idiotic anti-semitism and hanging out with sentient bags of dog shit, may make him popular with some Republican voters even though he’s yet to learn how not to say the quiet part out loud e.g. “I loooove Hitler”.

The Ghost of Chester A. Arthur

A left-field choice to be sure but deceased former president, Chester A. Arthur (1829-1886) has secured a lot of support from the older members of the Republican party who were alive when he was president. Arthur famously said “there doesn’t seem anything else for an ex-President to do but to go into the country and raise big pumpkins,” but has now abandoned growing seasonal gourds in Hell in order to contest the 2024 election. Congressional lawyers are currently hard at work to see if that is allowed.

Boris Johnson

An interesting strategy considering he wouldn’t be remotely eligible for the job, but being able to do the job and getting the job are not really things that have stood in the way of success for Boris Johnson, the turd that the world cannot flush. Much like former president Trump, Johnson managed to get a lot of his countrymen killed by COVID while selfishly not succumbing to the disease himself. Only time will tell if this anal sore will find a way to attach itself to the US.

Rita Repulsa

Correction: We previously published that Rita Repulsa was in the running for 2024. However, Ms Repulsa’s lawyers contacted us to let us know that it is actually Sarah Palin who is running and while the similarities between the evil bitch who hates young people while being a scourge upon mankind and Rita Repulsa were clear, Ms. Repulsa is not affiliated with the Republican party.

The water levels on the first Sonic the Hedgehog game

Republicans love drowning small woodland creatures for fun, which has put the water levels on the first Sonic the Hedgehog game-high in recent polls of future Republican candidates. Watching the little blue creature gasp for air as players search for bubbles has had a Viagra-like effect on jaded politicians’ political fervor.

Elon Musk

Musk is unfunny, desperate for attention, hates the poor, makes his money from shady business practices, has a frankly awful meme game, he’s not sure how many kids he has, and he has a very punchable face. With all these traits, Elon Musk might be over-qualified to be the GOP’s nominee for 2024.

Walexandria Ocasio-Cortez

An evil version of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Walexandria was born into exorbitant wealth and privilege, dances like shit, and can’t make an Old Fashioned for shit. The only thing she shares with AOC is that Ben Shapiro desperately wants to debate her/suck her toes. Unlike AOC, WAOC is consistently unprepared during hearings and hates the poor. With all of those non-skills, she’s being touted for a future run at office with some toe-dipping to occur in 2024.

A Gun

Vote gun. You know you want to.