TERRE HAUTE, Ind. — Disappointed members of electro-punk outfit Lilypad Lads were sad to discover that their newly purchased vintage synthesizer was extremely difficult to use, stupefied sources confirmed.
“It just looked so badass, with all the different knobs and fancy patch cords and stuff. I didn’t know that it wasn’t the type of thing you could just turn on and start playing like a Casio. There’s a whole scientific aspect to modular synthesis that I clearly wasn’t ready for. Maybe they offer a class at the community college?” said Lilypad Lads lead keyboardist Larry Linzer. “I guess I shouldn’t have been so hasty in tossing the user manual in the trash. If anybody knows what ‘oscillator’ or ‘sine wave’ means, please hit me up, because I’d love to start using this godforsaken behemoth.”
Other band members shared Linzer’s crestfallen attitude after having their hopes dashed by the synth.
“I got pretty excited when I heard it making sounds from the other room, kind of a cross between a mortar blast and a hyena howl. But, then I went in there to find that no one was playing it, and it was just the noise it makes when the power adapter isn’t in all the way.” said drummer Lemmy Lornstein. “I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a few years before we figure out how to get anything tonal out of this thing. But you gotta admit, it looks so rad. Straight out of Mutato Muzika. I’ll be putting still images of this on Instagram starting tomorrow.”
NASA scientist Orson Florence reports that analog synthesizer unusability is a problem his team is hard at work on.
“We’ve got a whole wing of the administration sweating round the clock over it. The question of ‘why are the cool-looking retro synths the toughest ones to figure out’ is one that’s plagued mankind ever since Bob Moog burst onto the scene,” said Florence gravely. “The higher knob number makes it look more futuristic, thus badass, but at the cost of knowing what the hell is going on with it, functionally.”
“Much like a pet store might advise against the adoption of a dog one doesn’t have the means to take care of,” Florence cautioned. “We here at NASA must warn novice musicians not to bite off more than they can chew in the synth department. Leave that to the professionals.”
At press time, the Lilypad Lads found that the new synth was even hard to use as a coffee table, as it doesn’t have adequate space for setting down mugs.