Gen Zer Keeps Collection of Concert Ticket PDFs on Old Phone in Shoe Box

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BIXBY, Okla. — Local 24-year-old Rylan Humphreys recently came across an old iPhone containing dozens of QR codes from various concerts and shows she’s attended, nostalgic sources confirmed.

“I was in my childhood bedroom looking for an ounce of weed I swear I stashed in the closet, when I found my memory box. Most of it was useless shit like my birth certificate and a prayer card from pop-pop’s funeral. But I also kept a practically ancient iPhone 10 with PDF tickets of all the concerts I attended throughout high school all just sitting there in my Apple Wallet,” explained Humphreys who has no recollection of 9/11. “All those old QR codes brought back a flood of amazing memories, like the time I watched Deadmau5 pretend to turn knobs for three hours, or the practically spiritual experience of watching a Tame Impala live-streamed pandemic concert from my living room.”

Humphrey’s 33-year-old sister Abigail was confused by her younger sibling’s wistfulness.

“Rylan made me swipe through QR codes on a dusty old phone for 10 minutes before explaining that ‘this was his whole adolescence.’ I really feel for these younger generations. I’m glad I got to experience life before technology ruined everything. We actually had to print out the PDFs of our concert tickets, and the MapQuest directions to the venues,” said the elder Humphreys. “I tried showing my concert ticket collection to Rylan but first I had to explain to her the concept of paper. When I got to the part about printer paper being essentially slices of trees, she laughed in my face and called it ‘some fantastical hobbit shit’ before walking away.”

Retired concert promoter Bennett “Bean Wallet” Dotson lamented how technology had changed the business.

“When I was a kid, if we wanted to see our favorite bands we had to scour telephone poles and coffee shop message boards all over town and hope we come across a stapled flyer before it got covered up by ads for guitar lessons and barely veiled escort services,” said Dotson. “Now everything is so damn convenient. Bands can use the internets to speak directly to their fans, making concert promoters and our 25% cut of what they make at the door a thing of the past. It’s a sad, sorry state.”

At press time, a completely baffled Humphreys still is unsure what to think after finding the liner notes from her mom’s copy of “OK Computer.”

Game Changer: Marvel Fans Are Taking Scorsese’s Criticisms Seriously Now That He’s Emerged From Seclusion Jacked as Fuck

Posted on by Dan Rice

Remember a while back when Martin Scorsese thought that directing a handful of the most highly regarded films of all time entitled him to voice his opinion on Marvel movies? Of course you do! You were so angry when he called Marvel movies “Fun, but not necessarily cinema” you practically ground your own teeth into powder! But if you’ve seen the veteran filmmaker today, you might just change your tune.

That’s right, simp Twitter has done a full heel turn on Scorsese after he posted a photo of his new, totally ripped body with the caption “Steve Rodgers eat your heart out.”

It looks like the legendary director has learned his lesson. You don’t get to have opinions about an art form just because you’ve been one of its chief vanguards for almost 50 years. You get to have opinions by getting jacked as fuck and claiming to have done it without steroids.

Let’s take a look at the top replies:

“Totally floored by this guy’s transformation. Take note: this is how you prove you’re qualified to criticize the #MCU”
– @WakandaHulk22

“I thought those fake digitized cigarette burns in “Werewolf by Night” were cool, but now that #Scorsese has pecs I see them as a thirsty embarrassment that Marvel should be deeply ashamed of.”
– @FeigeFan_97

“Martin Scorsese has muscles so he’s right, but Chris Hemsworth has muscles, and he’s in those movies? I think I better go lie down for a few days.”
– @RealLifeThor420

“This is why Sam Raimi was the wrong fit for the MCU: no bicep definition. #BuffScorsese”
– @TheScarletTwitch9

“With Tony Stark gone, the Avengers are going to need a new tech guy. Maybe Howard Hughs? #TheAviator #ScorseseStrong”
– @Elon_Muskrat666

“Aside from the fact that he’s old and white, Kumail Nanjiani is lookin like a straight-up snack and I am HERE for it!”
– @Spiderhorny_teen3

“Falcon and Taxi Driver. All I’m saying. #BuffScorsese”
@PunisherJedi69

“You can’t develop biceps like that at the age of 80 and be wrong about what constitutes high cinema. You just can’t.”
@NotmySheHulkxx

“It’s time for the Academy Awards to give Martin Scorsese a little recognition. Oh, they have?”
– @wokeHawkEye77

Review: Slayer “Show No Mercy”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album. This week we reviewed Slayer’s “Show No Mercy” because we decided to try cocaine again.

And man, we gotta tell you, this album fucking rips! Like, whoa! We don’t know what it was that made this record slap so hard for us but something about listening back to this… wait one second, we got an idea for a screenplay. Never mind, it’s gone now.

So, the album. What the hell can even compare to this fucking epic shit? Like, just the way Kerry King’s guitar is all weeeeee weeeeee wooooo weeeeee, woooooo woooo wooooo, scredily dee scredily dee, whamp whamp whamp!

Now that’s metal!

Actually, didn’t this band used to have a different bass player? We’re gonna Google it real quick. Wait, how do you spell “Slayer?” Is it with three ‘y’s? How do you make an umlaut on an American keyboard? Whatever, we forgot what our original question was anyway.

Man, this album is heavy. Not as heavy as rocks though. Rocks are notoriously heavy.

Hey how many pushups do you guys think we could do right now? Probably like a hundred. With one arm behind the back. And the other arm behind the front.

What are you looking at? Stop looking at us. What are we, the cover art for “Show No Mercy?” That’s something to look at! But seriously, if you don’t stop lookin’ at us we’re gonna punch you square in the mouth. Wanna test us? Keep looking!

You know we haven’t talked to Bryan in a while. You all know Bryan right? Maybe we should call him right now.

Oh shit. We’re feeling kinda woozy all of a sudden. Whoa, what happened? We think we need to go lie down for a bit.

Uh, yeah, Slayer. It’s, uh, good. Whatever. The album stopped playing like two hours ago and we still haven’t been able to agree on what to listen to next.

SCORE: %$ out of 4& ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

/**/

Brendon Urie Delivers Panic! At The Disco Breakup Speech Into Mirror

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

LAS VEGAS — Former Panic! At The Disco vocalist Brendon Urie reportedly announced the band’s breakup to his bathroom mirror given that there are no other original members to inform of his decision, sources with high, high hopes confirmed.

“It was challenging to sit down and have this conversation about ending Panic! At The Disco, especially since I had to clean the little toothpaste spots off the mirror as soon as I woke up,” Urie admitted while avoiding eye contact with his reflection. “Seeing the pain behind those beautiful brown eyes just about broke my heart. I haven’t seen myself that sad since ‘Viva Las Vengeance’ fell off the charts. I’m looking forward to becoming a father and spending more time with my family. Still, I’ll always treasure the memories I made with such an incredibly talented and wickedly handsome band.”

Urie’s pregnant wife, Sarah, couldn’t help but overhear the exchanging of words and was surprised by the vulnerability of the conversation.

“I’m really proud of Brendon for taking time away from the band as we enter this new chapter in our lives,” said the future mother while texting a team of songwriters for baby name ideas. “It’s rare for him to spend this much time with his own reflection without hitting a high note that causes the mirror to shatter. Our household goes through glass objects faster than Panic! went through lineup changes.”

However, touring members of Panic! At The Disco were blindsided by the breakup as Panic! At The Disco is still slated to embark on a final tour of Europe and the UK later this year.

“I turned down a five-year contract with Ghost to focus on Panic! full time and this is how Brendon repays me? I had to hear about this on Twitter,” said touring drummer Dan Pawlovich. “Even a text or something would have been nice. It’s cute that he’s quitting music to start a family but I tour with him to feed mine. Not to mention, I was really looking forward to playing these songs live for the next few years. It’s so much easier to remember the parts when they all sound so similar.”

At press time, Urie graciously sent all touring members baby shower invitations along with their severance packages which contained an autographed copy of “A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out” on CD.

Man Who Liked Band Before They Were Cool Fails To Mention All The Shitty Ones He Liked That Never Got Popular

Posted on by Matt McInerney

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Self-proclaimed “music connoisseur” Ryan Lester, known for his uncanny ability to discover cool bands before you do, is reportedly omitting key details about his checkered past, blabbermouth loose-ends confirmed.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I have a long history of discovering some of the coolest bands on the planet. For example, I still have a copy of the very first Have Heart demo. I’m talking about one you couldn’t even find listed on Wikipedia because it was on some burned CD-Rs.” said Lester. “And how about the time I saw Thursday perform their first show to only like nine people? This was so long ago they were called Wednesday back then. And my first show ever? I had At The Drive-In play in my basement. And for this show only, they had Beto O’Rourke on bass.”

Jean Lambert, former bass player of the local band Gold Chunk, used to see Lester at shows all the time.

“I know Ryan likes to act like a cool guy now, but he would come to see every shitty band we played with. I can remember this god-awful Christian hardcore band, Friday Night Fights. He used to worship them. Like, literally would do that ‘Wayne’s World’ bit in the pit,” said Lambert mimicking the bow. “Or Criminal Inskanity, that band with the DJ/trumpet player. He made me knock on their van to ask if they’d autograph his pork pie hat and Adidas. Mortifying. They were almost as bad as his favorite band, Flazid Hatchetz.”

Emerson Moon, the owner of the local record store, saw it all.

“Ryan used to come in all the time. Always in the nu-metal section, as I recall. He’d ask me stuff like, ‘hey, you got anyone that sounds like Trust Company?’ I’d always attempt a recommendation, but nine times out of ten, he’d bring up some obscure band with a typo in their name,” said Moon shaking his head. “Well, I guess he took my recommendations from time to time. I used to beg him to listen to my favorite local band, Have Heart. I gave him a demo, and at least he brought it home. I remember he came back and told me, ‘the vocalist is no Aaron Lewis.'”

At press time, Lester was seen by friends tackling a woman at a dinner party as she attempted to add an unsanctioned song to his signature “Cool Party Tunes” Spotify playlist.

Watch Out! This Rebel Wears a D.A.R.E. Shirt Even Though She Does Drugs

Posted on by Ernie Dixon

Ask any 90s kid if they remember the D.A.R.E. program and odds are you’ll open up a wellspring of childhood memories. Reagan helped spread the anti-drug initiative throughout the United States and ultimately left an entire generation with a shared school experience and lots of ironic D.A.R.E. swag in its wake. Its entire mission was to provide education about the topic and keep kids from experimenting with drugs.

But apparently this girl didn’t get the message!

This weekend, we were exiting a party when we stumbled upon a group of weed smokers by the back door. Imagine our surprise when we saw one of them casually blowing smoke into the winter night while wearing a D.A.R.E. t-shirt. Wow. Even though the program’s aim was to deter people from using drugs, here we have someone actively doing them while sporting her D.A.R.E. t-shirt. Unbelievable.

We were suddenly a bit worried. If this woman was willing to do something as blatantly ungovernable as trying drugs without any concern about the repercussions, who knows what else she might be capable of? Arson? Burglary? Murder? Fortunately, no one came to our schools in the 90s to tell us not to do those things and also to give us badass-looking shirts for our troubles.

We hurried along to put as much distance between ourselves and the bold revolutionary we had glimpsed in the smokey moonlight. We can still feel the shivers down our spine. It’s been days but we still wonder if we, along with the world at large, are truly safe from someone with such a vacant moral compass.

Punk on “Wheel of Fortune” Asks if He Can Bum a Vowel

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CULVER CITY, Calif. — “Wheel of Fortune” contestant and local punk Bruce Hughes inadvertently challenged the game rules after asking to bum a vowel, exasperated producers have reported.

“I’ve racked $5,000 on this puzzle so far, and I know this is just hypothetical money but I’ve never seen so much of it in my life so I gotta hold onto as much of it as I can. I keep telling Pat (Sajak) that if I can bum an ‘E’ or even an ‘A’ I will definitely get back at him later once I solve this phrase. I’m totally good for the money,” said Hughes. “The fucking producers keep telling me I have to buy a vowel. First of all, I haven’t paid for anything in three years, and I’m not about to start with buying the fucking alphabet. They’re lucky I just don’t take the million dollar wedge and walk out.”

Host Pat Sajak admitted he’s seen many unconventional contestants in his 40 years on the show, though none were ever this difficult.

“I didn’t think the rules of the game needed any explanation, but here we are. We usually film two or three shows a day but this asshole has grinded production to a standstill because apparently we’re running a charity here! Every spin he’s trying to beg me to loan him a vowel until the next round, and I have to try to not strangle him,” said Sajak. “It’s already been three hours and we’re not even midway through the game. It also didn’t help that his anecdote was a 20-minute rant about how he was arrested for desecrating a war memorial. Vanna had to take a break because her feet started bleeding because she was standing around so long.”

Executive producers scrambled to get the game back on track, though they had little faith in being able to salvage the show.

“We strive to have contestants from all races and backgrounds compete but nearly every punk we’ve had has no respect for the rules. I don’t know how many times I have to learn to not let on people who root through the lot’s dumpsters,” said producer Ellen Fein. “Mr. Hughes can bitch and moan all he wants, we’re not giving in to his demands. Still, this is a little easier to handle than the time that guy stabbed another contestant on ‘The Price is Right’ after they bet a dollar more on the showcase.”

As the day ended, production was halted indefinitely after Hughes hotwired and stole the Honda Accord meant for the final puzzle’s grand prize.

Brave! This Woman Pushed Herself To Stay Up Until 4 A.M. For No Reason Even Though She’s Been Tired All Day

Posted on by Heather Cook

Ring ring! It’s the Girlboss Academy calling and they’re offering this brave woman a full ride because she slays all day until 4 A.M! Well, that’s only if you consider binge-watching Ozark and scrolling through TikTok for eight hours a day “slaying.” Which we do!

Granted, she could totally be more productive if she didn’t push herself to stay up so late every night, but this heroic woman keeps coming up with useless reasons to keep her eyes open. We admire the courage it requires to take three naps a day instead of just getting a normal eight hours of sleep. She is so against the grain!

Can you blame her? Nighttime is the best time to be productive, which for this woman means stalking her ex-girlfriend’s Instagram for two hours, reading the Wikipedia pages for cast members of Love Island, and doomscrolling on Twitter to see what dumb thing Elon Musk says next. These are incredibly essential activities that are best performed from 1 AM to 4 AM. She would love to get a good night’s sleep so she could be productive during the day, but that simply won’t work with her unnecessary 4AM schedule.

This brave girlie needs a lot of caffeine to run on only four hours of sleep a day. Her daily routine is as follows: two cups of coffee in the morning, two more cups of coffee at the office, one Red Bull during lunch, and a large cold brew on the way home. Can you believe she’s still exhausted all day even though her blood stream is essentially pumping espresso? This issue could be fixed if she went to sleep at a decent hour but no, our determined darling is going to stay up all night overthinking her life choices!

Sure, this efficient lifestyle definitely comes with a drawback or two. Her retinas are definitely going to suffer permanent damage from the constant blue light of her iPhone. She’s most likely losing brain cells by watching hours of alien conspiracy theories on YouTube every night. Lastly, her personality has become a bit insufferable from being constantly exhausted but hey, she keeps trucking on into the wee hours of the night despite the negative long-term effects and for that we simply have no choice but to stan!

We love to see a sleepy queen thrive and thriving for this woman means playing Animal Crossing until the sun starts to come up even though she has to be awake at 8 AM. What a trailblazer!

Punk Uses Dying Breath To Talk Shit About His Favorite Band

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – Local punk Xak Henderson fought through immense pain and life-threatening injuries in order to use his last words to talk shit about his favorite band, grieving friends and family members confirm.

“Before I go, I need to say something about Diaper Juice’s new record,” Henderson wheezed between bloody coughs. “I’ve been pretending to like it, but that album fucking sucks, I mean just complete trash. They should’ve broken up before that piece of shit album came out! Sure, the guys in the band would probably work soulless, dead-end jobs for the rest of their lives, but at least they would still have some dignity. I mean come on, the record label they signed to was almost bought by a major back in 2008, and that betrayal hurts worse than when I was crushed by that bowling alley pinsetter.”

Stricken with grief and sadness, Xak’s mom, Martha Henderson, held back tears as she spoke about the devastating loss to her son.

“No mother should have to see her son crushed by their favorite band and simple bowling alley machinery because someone told him there was a pack of unopened cigarettes back there. His vital organs were turned into jelly, but his heart was shattered!” Mrs. Henderson sobbed while burning her son’s Diaper Juice vinyl collection per his last request. “I wish Xak would’ve said goodbye, but his father and I understand Xak’s pain. We gave up custody of his brothers James and Lars when ‘Load’ came out. The boys were only four or five, but I needed everyone to know we didn’t play that short-haired Metallica bullshit.”

Paranormal investigator and host of Bravo TV’s “Real Ghosts of St. Louis,” Bethany Jarvis, believes Henderson avoided eternal restlessness by speaking honestly about his favorite band before succumbing to his wounds.

“Holding in resentment about your favorite band’s slow decline from their groundbreaking early work to their bloated-has-been afterthought material is the leading cause of hauntings. I’ve learned that asking disembodied entities how disappointed they were in their favorite musician’s latest release helps most spirits ascend to the next realm,” Jarvis noted while burning sage in front of the new Mars Volta album. “Moving from this world to the next requires honesty about how much you hate what your favorite band has become. It’s a difficult, but necessary process to drift peacefully into the afterlife.”

At press time, family members were reviewing Henderson’s living will and preparing to honor his final wishes which were for all living family members to attend a Diaper Juice show and confront the band for selling out.

Nice Weezer Shirt: Name Three Things You Hate About Them

Posted on by Richard Circuit

Oh, that’s a nice Weezer shirt you’ve got. You must really know their stuff if you’re wearing their merch. Well, why don’t you prove it? Go ahead, name three things you hate about them. I’ll wait.

You look a little caught off guard. You’re not a poser, are you? You’re wearing a Weezer shirt, which means you must be a Weezer fan, which means you must hate so many things about Weezer. So, go on. Let’s hear it. Name three things you despise about the band.

Rivers Cuomo has some creepy lyrics? Wow, nice milquetoast response. Anyone who’s ever heard of Weezer hates that. A real Weezer fan would have their own personal, intimate reasons why they hate the band. So let’s hear another.

Their new stuff? Obviously! Everyone hates their new stuff. I’d expect more nuanced hatred from an alleged “fan.” I, for example, prefer hating their old stuff. Their later stuff got less cool to hate, ya know?

Alright, well I don’t want to keep you any longer in this CVS Family Planning aisle, so we can just do a lightning round. If you had to listen to one album for the rest of your life, which would it be? Pinkerton?! No, the correct answer is: “I’d rather go deaf.” You clearly don’t spend any time on r/Weezer.

So what other bands do you like? The Pixies?! No! You’re not supposed to like any band. The only rule of being a Weezer fan is that Weezer is terrible and every other band is worse. The fact that you feel any joy at all is proof enough that you’re a poser.