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Nerd Bassist to Be Fired if He Refers to Band as “A Fellowship” One More Time

MERRILL, Ore. — Frustrated members of skatepunk band Hamstring are reportedly only giving their bassist one more chance to stop referring to the band as “a fellowship,” sources close to the group confirmed.

“It’s tough not letting it slip! There are too many similarities between the Hamstring dynamic and the one found in Tolkien’s writings! I’m honestly surprised that the rest of the fellowsh—I mean, uh, BAND doesn’t see it as well,” said bassist Vorton Mopes. “Reggie, the guitarist, gets the most mad at me, but I keep telling him he’s the Gandalf of the fellowship! Who wouldn’t want to be the Gandalf? I know I’m just a humble Samwise, but I feel he should be honored.”

Band members report wanting to distance themselves from the potentially reputation-damaging association with science fiction and fantasy.

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t go in for that geek shit. Vorton’s a great bass player, but he needs to keep all that Dungeons and Dragons stuff out of his mouth when he’s doing press. You’d think he’d listen to me since I’m the ‘Grandpalf’ or whoever he is,” said frontman Reggie Randazzi. “We’re a band, man. I’d even take ‘group’ or ‘outfit’…but ‘fellowship’ just kinda reminds me of my parents calling our gigs ‘recitals.’ I just can’t stomach it.”

Scene legend Shane “Buzzsaw” Frenette lamented that “band” is too narrow a definition for what the collective really is.

“I wouldn’t be too hasty in shrugging off the idea of calling your band a fellowship. I’m sure this Reggie kid will see the light when he’s on tour and everyone in the group has to unite their respective powers to defeat a dragon, or get to the end of a haunted labyrinth,” said Frenette. “Just like my band did back in the eighties. That was one hell of a Philly show. That’s what made the fellowship scene so great back then. Sleeping on floors, playing our tunes, and forging swords we’ll pass down to our worthy sons and daughters when the twilight of our elder years befalls us. I dunno, that’s just rock ‘n roll to me.”

At press time, Mopes specifically booked Hamstring an all ages show in Mordor, to hopefully prove his point.