Man Who Liked Band Before They Were Cool Fails To Mention All The Shitty Ones He Liked That Never Got Popular

Posted on by Matt McInerney

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Self-proclaimed “music connoisseur” Ryan Lester, known for his uncanny ability to discover cool bands before you do, is reportedly omitting key details about his checkered past, blabbermouth loose-ends confirmed.

“I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I have a long history of discovering some of the coolest bands on the planet. For example, I still have a copy of the very first Have Heart demo. I’m talking about one you couldn’t even find listed on Wikipedia because it was on some burned CD-Rs.” said Lester. “And how about the time I saw Thursday perform their first show to only like nine people? This was so long ago they were called Wednesday back then. And my first show ever? I had At The Drive-In play in my basement. And for this show only, they had Beto O’Rourke on bass.”

Jean Lambert, former bass player of the local band Gold Chunk, used to see Lester at shows all the time.

“I know Ryan likes to act like a cool guy now, but he would come to see every shitty band we played with. I can remember this god-awful Christian hardcore band, Friday Night Fights. He used to worship them. Like, literally would do that ‘Wayne’s World’ bit in the pit,” said Lambert mimicking the bow. “Or Criminal Inskanity, that band with the DJ/trumpet player. He made me knock on their van to ask if they’d autograph his pork pie hat and Adidas. Mortifying. They were almost as bad as his favorite band, Flazid Hatchetz.”

Emerson Moon, the owner of the local record store, saw it all.

“Ryan used to come in all the time. Always in the nu-metal section, as I recall. He’d ask me stuff like, ‘hey, you got anyone that sounds like Trust Company?’ I’d always attempt a recommendation, but nine times out of ten, he’d bring up some obscure band with a typo in their name,” said Moon shaking his head. “Well, I guess he took my recommendations from time to time. I used to beg him to listen to my favorite local band, Have Heart. I gave him a demo, and at least he brought it home. I remember he came back and told me, ‘the vocalist is no Aaron Lewis.'”

At press time, Lester was seen by friends tackling a woman at a dinner party as she attempted to add an unsanctioned song to his signature “Cool Party Tunes” Spotify playlist.

Watch Out! This Rebel Wears a D.A.R.E. Shirt Even Though She Does Drugs

Posted on by Ernie Dixon

Ask any 90s kid if they remember the D.A.R.E. program and odds are you’ll open up a wellspring of childhood memories. Reagan helped spread the anti-drug initiative throughout the United States and ultimately left an entire generation with a shared school experience and lots of ironic D.A.R.E. swag in its wake. Its entire mission was to provide education about the topic and keep kids from experimenting with drugs.

But apparently this girl didn’t get the message!

This weekend, we were exiting a party when we stumbled upon a group of weed smokers by the back door. Imagine our surprise when we saw one of them casually blowing smoke into the winter night while wearing a D.A.R.E. t-shirt. Wow. Even though the program’s aim was to deter people from using drugs, here we have someone actively doing them while sporting her D.A.R.E. t-shirt. Unbelievable.

We were suddenly a bit worried. If this woman was willing to do something as blatantly ungovernable as trying drugs without any concern about the repercussions, who knows what else she might be capable of? Arson? Burglary? Murder? Fortunately, no one came to our schools in the 90s to tell us not to do those things and also to give us badass-looking shirts for our troubles.

We hurried along to put as much distance between ourselves and the bold revolutionary we had glimpsed in the smokey moonlight. We can still feel the shivers down our spine. It’s been days but we still wonder if we, along with the world at large, are truly safe from someone with such a vacant moral compass.

Punk on “Wheel of Fortune” Asks if He Can Bum a Vowel

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CULVER CITY, Calif. — “Wheel of Fortune” contestant and local punk Bruce Hughes inadvertently challenged the game rules after asking to bum a vowel, exasperated producers have reported.

“I’ve racked $5,000 on this puzzle so far, and I know this is just hypothetical money but I’ve never seen so much of it in my life so I gotta hold onto as much of it as I can. I keep telling Pat (Sajak) that if I can bum an ‘E’ or even an ‘A’ I will definitely get back at him later once I solve this phrase. I’m totally good for the money,” said Hughes. “The fucking producers keep telling me I have to buy a vowel. First of all, I haven’t paid for anything in three years, and I’m not about to start with buying the fucking alphabet. They’re lucky I just don’t take the million dollar wedge and walk out.”

Host Pat Sajak admitted he’s seen many unconventional contestants in his 40 years on the show, though none were ever this difficult.

“I didn’t think the rules of the game needed any explanation, but here we are. We usually film two or three shows a day but this asshole has grinded production to a standstill because apparently we’re running a charity here! Every spin he’s trying to beg me to loan him a vowel until the next round, and I have to try to not strangle him,” said Sajak. “It’s already been three hours and we’re not even midway through the game. It also didn’t help that his anecdote was a 20-minute rant about how he was arrested for desecrating a war memorial. Vanna had to take a break because her feet started bleeding because she was standing around so long.”

Executive producers scrambled to get the game back on track, though they had little faith in being able to salvage the show.

“We strive to have contestants from all races and backgrounds compete but nearly every punk we’ve had has no respect for the rules. I don’t know how many times I have to learn to not let on people who root through the lot’s dumpsters,” said producer Ellen Fein. “Mr. Hughes can bitch and moan all he wants, we’re not giving in to his demands. Still, this is a little easier to handle than the time that guy stabbed another contestant on ‘The Price is Right’ after they bet a dollar more on the showcase.”

As the day ended, production was halted indefinitely after Hughes hotwired and stole the Honda Accord meant for the final puzzle’s grand prize.

Brave! This Woman Pushed Herself To Stay Up Until 4 A.M. For No Reason Even Though She’s Been Tired All Day

Posted on by Heather Cook

Ring ring! It’s the Girlboss Academy calling and they’re offering this brave woman a full ride because she slays all day until 4 A.M! Well, that’s only if you consider binge-watching Ozark and scrolling through TikTok for eight hours a day “slaying.” Which we do!

Granted, she could totally be more productive if she didn’t push herself to stay up so late every night, but this heroic woman keeps coming up with useless reasons to keep her eyes open. We admire the courage it requires to take three naps a day instead of just getting a normal eight hours of sleep. She is so against the grain!

Can you blame her? Nighttime is the best time to be productive, which for this woman means stalking her ex-girlfriend’s Instagram for two hours, reading the Wikipedia pages for cast members of Love Island, and doomscrolling on Twitter to see what dumb thing Elon Musk says next. These are incredibly essential activities that are best performed from 1 AM to 4 AM. She would love to get a good night’s sleep so she could be productive during the day, but that simply won’t work with her unnecessary 4AM schedule.

This brave girlie needs a lot of caffeine to run on only four hours of sleep a day. Her daily routine is as follows: two cups of coffee in the morning, two more cups of coffee at the office, one Red Bull during lunch, and a large cold brew on the way home. Can you believe she’s still exhausted all day even though her blood stream is essentially pumping espresso? This issue could be fixed if she went to sleep at a decent hour but no, our determined darling is going to stay up all night overthinking her life choices!

Sure, this efficient lifestyle definitely comes with a drawback or two. Her retinas are definitely going to suffer permanent damage from the constant blue light of her iPhone. She’s most likely losing brain cells by watching hours of alien conspiracy theories on YouTube every night. Lastly, her personality has become a bit insufferable from being constantly exhausted but hey, she keeps trucking on into the wee hours of the night despite the negative long-term effects and for that we simply have no choice but to stan!

We love to see a sleepy queen thrive and thriving for this woman means playing Animal Crossing until the sun starts to come up even though she has to be awake at 8 AM. What a trailblazer!

Punk Uses Dying Breath To Talk Shit About His Favorite Band

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

INDIANAPOLIS – Local punk Xak Henderson fought through immense pain and life-threatening injuries in order to use his last words to talk shit about his favorite band, grieving friends and family members confirm.

“Before I go, I need to say something about Diaper Juice’s new record,” Henderson wheezed between bloody coughs. “I’ve been pretending to like it, but that album fucking sucks, I mean just complete trash. They should’ve broken up before that piece of shit album came out! Sure, the guys in the band would probably work soulless, dead-end jobs for the rest of their lives, but at least they would still have some dignity. I mean come on, the record label they signed to was almost bought by a major back in 2008, and that betrayal hurts worse than when I was crushed by that bowling alley pinsetter.”

Stricken with grief and sadness, Xak’s mom, Martha Henderson, held back tears as she spoke about the devastating loss to her son.

“No mother should have to see her son crushed by their favorite band and simple bowling alley machinery because someone told him there was a pack of unopened cigarettes back there. His vital organs were turned into jelly, but his heart was shattered!” Mrs. Henderson sobbed while burning her son’s Diaper Juice vinyl collection per his last request. “I wish Xak would’ve said goodbye, but his father and I understand Xak’s pain. We gave up custody of his brothers James and Lars when ‘Load’ came out. The boys were only four or five, but I needed everyone to know we didn’t play that short-haired Metallica bullshit.”

Paranormal investigator and host of Bravo TV’s “Real Ghosts of St. Louis,” Bethany Jarvis, believes Henderson avoided eternal restlessness by speaking honestly about his favorite band before succumbing to his wounds.

“Holding in resentment about your favorite band’s slow decline from their groundbreaking early work to their bloated-has-been afterthought material is the leading cause of hauntings. I’ve learned that asking disembodied entities how disappointed they were in their favorite musician’s latest release helps most spirits ascend to the next realm,” Jarvis noted while burning sage in front of the new Mars Volta album. “Moving from this world to the next requires honesty about how much you hate what your favorite band has become. It’s a difficult, but necessary process to drift peacefully into the afterlife.”

At press time, family members were reviewing Henderson’s living will and preparing to honor his final wishes which were for all living family members to attend a Diaper Juice show and confront the band for selling out.

Nice Weezer Shirt: Name Three Things You Hate About Them

Posted on by Richard Circuit

Oh, that’s a nice Weezer shirt you’ve got. You must really know their stuff if you’re wearing their merch. Well, why don’t you prove it? Go ahead, name three things you hate about them. I’ll wait.

You look a little caught off guard. You’re not a poser, are you? You’re wearing a Weezer shirt, which means you must be a Weezer fan, which means you must hate so many things about Weezer. So, go on. Let’s hear it. Name three things you despise about the band.

Rivers Cuomo has some creepy lyrics? Wow, nice milquetoast response. Anyone who’s ever heard of Weezer hates that. A real Weezer fan would have their own personal, intimate reasons why they hate the band. So let’s hear another.

Their new stuff? Obviously! Everyone hates their new stuff. I’d expect more nuanced hatred from an alleged “fan.” I, for example, prefer hating their old stuff. Their later stuff got less cool to hate, ya know?

Alright, well I don’t want to keep you any longer in this CVS Family Planning aisle, so we can just do a lightning round. If you had to listen to one album for the rest of your life, which would it be? Pinkerton?! No, the correct answer is: “I’d rather go deaf.” You clearly don’t spend any time on r/Weezer.

So what other bands do you like? The Pixies?! No! You’re not supposed to like any band. The only rule of being a Weezer fan is that Weezer is terrible and every other band is worse. The fact that you feel any joy at all is proof enough that you’re a poser.

Awkward: Woman Not Sure What To Do With Hands During Handjob

Posted on by Dom Turek

You’re back at your date’s place and if the natural order of things follows, a Baltimore Handshake lies wait in his immediate future. You should’ve unleashed his beast ten minutes ago and gone to work on his junk like you were pulling up an anchor, but instead you sit there frozen. You’ve suddenly become hyper aware of your body, and your arms dangle at your sides like a pair of Genoa salamis but don’t worry. We’re here to help.

If you want to overcome sensory anxiety, try faking it until you make it. You can fool your mind into believing you’re relaxed by acting relaxed, and what looks more laid back than someone with their thumbs hooked through their belt loops and their pelvis gently tipped forward?
Assume this position while maintaining eye contact and your date will feel like he’s about to get a handjob from James Dean. If that doesn’t keep him hard I don’t know what will.

Now that his penis is out, start giving him the business. Unfortunately, he’s not big enough for a two-handed tug and he doesn’t like his balls touched, so you’ll need to busy that other hand with something sexy. Not like that. No rhythmic snapping. Ask him if he has a cigarette. What do you mean you don’t smoke? Oh come on, cancer runs in everyone’s family.

See if you can excuse yourself to “freshen up” and discretely check your purse for anything that could be useful in distracting from the elephant in the room that is your arm, like a tech deck or some Pogs.

Oh shit, you should get back over there. His dick is at half-mast and I think he just opened a game of online chess.

Since there was nothing in your bag except loose change and pepper spray, you’ll have to get creative with some hand gestures. Don’t be shy. Move those hands like you’re conducting the New York Philharmonic and when he gets close, —fuck, he’s completely flaccid and he’s asking you to leave. Don’t take it personally. Some guys just have performance anxiety.

Death Metal Guitarist Suffers Permanent Hearing Damage After Seeing One Movie at an AMC Theater

Posted on by John Danek

SANTA FE, N.M. — Seasoned death metal guitarist Robert Young incurred his first instance of hearing damage by attending a screening of the children’s movie “Puss in Boots: The Last Wish” at a devastatingly loud AMC Theater, concerned family members reported.

“I’ve spent countless hours standing inches away from 100 watt guitar amplifiers, and yet a kid’s movie at an AMC was by far the loudest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Young, rhythm guitarist in the OSDM band Presidential Assassin. “I was trying to be the cool uncle by taking my nephews out for the day. The trailers were so loud that a small trickle of blood emerged from my left ear after just a few minutes. My eldest nephew Aiden vomited into his Cherry Coke. I’m normally all for a sonic assault on the ears, but AMC is crossing the line. Doctors say I may never hear the nuance in my Boss HM-2 pedal ever again.”

An employee of AMC Theaters defended their choice to tailor the moviegoing experience however they see fit.

“Customers have so many entertainment options these days, but only AMC can give the explosive, immersive, ear-shattering experience of a multi-thousand watt sound system,” shouted AMC Theater operator and YouTube hearing aid reviewer Lorenzo Rowena. “You’ll feel like you’re literally in the helicopter while watching ‘Black Hawk Down,’ except the characters on screen actually wear hearing protection. You have to bring your own if you don’t want to incur decibels worth of pain.”

Audiologists debated the safety of setting movie theater volumes to substantially damaging volume levels.

“On one hand, AMC Theaters and their competitors are setting movie volumes so loud that they are definitely causing hearing damage, but on the other hand, it’s driving so much business to my office,” explained Cleveland audiologist Dr. Pamela Itzkoff. “Guitarists usually know how to position themselves to avoid damaging volumes, but moviegoers don’t stand a chance. Admittedly, my profits took a dip whenever Apple started adding max volume settings to their devices. But AMC is blowing out eardrums and racking up hearing aid sales like no one has before. I’m booked through next June.”

As of press time, Young’s health woes worsened upon the discovery that he is experiencing pancreatic failure after having multiple refills at the Coca-Cola Freestyle machine.

Prison Tattoo Artist Booked Until 2025

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CRESCENT CITY, Calif. — A highly sought after stick-and-poke tattoo artist at the notorious Pelican Bay State Prison revealed to fellow inmates that he is booked all the way through 2025, frustrated clients reported.

“Armed robbery is my profession, but crudely drawn freehand tattoos is my passion. I figured I’d hone my craft considering I’ve got 20 more years here, though I’m honestly surprised by how popular I’ve become. I’ve been at this for six months and I’m already booked solid for the next two years. At this rate I’m going to run out of toothpaste caps and soot by next week,” said Chuck ‘Big Bucks’ Polaski. “It really goes to show just how much people will risk getting tetanus for a tattoo that says ‘I LOVE PUSSY.’ I’m hoping with good behavior I can transfer and get a guest spot in a different prison.”

Inmates have been clamoring for bragging rights to be inked by Polaski, but have found booking an appointment increasingly convoluted.

“My cellmate and I were the first ones he tatted and man, did it get people talking. Nothing like getting ‘I will fucking kill you’ on my forehead to really show everyone who’s in charge. But now he’s a hotshot and I’m waitlisted for six months just for the consultation alone,” said triple homicide convict Mark Clemmons. “I miss when he used to take walk-in appointments. Rumor has it the only way to get in touch is to drop a three cig deposit to a guy named Slim at the back of the exercise yard on Tuesdays. Fucking bullshit, man.”

While Polaski’s popularity does not look to wane anytime soon, parole officers are worried that his work may have a negative impact on reintroducing convicts back into society.

“I can honestly say 90% of the ex-cons I work with are inked from head to toe, which is fine. But the real struggle is reckoning with the nature of the tattoos and how employers might perceive them. But thanks to social media, these ‘celebrity’ prison artists are blowing up. No matter how much I beg my parolees, they can’t seem to stop themselves,’ said parole officer Ashley Jones. “I know I can only get these people entry-level, low wage jobs. But even those employers won’t hire someone with blown-out swastikas on their eyelids.”

At press time, Polaski announced a sudden opening after his next appointment was shanked in the cafeteria.

Metalhead Forgets to Ask For Anything in Return When Making Deal With the Devil

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CLARKSDALE, Miss. — Local metalhead Perry Tate came across Satan himself at the crossroads and instantly sold his soul to the Prince of Darkness without ever asking for something in exchange, locals report.

“I was just so starstruck that I totally blanked. There he was, horns and all, with this contract and I just signed it in my own blood without asking for, like, telepathy or something,” Tate said after realizing he was locked in an eternal contract of damnation with nothing to show for it. “I mean you fantasize about meeting your heroes but when it actually goes down it’s nothing like you’d imagined. I should have at least asked for an autograph but I didn’t want to seem like some stupid fanboy, you know.”

The King of the Bottomless Pit, himself, even seemed taken aback by the encounter.

“You’d think he would have at least gone with the generic ‘master the guitar’ deal, but no. He just grabbed the pen and signed away. He kept telling me about how big of a fan he was, and he wanted to shake my hand, but he was sweating a lot so his palm was really clammy. It was super awkward,” Beelzebub said while filing away Tate’s contract. “I actually felt a little bad and was going to give him something anyway—like a t-shirt or a mug, but that’s not really a ‘me’ thing to do. I’m afraid once he gets down here he is going to be really clingy. I hate when they get clingy.”

Theology professor Father Mattew Glover believes this is a very rare occurrence indeed.

“I mean, selling your soul to the devil goes back about as far as the devil himself but this idiot forgot to ask for money, superpowers, or vengeance over his enemies. This is the first time I’ve ever heard of this happening,” Father Glover said. “Fame, fortune, extended life… the world was in this moron’s hands and he froze. Well, he has an eternity of suffering ahead of him to think about what he would have asked for if he didn’t fumble this one.”

Since the encounter, Tate states that he probably would have asked the Serpent of Old to make Taco Bell bring back the Seven Layer Burrito.