Do you command total respect but also enjoy a playful shopping atmosphere while stocking up on quirky pantry items? Are you struggling to showcase your superiority clearly and succinctly to the lesser idiots shopping at the same store as you? Well, we’ve got your back; here’s how to park your car on the white lines to tell the world you OWN this Trader Joe’s.
Have the right accessories
It’s a safe bet that if you have rubber testicles or a vagina featured on the back of your electric/hybrid vehicle, you are already telegraphing your supremacy. But you can upgrade this. Maximize your influence by displaying a gender neutral anus on the rear of your Subaru. We recommend crafting it yourself from reclaimed materials.
Also, having a subwoofer installed will command everyone’s attention and force them to listen to your choice of either The Arcade Fire or The Lumineers.
Find your spot
Look for a space near the store entrance or cart return for prime visibility. Although handicapped spots would be ideal, never park there unless you are handicapped. We may be better than everyone else but we’re not monsters.
It’s time to park
Sure, parking directly on the white line will take up 2 spots and everyone will know you’re a fucking boss, but the most Alpha-est way to park is actually to take up 3 spaces by parking perpendicular to the lines. This move can backfire if you have to parallel park and you can’t do it smoothly, so make sure you practice beforehand. If you are unable to do this with ease, everyone is going to look at you like you’re some helpless Beta who cried to a Hawaiian-clad employee after finding out the agave-sweetened cactus tea we love is discontinued.
It’s possible everyone didn’t see you mark your territory, so repeat as many times as needed. You know you’ve successfully dominated those other plebes when they begin to say things like “Do you need help?” and “Are you ok?”
Congratulations, Alpha! We already knew that everyone else can eat your shit but now they know too. You’re probably itching to have a loud conversation on your phone while stocking up on some “everything but the bagel” seasoning, so get inside and don’t forget to find that hidden stuffed animal!