Girl Scout cookies have come a long way since my sister’s Brownie Troop used to set up a table outside the Pathmark. For several years, I didn’t encounter any Girl Scouts until my pot dealer’s daughter joined and got me hooked.
Here’s my guide to Girl Scout Cookies from Worst to Best, based on my dealer’s daughter’s sales tactics:
Lemon-Ups
These are pretty new. Maybe it’s just me, when I try a cookie, I want it crunchy and sweet with a nice interesting taste. The lemon flavor in these just hits the wrong notes. I have certain expectations based on my previous experiences buying and eating cookies, surprises can be fun, but I just want more of what I enjoy. That’s probably why I found it a little off-putting that Stony, the guy who I’d been buying my weed from since college, would still be dealing out of his living room carrying his daughter Marley in a Baby Bjorn.
Lemonades
Two strikes against you Lemonades – bland shortbread and lemon flavoring. It just strikes me as out of place. Fruit flavors are great and have their place in certain cases, but getting a sour zest when you’re not expecting it takes some getting used to. I have to say, it was a little weird to go from hitting the skull bong on the couch and watching “Blue’s Clues” to having to go out to the deck to smoke out of a Minion bong, then back to the couch to watch “Blue’s Clues” with a toddler staring at you.
Do-si-dos
These are the sad little sisters of a sandwich cookie. Plain peanut butter on Ritz Crackers are better than these. I love peanut butter, but oatmeal cookies are such a bummer. Right place, right time these hit the spot, they’re just not something I seek out. As she graduated from Brownie to full Girl Scout, I guess Marley learned about the “munchies” from “Friends” and appears at just the right time with samples and order forms. And the orders always seem to be delivered right around when I need to pick up another ounce. Smart kid. She’s lucky we live in a backwards-ass state where we can’t even get medical cards.
Toffee-tastic
This was a pilot for this year and it’s unremarkable. I love toffee, but there’s not enough to make this cookie join the regular rotation. I don’t know if Marley’s troop is a test market, but I appear to be her unofficial focus group with her taking notes on my reactions and writing down everything I said. I don’t want to comment on other’s parenting styles, but she gets a lot of screen time when her dad passes out, and it’s always Shark Tank or CNBC finance shows.
Thin Mints
Lots of people say these are the OG, but chocolate and mint as a combination never appealed to my palate. However, in Marley’s sales deck, she noted that they make 25% of all Girl Scout Cookie sales. I think she might have been trying to shame me with her professionally printed lookbook, and various other “leave behinds.” In her pitch, she notes that they’re Kosher, Halal, and vegan, so she focuses on selling these to Stony’s fellow hippies.
Samoas
These are less than the sum of their parts, the coconut is the odd man out. I feel like if they just did cookie crust, caramel, and chocolate, they’d have a hit. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with the marketing of these cookies. I don’t have the funds to spend $75 on weed and $100 on cookies I’m lukewarm about every two weeks. I wonder how hard it would be to grow my own, or what those Delta-9 gummies from podcast ads are like. My cousin lives in Colorado, she could probably just send a couple ounces in a coffee can. Is it fear of getting caught by the cops or being called out by a tiny but scary Girl Scout?
Toast-Yay
These are new, and I swear they know the stoner’s mindset so well. I tried to find out what goes on at those Jamborees but Marley was pretty cagey about it. I know she’s pretty high up now, she got a trip to New York and rang the opening bell at the Stock Exchange.
Caramel Chocolate Chip
I swear she’s recording me. Years ago I said aloud, “Why not just do chocolate chip?” And here they are. I didn’t think anyone was listening to me, since Marley’s always watching Grindset Tiktokers, and Stony’s playing Tom Petty songs on the Fender acoustic that she won as sales leader for the region.
Girl Scout S’mores
Jesus, Girl Scouts of America, what took you so long? A camping based organization took more than a century to make a cookie based on this campfire treat? These would be top of the list, if they were around a little longer and the recipe had time to be perfected. I actually came across these outside of the Winn-Dixie, a Girl Scout troop had a table set up, I politely declined, until I saw Marley pop up. I swear she was ready to narc on me and her dad if I walked by. She did the throat-cut motion and everything!
Adventurefuls
These are fantastic and a great addition to the Girl Scout Cookie stable. But I noticed that she’s been adding service and convenience fees to the boxes she sells me. They’re supposed to be $6 max, and I’ve been paying $10 for years! I tried to subtly ask about this, but she just smiled with dead eyes and said, “I need my cookie dough.” Stony just laughed for 25 minutes.
In a few years, she’s either going to be a CEO or run a cartel.
Raspberry Rally
Last time I went over, I noticed these on the order form, but saw that they were only available online. She cut me off and glaring into my face said she “knows how to get them” and that I’m only allowed to order them from her and her only. Luckily, these are fantastic, they’re like a British tea biscuit.
She’s completely taken over Stony’s operation, honestly, she’s whipped him into shape. He used to just have a trunk filled with Altoid boxes and old plastic film canisters, now there’s labels, branding, and packaging.
Tagalongs
These are the all-time great. As good as (but cheaper than) an artisan bakery, and I’ve resigned myself to knowing that at least this supports a good cause. Unlike those Hitler Youth Boy Scouts and the popcorn that my coke guy’s kid sells.