LOS ANGELES — Echo Park resident Valerie Roosten reportedly doesn’t like her group of friends enough to justify spending $80 at brunch with them, sources confirmed.
“When I first moved here from Portland I was pretty enthusiastic about finding a new friend group to get wasted with on a Sunday morning,” lamented the 36-year-old software company project manager. “But at the end of the day, watching a bunch of women I don’t actually have that much in common with get hammered to the point of embarrassing themselves in public just doesn’t have the same allure as it used to. Plus, that 80 bucks a week I’ve been spending on brunch will come in handy on all the past due credit card payments I owe.”
Other members of the clique seemed disappointed in Roosten’s absence from brunch.
“Yeah well, nobody really likes Valerie but she’s like, really connected and dresses well so that makes all the group photos look better,” said Chandra Pele before asking the server how many mimosas she’s allowed to order for herself at once. “Everyone’s just trying to network their way to the next level and it’s kind of unrealistic to expect all your friends to actually like you, especially in this economy. Hell, I despise every single person that comes to our weekly brunches, but you don’t see me making a whole thing of it.”
Staff members of the half dozen or so restaurants the group frequents have also noticed the tabs that the self-identifying “girl bosses” have been racking up.
“Our menu prices and especially our drink prices are not the cheapest to begin with,” said Matt Garrison, a server at a popular brunch spot in West Hollywood. “So it’s no sweat off my back when they run up a bill that’s nearly four digits long even though at least one of them is either screaming or falling down drunk within 45 minutes of sitting down. I can’t lie though, I do feel bad for some of them. They always split the bill evenly regardless of who drank what or how much, which has got to get expensive after a while. If they didn’t tip so well, I wouldn’t put up with it but sure enough every three weeks or so I’ll see a party of seven or nine booked in my section and think: cha-ching.”
At press time, Roosten revealed that she also doesn’t like the group of people she does volunteer work with enough to spend a few hours every week helping others.