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We Sat Down with a Rockabilly Band and Now We’re in the Middle of a High-Stakes Drag Race With Nothing to Lose Daddio

Rockabilly is the true sound of real American rebellion, the greasy-haired, reverb-heavy music that makes you want to ignore all the bad things about the 1950s like segregation and constant fear of nuclear annihilation and just have a good time.

We sat down with Deuce and the Bad Time Boys, a rockabilly group who truly live the lifestyle of their rock n’ roll forefathers, and now we’re in the passenger seat of a badass 1957 T-Bird and, daddio, we’re in a high-stakes drag race with the devil-may-care swagger of a man with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Before just this moment, we had never heard of Deuce and the Bad Time Boys’ biggest rival, a cheesed-up gang of greasers called the Royal Rock’Its from Nowheresville, USA, but now we hate them more than anyone we have ever hated in the history of the world.

When we faced off at the starting line of this drag race in a weird, featureless open-air concrete structure, we looked over at the Royal Rock’Its and, daddio, we were ready to cream that bunch of talentless kookies and their grody excuse for a screamer.

Wait, what’s a screamer? God, this is terrifying, we are going so fast, and we don’t know why we’re standing up in the back seat and throwing stuff at the other car.

This is so fucking dangerous, but baby, we got nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Holy shit, the Royal Rock’Its have huge metal spikes on the hubcaps of their wheels. Is that allowed? That seems like it should not be allowed, especially if they’re going to use them to deliberately swerve into us and like, car-stab us.

Okay, now we just turned 180 degrees in an electrifying move by Deuce, who’s the meanest cat who ever put a pick to a six-string, and it appears that we are heading back to where we started. Also, that hot lady who told us to start driving by waving her scarf seems to have disappeared. We’re probably going to die soon.

Put the pedal to the metal, Deuce! Rockabilly forever!