LINCOLN, Neb. — Showgoers watching supposed folk punk band One Eyed Paul & The Picket Line perform voiced their suspicions about the group’s credibility due to the fact that all eight members have picture perfect smiles and very good hygiene in general, confirmed suspicious sources.
“They sound good and everything, but the fact they all smell freshly showered makes me believe they are a bunch of posers,” said fan Shane “Scuz” Finnigan. “They all claim they used to be vagabonds and ride around on trains and stuff, but I’ve never met a single vagabond with all of their teeth, let alone eight of them who all have 32 shiny, perfect ones. None of them have even lit up on stage, and none of them have any stick and poke face tattoos. I love their music but this is bullshit.”
Members of the band were quick to shoot down any accusations against their legitimacy.
“Judging someone’s appearance isn’t very punk rock, but if we are judging based on appearances, every single person at our show looks questionable if you ask me,” said accordion, washboard, and trombone player Caitlin “Spoon” Wilks. “Just because we all chain-smoke, sleep on the ground, and drift from town to town doesn’t mean we can’t practice good oral hygiene and use Crest 3D White Strips. And the audience tonight could learn a thing or two about that. We love our fans but based on the looks of some of them we’re gonna start selling toothbrushes at the merch table.”
Local dentist and live music enthusiast Scott Sturgil, who was also in attendance, sided with other showgoers questioning the band’s legitimacy.
“They have all absolutely had work done, no doubt about it. You don’t get teeth that straight without years of braces or aligners,” said Sturgil. “I used to work at a free clinic, I’ve worked on plenty of former folk punk musicians and people who live a vagabond lifestyle, and their teeth are usually stinky little brown nubs. So between that and the fact that they all clearly know how to play their instruments well, yes, my official stance is that they are posers.”
Sources who attended the show reported that after their set, they saw the band sneaking back to a brand new Mercedes tour van that didn’t have a single sticker on it, further confirming their suspicions.