PLATTSBURGH, N.Y. – Local graduate student Andi Engler recently explained her dietary restrictions to her parents for a record-breaking 15 times in a single visit, sources who don’t know how to make this any more clear report.
“I swear to God dude, every time we see each other, they ask about what I eat like I haven’t said it a thousand times. It’s no meat, no dairy. I’m not even a real vegan,” said an exasperated Engler. “Within literally the same day my mom will ask if I’m ‘gluten-free now’ and then offer a hamburger with cheese for dinner. The answer is no to both of these. It’s not hard to remember. This has been my diet for eight years at this point, but honestly, I’m tempted to just throw that all away and eat the frozen IKEA meatballs my dad just got me as ‘a gift’ to make things easier.”
Engler’s mother Joanne offered her side of the story.
“Now, before you judge me for being old-school or something like that, you have to realize that Andi has always been a bit wishy-washy,” said Mrs. Engler while Googling keto-friendly recipes for some reason. “I just can’t keep up with all her changes. Every time we speak she’s doing something new with her dietary restrictions. I’m trying to be supportive and make accommodations, I really am, but at some point, she’s got to realize that her father and I are going to need a written notice of exactly what she can and can’t eat before she comes over for dinner.”
Alan Flemming, a nutritionist, weighed in with his expertise regarding this parent-child relationship.
“Ah, yes, this is certainly a known syndrome,” Flemming said while subtly tapping the cover of his own book. “Even if the child’s diet in question is very simple, and in fact is simpler than one of the parents who refuses to eat vegetables and anything ‘processed,’ the parent will without fail be completely incapable of remembering said diet. The child could literally tattoo LACTOSE INTOLERANT onto their forehead and they still wouldn’t get it. But I’m not hopeless about the future. More and more young people are becoming vegan, and as millennials themselves become parents, we may see a shift. I just pray that the young adults of tomorrow stop doing the meat-only thing and that Jordan Peterson’s cursed influence is truly a thing of the past.”
At press time, Engler was seen writing the very notice that her mother requested in triplicate.