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I Took the Skinheads Bowling and Now I’m Banned From the Milford Family Fun Center

The local scene gave a lot to me growing up so I try to give back. I volunteer at the skatepark and I donate to all the Gofundmes and Kickstarters I can afford, but I’m always looking for new ways to contribute. Anyway, I was listening to SiriusXM 1st Wave and heard “Take the Skinheads Bowling” by Camper Van Beethoven and that seemed like a fun DIY Big Brothers/Big Sisters thing. Well, now I’m banned from the Milford Family Fun Center and looking back I should have seen this coming.

When I pulled up to the Milford Family Fun Center I saw a couple of Vespa scooters covered with Oi band logos and too many rearview mirrors. As I approached the front door, I found them blaming each other for giving skinheads a bad name.

Things got worse at the shoe rental. The very idea that they would have to leave their precious boots as collateral for bowling shoes made them furious. I suggested maybe they leave one boot and keep the other with them. Somehow that worked. Unfortunately, I had forgotten how important the color of shoelaces is to skinheads. I suggested just swapping out the laces but “Lace Code” is apparently a sacred text. After several violent minutes, I learned black laces are fine with everyone.

Next up was the snack bar. One skinhead named “Porky” demanded they put the Tottenham/Newcastle match on, but the bowling alley’s cable service did not carry English Premier League soccer. Meanwhile, another fella named “Rook” was demanding a proper pint of Guinness. I intervened, explaining they only had Guinness in the cans and if he wanted a pint, it would have to be from what they had on tap. He replied “True skins only drink stout!” as he begrudgingly chugged the can. The lone female skin, “Dinah,” was the most manageable, as she just stood in the corner, obsessively flicking a lighter.

Once we got to our lane, I attempted to get to know everyone. Turns out they were all on parole. Dinah for arson, Porky for kicking someone with a spiked book, and Rook for attacking someone with a machete in the parking lot of this very same bowling alley. That’s when I decided we’d only bowl one frame and end it.

But the second I turned to roll my ball, all hell broke loose as all the skinheads began attacking each other over who was the most “skin.” I’m not sure if that’s even a thing but they were pretty wasted at that point. Plus, this group didn’t have the tightest grip on logic to begin with, so I kept my mouth shut.

I tried to keep the other bowling patrons and staff out of the fray as Porky and Rook tried to shove one another’s head into the ball return. I broke them up as they threatened to finish the job once “their boys” got there. Behind me, I saw the league trophy case up in flames, with Dinah using shoe spray as an accelerant.

In the aftermath, each of them pointed to me as the responsible party so now I’m banned for life and was fined $19,000. So much for giving back to the scene.