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Review: The Locust “New Erections”

Each week the Hard Times tries to take a look back at a classic album. We really, really try. This week we attempted to review The Locust’s “New Erections,” but unfortunately my parents got a look at the album title before I could throw it on to listen.

Despite my protests, and my repeated reminders that I’ve been getting pretty good marks in all my classes this semester, and I called Grandma the other day WITHOUT being asked, they confiscated my copy of “New Erections” before I even got to listen to it, this isn’t fair.

Not only that but get this: later on I heard them cranking the album in their room behind closed doors. They liked it so much that they started a Locust tribute act called Cicada Swarm that has a gig this Friday. But, the downside is I can’t get in to see it because the bar freakin’ cards. I figured, ah well, at least I can hear them rehearse so I can absorb some of the music and crank out a review, but get this…they decided the Locust was too mainstream a choice of cover act, so they went deeper and only do Holy Molar songs now. They only released one album! And, on top of everything else they ask to borrow MY synthesizer I bought with MY birthday money for the gig. The gall. The absolute unmitigated gall.

I swear, I’m out of here the minute I get my license. Then I can listen to whatever I want on the car radio. I’ll call up my local classic rock station and request “Book of Bot” or “We Have Reached An Official Verdict: Nobody Gives A Shit” and ‘Rockin’ Ron Delasquez say “Oh yeah, off 2007’s New Erections? The ANTI records classic? You got it, little buddy! I’ll slap that on after Come Sail Away finishes! Rock on!” And he’ll pump it onto the airwaves free of charge. I’ll be living the good life, I will.

But until then, it’s just your classic, evergreen “my parents play in an obscure Justin Pearson side project cover band, that’s still confusingly named after his main band, and are borrowing my synthesizer for it but won’t let me hear anything because the name of the album they caught me with by them was a little dirty” situation. When you list it all out like that, I guess it’s just normal teenager problems.

Parents! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t introduce them to late aughts noise rock!

Score: 13/13 possible Holy Molar tracks to learn, they’re gonna have to banter between songs so much!