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Underperforming Slipknot Member Sent Down to Mushroomhead For Conditioning

DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan was sent down to Mushroomhead for a 10-show conditioning stint in hopes of getting in better shape for an upcoming tour, the band’s general manager confirmed.

“Shawn is a founding member of this band and he isn’t going anywhere, so let me put that to bed right now,” said Slipknot GM Jay Dumas from his office that overlooks the Iowa Cubs minor league baseball stadium. “He’s on a one-year contract and can’t be assigned to Mushroomhead without clearing waivers. Shawn has trouble recovering from back-to-back and double header shows. That’s the only reason he was sent down. We expect him to be ready for the Texas road trip at the end of the month, he just needs to get back into game shape by playing some tune-up shows in front of much, much smaller crowds.”

Slipknot singer Corey Taylor confirmed that Crahan would be unavailable for this weekend’s string of shows.

“Shawn will be just fine, the press always make a bigger deal of things than they are,” said Taylor as he stood shirtless in front of his locker with a towel draped over his shoulder. “He’s just down in Mushroomhead to get some more reps in. He had Tommy John surgery on his elbow last year, as you know. He’s lucky that he wasn’t forced to retire like a lot of guys have to. But ever since Shawn came back he’s been doing some of the best banging on metal barrels of his career.”

Nu-metal historian and former minor league baseball player Victor Somoza weighed in.

“Getting sent down to Mushroomhead is not an issue, believe me,” said Somoza while being interviewed for the next chapter of the Ken Burns’ “Baseball” documentary series. “Some players spend time in Mushroomhead on their way to the big leagues. For others, Mushroomhead is as far as their nu-metal career takes them. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Mushroomhead has long been considered ‘the best of the rest’ in nu-metal circles. But make no mistake, Shawn is a big leaguer through and through, and there will always be a spot on the roster for guys who dress like a demonic clown at the highest levels of nu-metal.”

At press time Crahan was reported to be extremely thankful that he hadn’t been sent down to Mudvayne.