LOS ANGELES — After an ambitious attempt at a simple flatground kickflip, it appears that you have absolutely broken your back, sources wincing sympathetically confirm.
“Oh, Jesus Christ, oh my god, I think I broke or sprained something,” you moaned in pain while rolling around on the unforgiving asphalt covered in tree sap and bird shit. “Fuck me, okay, no I’m totally fine, I just—I just gotta shake it off. It’s uh, been a minute since I went out to skate and I’m a little bit rusty. I’m not 23 anymore, apparently. I figured I’d at least have some muscle memory and not completely fucking eat shit on my first attempt, but I guess I was wrong. And worst of all, an unbelievably gorgeous woman totally saw me beef it. God dammit, I’m going to be on the couch for a week after this.”
The ethereally beautiful bystander gave her record of events.
“I was walking by, the wind blowing through my luscious black hair, looking utterly otherworldly and deeply pretty as always, when I heard this horrible crash and a grunt of pain,” Elena Marquez said, looking genuinely concerned. “I looked over and saw the wreckage, this fully-grown adult in beat-up sneakers, writhing on the ground while their skateboard rolled away. At first, I thought they had been mugged by skateboarding teens, but then I realized they were actually attempting to skateboard at such an advanced age. I felt really bad, so I went over to check on them, and was waved off with a gruff ‘I’m good, I’m totally fine,’ even though I’m almost certain they were quietly dialing for an ambulance. I was already running late for my first modeling photo shoot of the day, so I needed to get going.”
Dr. Alan Wakefield, an ER doctor, provided his expert insight into recent accidents like yours.
“These aging punks really think they’re invincible,” Wakefield said while reviewing his back-to-back stack of patient charts for the afternoon. “You wouldn’t believe how many folks in their late 30s I get in here with sprained ankles, slipped discs, dislocated shoulders, you name it. I actually am considering getting a distributor deal for the hospital for knee braces with Toy Machine stickers already on them for the older skateboard crowd. I give out like, 15 of those a week.”
At press time, you were realizing you don’t have health insurance and decided to treat your back injury with a bag of frozen peas instead.