LOS ANGELES — Untalented ne’er-do-well Tyler Buckley reportedly muttered a quote attributed to Pablo Picasso before sticking up Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello, inspired sources confirmed.
“Whether it be the Beatles ripping off Little Richard or Bernie Madoff ripping off Kevin Bacon, it’s well known that all great artists steal. So when I saw Tom Morello fumbling for change at a parking meter, I knew that this moment, more so than starting a band or even touching a guitar, was going to be my ticket to stardom,” said Buckley. “I was pretty nervous, but then I remembered a quote said by either Henri Matisse or Sickie Wifebeater of the Mentors. ‘Creativity takes courage.’ And then that’s when I whipped out my boxcutter and yelled at him to empty his fucking pockets.”
Morello later recounted the horrible ordeal to the police.
“I just got out of a meeting with my financial advisor when this lunatic accosted me, demanding my wallet and a selfie,” said Morello while on hold with American Express to cancel his Black Card. “I’d hope that would be the end of it. But after threatening my life, he turned around briefly, then turned back and started addressing me as if I was a peer. I tried walking down the street but he tailed along and kept asking me if I wanted to go play a set at the Viper Room with the Hollywood Vampires. I don’t even think that place is open anymore.”
According to some experts, wannabe rock stars like Buckley are more often than not becoming the norm in the industry.
“I’m not sure if it’s a lack of critical thinking or shorter attention spans, but the majority of my students think that ‘breaking in’ to the music industry is meant to be taken literally,” explained music teacher Moshe Stewart. “And while yes, it is true that pretty much every major rock star of the past 50 years has committed crimes so heinous that they’d make even the most hardened special victims detectives spew chunks, I promise you, the musical talent has to be there before you can get away with all that stuff.”
At press time, Buckley was last seen whispering “art is never finished, only abandoned” to his kids before going out for milk and never returning.