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House Full of Unemployed Artists Calling Self a Collective Now

NEW YORK — Twelve so-called artists living in a dilapidated former textile factory are now referring to themselves as The Stuffed Crocodile Collective even though they don’t seem to be producing any art, theater, music or contributing to society in any tangible way, neighborhood residents confirmed.

“Those of us that had soul-sucking day jobs have quit them so that we can all collaborate on creating art,” said Egiga Goramen while trying to bum cigarettes outside a bodega. “The ethos of our collective is that we don’t adhere to the idea that artists should be required to make art. Just existing is art and that is what The Stuffed Crocodile Collective is all about. We also threw in some bullshit about commitment to community or something. We don’t expect anyone to understand, but we want to make it clear that nobody should expect anything from us.”

Raymond Sharp, the property’s landlord, doesn’t see it the same way they do.

“Depending on the day of the week they are either a theater company or a circus troupe, but they don’t seem to be anything but a dozen people who smoke weed and listen to Frank Zappa all day long,” said Sharp while drafting up an eviction notice. “I am happy to support local artists, especially if they are happy living in a building with multiple code violations and a slight super-rat problem, but this ‘collective’ as they call it don’t seem to be anything more than squatters. Unless you consider spray painting giant hairy phalluses all over the walls ‘art.’”

Artistic career coach Mabel Lewis believes we have entered a new era of artistic expression.

“In today’s post-career society, if a person considers themselves a writer then they are a writer. All they have to do is claim they’re an ‘author’ in every social media bio and people will have to respect that, even if they never write a single word,” Lewis, who has no credentials to be a career coach, explained. “This collective exists outside of the box society has created and, for that, I applaud them. Not producing any tangible art is, in itself, an artistic statement on the corporatization of the imagination.”

As of press time, The Stuffed Crocodile Collective has filed for 501(c)(3) charity status once they are done binging “Twin Peaks.”