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Cop Wins Creative Writing Award for Recent Police Report

RENO, Nev. — Local police officer Konrad Klusky was given an award in outstanding creative writing following the release of an almost entirely fictionalized police report, Reno Police Department confirmed on Monday.

“I was just doing my job, that’s all. If recalling events in a police report the way I in particular see them is worthy of an award then the entire precinct should get them too,” said Klusky while holding his four-inch trophy from the Organization of Gifted Raconteurs in Enforcement (OGRE). “But I’ll admit, it feels good to be recognized. It’s not easy writing a story where the hero beats the ever-living shit out of an unarmed person because they were jaywalking. I sometimes get the details mixed up with what actually happened but hey, that’s why I want to thank all the editors in my life!”

The inspiration for Klusky’s report, local musician Miles Fredrick, confirmed just how different this piece was from the real-life events it was based on.

“Yeah, none of that shit happened,” said Fredrick from his bed at the Northern Nevada Medical Center while enjoying a cup of apple juice with his jaw wired shut. “Almost every detail was changed to the point that it was like looking into an alternate universe. I might as well have been reading ‘Dune.’ Like, if that cop said a giant sandworm showed up and told me to ‘stop resisting’ it would’ve actually been more accurate.”

Representatives from OGRE further detailed their decision to bestow Klusky with their annual “Outstanding Creativity in Policing” award.

“We receive millions of submissions every year from around the US, but ‘Reno Police Department Report: Incident #0122346-X’ stood out as a masterpiece of fiction,” said OGRE spokesperson Jolene Tibbits. “Klusky created a world so divorced from our own, so truly alien, that it must have required a profound imagination to conjure. Officers, take note. THIS is how you fabricate a police report! We might have a modern day Charles Dickens on our hands.”

At press time, Klusky was put on a paid suspension for an unrelated internal investigation and now plans on publishing a collection of mostly inaccurate short story reports of his career to date.