“Schoolhouse Rock!” 2024 Edition Features Catchy Number on Active Shooter Drills

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WASHINGTON — The 2024 edition of the classic educational short film series “Schoolhouse Rock!” will contain a song dedicated to teaching children the importance of active shooter drills and what to do during them, several traumatized sources report.

“It’s an honor and a pleasure to be able to write for ‘Schoolhouse Rock!’ series, as well as having the ability to show kids hiding for their lives from a deranged shooter can be cool and exciting,” Alice DeMilton, writer of the song “Run, Hide, Fight, FUN!” explained. “Sure, it’s a bummer that this sort of thing is normal in America today, but it doesn’t need to be a boring topic like conjunctions and such. Kids and parents alike are just going to love it!”

Richard Felix, parent to a middle school student at PS109 Elementary thinks the idea is a step in the right direction on tackling the mass shooting issue.

“Well, I think some sort of legislation would probably help with the completely preventable epidemic of gun violence threatening our nation’s schools, but I suppose using an outdated educational musical program to teach our kids to be safe when a gunman is on the loose will work just as well,” Felix said, adding the program did help him remember the names of all the planets back when he was in school. “I just hope the kids these days will listen and retain the words to music like this, because the people on Capitol Hill surely won’t listen.”

Herman Huntsville, the musician responsible for the revival of the “Schoolhouse Rock!” series, has his sights set on many other issues that face children today.

“We’re well aware that the ‘Schoolhouse’ series was meant to educate kids on things like how government works, the English language, and other important curriculum, but all those things are irrelevant today,” Huntsville stated. “It’s a war out there. Survival is the number one goal of students, and it’s our job to educate kids on how to do just that. For example, our ditty entitled, ‘CTE Ernie’ is about a child forced into sports by his parents and how he adapts to his chronic brain injuries. It’s a subject that many students can relate to these days, but we’re making it easy to understand and more importantly, fun!”

At press time, DeMilton expressed her joy to be able to work on a fun and catchy song surrounding the statistic that 12 children die each day by gun violence in the USA.

I Was Sitting Next to Alanis Morissette and Dave Coulier In That Theater and I Still Don’t Know How “Aladdin” Ends

Posted on by Matt Husser

The year was 1992. I had just clocked out at Spencer’s Gifts and walked across the mall to catch the next showing of “Aladdin.” Robin Williams and Gilbert Gottfried? That’s a 1992 comedy Dream Team. The lights go down and I’m enjoying my trip to Agrabah when the couple next to me starts getting hot and heavy. I look over to catch a glimpse of the action and sure enough it’s the 7th best character on “Full House,” Dave Coulier! And if I wasn’t starstruck enough, he’s with Alanis Morissette!

But then they really started going at it, and by the time “Aladdin” gets trapped in the cave, Alanis is on her knees rubbing on Dave’s lamp trying to release his Genie. If you know what I mean, and for those that don’t I’ll make it very clear, she was blowing the hell out of him. I’m trying to ignore them but I can’t hear Robin Williams over Dave Coulier’s feral moaning. Finally Dave gets so excited he starts doing his Popeye impression, and I bolt for the exit just in time to hear “uh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guhhh!” echo through the theater. I never could eat spinach after that day.

Well I wasn’t about to let Uncle Joey be the only one that finished in that theater, so I went back the next day to finish the movie. But halfway through, who walks in? That’s right, Dave and Alanis. They clearly didn’t see the finale either, so maybe they just wanted to watch the ending? But no, they picked the two seats directly next to me in an empty theater and she started bowing down to Prince Ali again. I could understand being that horny for “Batman Returns,” but “Aladdin?” Twice?

So a few years later I saw this display at Blockbuster for “Aladdin” on VHS, and I figured I should try again before those bastards put it in the Disney Vault. I’m driving home when this new song called ‘You Oughta Know’ comes on the radio.

“Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?”

Wait, I know that voice. Oh, God. The image of Dave Coulier’s face twisted in ecstasy as he moaned like Popeye flashed through my head, and I nearly crashed my car. I flipped a U-turn and headed back to return the movie.

So it’s been over 30 years and I still don’t know how “Aladdin” ends. Every time I scroll past it on Disney+ I start dry heaving because, just like Alanis, I’m reminded of the mess Dave left when he went away. Fuck you, Dave Coulier.

Dog in Audience Returns Drumstick

Posted on by Zach Raffio

ST. CLOUD, Minn. — Audience members at pop-punk trio Little Rounders’ St. Cloud Room show this weekend all reported bouts of cute aggression, after drummer Scott Minkle tossed his stick into the crowd at the end of their set, only to have it returned by a dog in the audience.

“Normally people fight over the sticks, but this little guy was trying to give it back, and he was such a good boy with his tail wagging and his big old face,” noted Minkle, who was unable to play an encore with the returned stick due to its slippery drool. “It makes sense though. I noticed the dog doing this crouch thing every time I made a sudden movement throughout the set, like he thought I was gonna throw it. I even pretended to a few times to throw him off, but he seemed to like that even more.”

Other audience members were eager to weigh in on the fuzzy phenomena.

“He chased down the stick like no problem, but you could tell he was torn once Minkle threw the other stick,” noted Little Rounders fan Tanya Hortull, sniffly because she’s “allergic to badasses and also wire hairs.” “He even dropped the stick for a second, but when another guy reached for it, he picked it right up and sauntered away. Then dropped it again. But when someone reached for it, BAM! Picked it up and sauntered. Like it was a fucking game or something.”

The dog, named Travis Barker, which actually isn’t that clever, received praise from his pleased owner.

“He’s just a really good boy, and an even better audience member. When someone fell in the pit, he stopped having the zoomies right away and tried helping them up, but it really just ended with him tugging on the guy’s collar, but the fact is he tried his best. Then went back to the zoomies,” noted owner Derek Chen, a. 8.9% IPA in one hand and a bag of Greenies in the other. “It was fun watching him wag his tail in unison with the fist pumps. They didn’t even know that he was only stage diving because he’s afraid of stairs.

At press time, fellow pet owner Claire Dent was upset that Travis Barker outshined her Indian Ringneck Parakeet, “Keetwood Mac” – who absolutely nailed every single call-and-repeat throughout the show.

Sobering Thought No Match For Ten Beers

Posted on by Daniel Freborg

BOSTON – Local beer lover Ryan Kensington fleetingly experienced a sobering thought while in the midst of a bout of heavy drinking, but regrettably had the insight neutralized by the ten beers traveling through his system, sources confirm.

“I was standing in the backyard earlier tonight at my buddy Jake’s annual barbeque bonanza, happily clutching beer number ten and enjoying a great buzz when an epiphany shook my drunk ass,” Kensington said. “I suddenly realized how drastically my life is going to change in two months when the new baby arrives. The gravity of becoming a first-time father, a provider, a caregiver for a little gir……ah fuck I am so fuckin’ wasted, let’s set the fucking pool on fire. I bet I can beat all you mother fuckers in a wrestling match, try me, anyone, let’s go you little babies.”

Close friend Jake Bremer knew something was amiss when Kensington’s eyes, which had been half-closed all night, suddenly opened wide.

“He got this real uneasy expression on his face, like maybe he was too much of a pansy to handle that tenth beer. Then he up and dropped his tall boy, which with Ryan usually means he’s blind drunk and about to fall on the fucking cement and smash his dome,” said Bremer. “He had this little smile like he had just figured out something important or was satisfied with himself or some shit. For a sec it made me feel kinda weird but luckily his crazy ass stopped blacking out, cracked another PBR, and began yelling at no one in particular about how nobody loves him anymore or something dumb like that.”

Pabst Blue Ribbon CEO William Donegan dismissed out of hand any notion that their product was responsible for Kensington’s moment of clarity.

“Look, we totally disavow any responsibility for Kensington’s momentary lucid state. Our beer is not formulated to facilitate any deep thought,” Donegan said. “We aim to introduce lowest common denominator thinking, so we hate to see one of our customers have their cool buzz interrupted by silly things like pondering your impending fatherhood or whether you’ve become the man you hoped you’d be. We totally stand behind our internal research that indicates ninety-nine percent of the time our beer will terminate an enlightening thought faster than you can realize that you really gotta piss,” Donegan added.

At press time, Kensington lit up a fat joint in an attempt to pick up where his deep thought left off.

Opinion: Uh, I Definitely Have a Girlfriend She Just Lives in Canada and is Emily Haines from Metric

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a solid 6 on a good day but looks aren’t everything! I can still pull, as evidenced by the fact that I have a super awesome (albeit online) girlfriend who likes me for me and not because of my Target employee discount. I wish everyone around me shared the same enthusiasm, but because nobody has met her they assume I’m making her up.

Well sorry to burst your bubble, but she is 100% real and there’s a perfectly good explanation for her absence. It’s just that she lives in Canada and is Emily Haines, the lead singer of Metric.

Now before you start busting my balls, I will publicly state that yes, I am completely aware she was also in Broken Social Scene and a solo artist. I’m not an idiot. But here’s a fun fact you all didn’t know: she also trolls the same Canadian Funko Pop message board that I do, which is how we met. Is this not making sense to you at all?

And no, this is not one of those parasocial relationships because those are completely one-sided, this is legitimate. You think I’d add her as a plus one to my sister’s wedding if this wasn’t serious? Well obviously she wasn’t there, the band had a gig in Toronto. You gotta admire her commitment to music, it’s what attracted me to her in the first place.

I get the sense that you still don’t believe me. Well if I’m lying then how do you explain all these pictures of us together? No these aren’t photoshopped, the lighting is just weird from the tour bus which coincidentally looks like my 2008 Honda Civic.

Sure, I’d like to have Facetimed with her at least once during our relationship but she keeps dropping her phone minutes before we’re supposed to video chat. She’s talented but she sure is clumsy! One day you can hop on a call with us and ask her what it was like to write “Black Sheep.” But not right now, she’s on vacation with her family in Alberta and the cell phone coverage is spotty.

Now if you excuse me, I’m expecting a call from her any minute now which I’ll take in my car away from prying eyes. Don’t look so envious, assholes!

Punk Confuses Waitress’s Kindness With Interest in 2008 YouTube Video of Davey Havok Performing “Straight Edge Revenge” With Ceremony at 924 Gilman

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local punk, Joel Locke, reportedly mistook a waitress’s inherent kindness as an invitation to make her watch a 2008 YouTube video of Davey Havok performing “Straight Edge Revenge” with Ceremony at the famous Berkeley punk venue 924 Gilman, embarrassed sources confirmed.

“Lydia is the best! She kept my coffee filled, brought me extra jam for my toast, and even complimented me on my ‘All Hallow’s’ E.P. t-shirt. She said she liked the art,” said the absolutely clueless Locke. “I started telling her about the East Bay hardcore and punk scene and she was really interested! I said she absolutely NEEDED to see this video of Davey Havok doing ‘Straight Edge Revenge’ with Ceremony at Gilman. She was so stoked. I had queued it up for a third rewatch before she apologized and said she needed to go check on her other tables.”

Lydia Daly, the waitress who waited on Joel at the Denny’s on College Town Drive, says that unfortunately many patrons mistake her kindness for interest.

“It’s kind of an ongoing problem. My manager Cara Jean says I have to practice putting my foot down in these situations and stop being so nice to the nerds and obsessives who come into the restaurant,” said the painfully empathetic and compassionate Daly. “Look, my grandma always said the greatest gift you could give to someone is your attention and I believe it. That Joel fellow was passionate about something. I think the world would be a better place if more people showed that kind of passion.”

Cheyenne Hale, a sociologist at the University of California, San Francisco, says these types of interactions most often impact lovely, tenderhearted workers who regularly interact with the public.

“There are so many wonderful, kind, and gentle individuals working in service industries, especially as waitstaff and bartenders. That kindness can often be mistaken for interest in the customer or their hobbies and interests,” said Hale. “These workers are captive audiences. When the goodwill of these individuals clashes with the brutality of endemic loneliness, situations can arise where susceptible service workers get stuck in boundaryless conversations.”

At press time, Locke was paying his bill at the front counter and explaining to the unlucky hostess how Project X was one of the many bands that branched off from Youth of Today.

Couple Who Promised Never to Go to Bed Angry Experience First Hallucinations On Day Three

Posted on by Izzy Maurer

LANSING, Mich. — Recently married couple Wendy and Patrick Clark are facing a fourth night without any sleep whatsoever after refusing medical assistance despite constant, often terrifying hallucinations, according to concerned friends and family.

“I really can’t imagine what everybody is so worried about. We made some important vows when we got married in September, and one of them was never to go to bed angry. We’d heard about that rule from so many kind people who wanted to give us advice after we got engaged, and all we’re doing is honoring that,” said Mrs. Clark in between visions of dead family members. “And I’m sure I wouldn’t still be mad about Pat not cleaning the dishes, except I found out this morning that they can sing and dance, so I’m heading into day four of waiting for an apology fuming mad on their behalf.”

Mr. Clark claims that he can no longer remember how the argument started three days ago.

“I’ve been drinking coffee every few minutes to try and help me remember, but all that did was send me to the bathroom constantly. The giant purple duck sitting in the bathtub is my constant companion and he never criticizes the way I take out the trash,” said the newlywed who reportedly now has a 102-degree fever. “You know, Wendy suggested earlier that giant purple ducks don’t belong in bathtubs. Maybe that’s what we were arguing about? How dare she say something like that about my friend!”

Marriage counselor Mary-Jo Plinker, who spoke to the Clarks in an emergency appointment after friends became aware of the situation, is not sure what more can be done to help them.

“I’ve seen a lot in my time. Couples trying to revitalize their sex life by getting a bunk bed. A pair who were both allergic to shellfish powering through a meal because they’d heard oysters are a great aphrodisiac. All kinds of mishaps with power tools and ordinary household appliances where people’s feelings got hurt, as well as their bodies,” said Plinker. “Now, having a fight over nothing last for days, that’s not new. But I’d never heard of anyone butchering common marital advice quite this badly. If I even could be of any help to them, it won’t be until someone makes these poor idiots get some sleep.”

Plinker’s recommendation for the Clarks is sedation followed by consultation with divorce lawyers.

Help! My Neighbor’s Having A Heart Attack and Now I Have To Talk To Them

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

I was hoping for a quiet weekend. Watering plants near the window, I noticed my neighbor outside, clutching his chest.

It’s a heart attack and I can see it, plain as day, right outside my living room.

This is typical Chuck, my 90-year-old neighbor. And as he stumbles to the lawn with a stiff left arm, I watch him and wait for about a minute to see if anyone else notices.

Shit. I guess this one’s on me.

Problem is: Chuck is the most talkative neighbor on our block. I have to specifically time my trips to the car just to avoid him, otherwise, I’m sucked into a half-hour of small talk about the weather, work, or how I shouldn’t park my cars on my lawn.

Honestly I barely even know Chuck, and it’s with good cause. Between screaming at his own leaf-blowing gardeners, or frequently criticizing Biden on Nextdoor, there is plenty to dislike.

I brave the social interaction, running outside with a pillow and bottle of water. I quietly judge Chuck for being sweaty and gross and I can see in his bloodshot eyes that he’s judging me for the exact same reason. But come on Chuck, not a good look, laying in dirt like that. While on hold with 9-1-1, I ask him what he thinks of SZA but he begins breathing more frantically.

I calm him down, hold his hand and make a mental note to use sanitizer later. I look into his eyes and tell him it will be OK, knowing this is all a lie and hoping I can head back inside to finish that ‘Yellowjackets’ episode.

Finally, a response on the line. As we wait for the ambulance, Chuck starts talking about how my dog barks all night. I want to tell him to shut up, but I don’t have to because he started making all these weird gurgling sounds.

I try to wake him up by asking questions I know he wants to answer like “What sort of stain do you use on your deck?” And instantly snaps back to reality. Fuck, now we have a connection. He takes strained breaths. This may be his last moment on earth, but I have an iced coffee to get back to and now I bet it’s at fucking room temp.

As soon as the ambulance arrives, I hurry inside and close my shades. Unfortunately Chuck’s survival means I’m going over to his house for dinner next weekend. It’s a whole conversation ritual every time I want to leave the fucking apartment, “thank you, thank you, you saved my life, blah blah blah…” Guess I’m never leaving my apartment again.

Crowd Braces for a Long Night After Band Opens Set With Their Biggest Hit

Posted on by Ben Friedman

CHICAGO — An uneasy crowd braced for a long night at a local club after once popular ‘90s alt rock band Wheat Pigs opened their set with their biggest hit, annoyed attendees have reported.

“My husband and I were excited for exactly 15 seconds into the show when it dawned on me that ‘Pigs Get Fat, Hogs Get Slaughtered’ was their only hit. I don’t think anyone here could name another song after their first album, but these guys are clearly plowing ahead,” said attendee Regina Wilson. “I just wanted a casual evening of late ‘90s nostalgia, and now I’m supposed to stand through 70 minutes of half-assed retreads and crap from their electronica phase? But we already paid the babysitter for the whole night, so I guess we’re stuck here.”

It did not take long after the opening of the set for the band to realize they made a grave miscalculation.

“Every county fair and nostalgia festival for the last 15 years people are always yelling out that damn song from the start, so we figured tonight we were giving the people what they wanted. After all we’ve had like nine albums since 1995, we assumed some people in the audience had heard them. Apparently not,” said lead singer Johnny ‘Swine’ Baker. “I mean why not hype up the crowd to stretch that energy across 12 deep cuts and a late career Ramones cover. How else could we get people out to commemorate the 25th anniversary of our maligned second album?”

Gavin Newell, who has booked dozens of shows for alt rock legacy acts, stated that his biggest priority is to avoid this exact situation.

“Every smart has-been band knows you’re not supposed to blow your wad right out of the gate with your biggest hit, unless you want the crowd to leave immediately after. I told these guys to at least hold out until halfway through or better yet at the very end of their set, now I have the club owner up my ass about non-existent liquor sales. I told Stroke 9 the same thing when they opened with ‘Little Black Backpack’ and they ended their set playing to just the janitor,” said Newell. “The trick is to tease the crowd for as long as possible, and maybe impose a four drink minimum to get them through the lesser-known shit without having to block the exits.”

As of press time, the crowd was seen running for the door after the band announced the encore would be entirely new music.

Tireless Chris Christie Begins Preparation for 2028 Presidential Election Dropout Announcement

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MENDHAM TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The notoriously hardworking Chris Christie began preparing for his 2028 presidential election dropout announcement mere hours after revealing he had ended his 2024 campaign, confirmed sources who just wondered if they could get their donation money back.

“It’s never too early to start thinking about abandoning future endeavors and aspirations,” said the former governor of New Jersey. “It’s clear that there isn’t a path for me to win the nomination for the next few decades or so. In fact, I already have farewell announcements lined up for presidential bids in 2032, 2036, and 2040 too. I was even considering writing one up for 2044 just in case, but thought that might be a little too forward-thinking. I mean, I still have a few months before I actually have to start considering 2044’s campaign suspension. On the other hand, you just never want to wait until the last minute for these kinds of personal failures and public humiliations. Believe me. I’ve had a ton of those.”

Christie supporters were elated to hear about the upcoming announcements.

“This is exactly why I like him. He seems like the kind of guy you can have a beer with and continually give up on your dreams together. That’s my kind of leader,” said longtime New Jersey resident Joe Alderfield. “That being said, I didn’t even know he was running for president until he announced his campaign suspension. That’s the same that happened in 2016. The guy really needs to focus on telling people he’s running for president as opposed to telling people he’s not running for it. Who am I to judge though? I’m still going to write in Harambe for my 2024 presidential ballot regardless.”

Experts seemed to applaud Christie’s work ethic and sensibility.

“If you’re not the frontrunner in your political party, your bid for president is pretty much a fool’s journey,” said political analyst Julie Reinhold. “Christie is actually smart for dropping out so early and even more brilliant for bowing out of the next few decades’ campaigns. Otherwise, it just would’ve looked sad. Remember in 2016 when Bernie Sanders electrified the Democrat base, but the DNC had already chosen Hillary Clinton much to the chagrin of their voters? If Bernie had dropped out early, no one would’ve been excited for their party at all. No political party wants that.”

At press time, Christie also began preparations for dropping out of his Netflix membership in 2026.