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Tireless Chris Christie Begins Preparation for 2028 Presidential Election Dropout Announcement

MENDHAM TOWNSHIP, N.J. — The notoriously hardworking Chris Christie began preparing for his 2028 presidential election dropout announcement mere hours after revealing he had ended his 2024 campaign, confirmed sources who just wondered if they could get their donation money back.

“It’s never too early to start thinking about abandoning future endeavors and aspirations,” said the former governor of New Jersey. “It’s clear that there isn’t a path for me to win the nomination for the next few decades or so. In fact, I already have farewell announcements lined up for presidential bids in 2032, 2036, and 2040 too. I was even considering writing one up for 2044 just in case, but thought that might be a little too forward-thinking. I mean, I still have a few months before I actually have to start considering 2044’s campaign suspension. On the other hand, you just never want to wait until the last minute for these kinds of personal failures and public humiliations. Believe me. I’ve had a ton of those.”

Christie supporters were elated to hear about the upcoming announcements.

“This is exactly why I like him. He seems like the kind of guy you can have a beer with and continually give up on your dreams together. That’s my kind of leader,” said longtime New Jersey resident Joe Alderfield. “That being said, I didn’t even know he was running for president until he announced his campaign suspension. That’s the same that happened in 2016. The guy really needs to focus on telling people he’s running for president as opposed to telling people he’s not running for it. Who am I to judge though? I’m still going to write in Harambe for my 2024 presidential ballot regardless.”

Experts seemed to applaud Christie’s work ethic and sensibility.

“If you’re not the frontrunner in your political party, your bid for president is pretty much a fool’s journey,” said political analyst Julie Reinhold. “Christie is actually smart for dropping out so early and even more brilliant for bowing out of the next few decades’ campaigns. Otherwise, it just would’ve looked sad. Remember in 2016 when Bernie Sanders electrified the Democrat base, but the DNC had already chosen Hillary Clinton much to the chagrin of their voters? If Bernie had dropped out early, no one would’ve been excited for their party at all. No political party wants that.”

At press time, Christie also began preparations for dropping out of his Netflix membership in 2026.