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I Was Sitting Next to Alanis Morissette and Dave Coulier In That Theater and I Still Don’t Know How “Aladdin” Ends

The year was 1992. I had just clocked out at Spencer’s Gifts and walked across the mall to catch the next showing of “Aladdin.” Robin Williams and Gilbert Gottfried? That’s a 1992 comedy Dream Team. The lights go down and I’m enjoying my trip to Agrabah when the couple next to me starts getting hot and heavy. I look over to catch a glimpse of the action and sure enough it’s the 7th best character on “Full House,” Dave Coulier! And if I wasn’t starstruck enough, he’s with Alanis Morissette!

But then they really started going at it, and by the time “Aladdin” gets trapped in the cave, Alanis is on her knees rubbing on Dave’s lamp trying to release his Genie. If you know what I mean, and for those that don’t I’ll make it very clear, she was blowing the hell out of him. I’m trying to ignore them but I can’t hear Robin Williams over Dave Coulier’s feral moaning. Finally Dave gets so excited he starts doing his Popeye impression, and I bolt for the exit just in time to hear “uh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guhhh!” echo through the theater. I never could eat spinach after that day.

Well I wasn’t about to let Uncle Joey be the only one that finished in that theater, so I went back the next day to finish the movie. But halfway through, who walks in? That’s right, Dave and Alanis. They clearly didn’t see the finale either, so maybe they just wanted to watch the ending? But no, they picked the two seats directly next to me in an empty theater and she started bowing down to Prince Ali again. I could understand being that horny for “Batman Returns,” but “Aladdin?” Twice?

So a few years later I saw this display at Blockbuster for “Aladdin” on VHS, and I figured I should try again before those bastards put it in the Disney Vault. I’m driving home when this new song called ‘You Oughta Know’ comes on the radio.

“Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?”

Wait, I know that voice. Oh, God. The image of Dave Coulier’s face twisted in ecstasy as he moaned like Popeye flashed through my head, and I nearly crashed my car. I flipped a U-turn and headed back to return the movie.

So it’s been over 30 years and I still don’t know how “Aladdin” ends. Every time I scroll past it on Disney+ I start dry heaving because, just like Alanis, I’m reminded of the mess Dave left when he went away. Fuck you, Dave Coulier.