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Opinion: Uh, I Definitely Have a Girlfriend She Just Lives in Canada and is Emily Haines from Metric

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a solid 6 on a good day but looks aren’t everything! I can still pull, as evidenced by the fact that I have a super awesome (albeit online) girlfriend who likes me for me and not because of my Target employee discount. I wish everyone around me shared the same enthusiasm, but because nobody has met her they assume I’m making her up.

Well sorry to burst your bubble, but she is 100% real and there’s a perfectly good explanation for her absence. It’s just that she lives in Canada and is Emily Haines, the lead singer of Metric.

Now before you start busting my balls, I will publicly state that yes, I am completely aware she was also in Broken Social Scene and a solo artist. I’m not an idiot. But here’s a fun fact you all didn’t know: she also trolls the same Canadian Funko Pop message board that I do, which is how we met. Is this not making sense to you at all?

And no, this is not one of those parasocial relationships because those are completely one-sided, this is legitimate. You think I’d add her as a plus one to my sister’s wedding if this wasn’t serious? Well obviously she wasn’t there, the band had a gig in Toronto. You gotta admire her commitment to music, it’s what attracted me to her in the first place.

I get the sense that you still don’t believe me. Well if I’m lying then how do you explain all these pictures of us together? No these aren’t photoshopped, the lighting is just weird from the tour bus which coincidentally looks like my 2008 Honda Civic.

Sure, I’d like to have Facetimed with her at least once during our relationship but she keeps dropping her phone minutes before we’re supposed to video chat. She’s talented but she sure is clumsy! One day you can hop on a call with us and ask her what it was like to write “Black Sheep.” But not right now, she’s on vacation with her family in Alberta and the cell phone coverage is spotty.

Now if you excuse me, I’m expecting a call from her any minute now which I’ll take in my car away from prying eyes. Don’t look so envious, assholes!