Report: Crowds of People Begin Sprinting Towards Lovers as Frou Frou Plays Through Airport Speakers

Posted on by Matt McInerney

NEWARK, N.J. – Local officials are responding to reports of crowds sprinting towards their lovers through Newark Airport as Frou Frou’s “Let Go” plays over the intercom, wistful sources confirmed.

“I was at the Hudson News looking for a sandwich for under $18 and then things got weird. There was an announcement about a Jetblue flight moving gates then ‘Let Go’ started playing. It was as if the entire airport turned to see where it was coming from. As soon as the lyrics ‘Drink up, baby, down’ left the speakers, the horde of people shifted into a running stance,” said Rudy Huber, a traveler who witnessed the event. “Before I knew it, the entire crowd began sprinting in multiple directions. Panicked men burst through security. Throngs of women kicked their heels off as they barreled down the terminal. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Brock Cohen was one of those caught up in the frenzy.

“I don’t know what came over me. When the song started, images began flashing through my head. I had just met a nice young woman in my hometown and was leaving to fly back to the big city. But suddenly, scenes of her dancing, laughing, and cuddling me under the sheets raced through my mind,” said Cohen. “She kept silently smiling at me in a kind of sexy but also wholesome way. I couldn’t help myself. It was as if my brain had pinpointed her location and steered me to her. I just started hurtling uncontrollably down a nearby escalator to find her.”

Kayla Davenport, a music supervisor who has worked on rom-coms like “Garden State” and “The Holiday,” says she warned airports about using Frou Frou’s modest hit on playlists.

“I’ve known the power of this song for years. Whenever I need to score a movie that shows a character suddenly realizing the love they are about to lose, I pipe it in. What I always worried about, though: if this works so well in a movie, why not in real life?” wondered Davenport. “So, I’ve been proposing legislation that would ban it from public places like stadiums and airports, fearing what might happen if it fell into the wrong hands. No one would listen, though, and now I fear it’s too late.”

At press time, the airport realized their mistake and instead started playing “Hide and Seek,” only to watch the crowd stop and drop to their knees, screaming, “Marissa, no!!!!”

The Next Oasis? I Just Filed A Restraining Order Against My Brother

Posted on by Connor Donnelly

For decades sibling rivalry has been the core of legendary British rock band Oasis. Due to their multiple extended hiatuses, I think it is time my brother and I rise to the occasion and take their place.

My brother and I have been at each other’s throats for as long as I can remember. He would break into my room, steal my clothes, and throw them in the river, no matter how much we fought he would never tell me why. But it led to me wearing a trash bag as pants to school at least three times. Despite our differences, we were able to come together and form our band Disciples of Decatur. We played 8 shows and gave out several burned CD-Rs that I’m sure are still in heavy rotation. I will never forget the feeling of ripping off a Stones riff and pairing it with his deep introspective lyrics that lacked any meaning whatsoever. It was magic.

This brotherly relationship took a nosedive two years ago when he stole my dog Gingerbread claiming “he needs to serve a greater purpose.” Since this incident, I began to distance myself from him for the safety of myself and my family, despite this distance he still found a way to continue meddling with my life. Because of this, just last week I was forced to file a five year restraining order against him. The stress of this conflict has made me want to be creative again.

Even though we have our differences there is a part of me that misses rocking out with him and making waves. We really had something going on and I truly believe our separation could fuel our fiery creative partnership again. I am beginning to stock up on burnable CDs while the market is low and I am putting money aside to record once we are reunited.

My excitement for this reunion cannot be overstated. I have been looking on Craigslist to find a suitable guitar for our future career. My wife does not understand the potential of this situation and is trying to squash my dreams by saying bullshit like “Do you even care about your kids?” and “We don’t have the type of money to just save for your stupid dreams when you don’t even have a job!” Even with my wife against me, I have started listening to music more seriously and watching guitar lessons on YouTube in preparation for the long-awaited reunion of Disciples of Decatur.

20-Year High School Reunion Devolves into Real Estate Convention

Posted on by Tim Mehew

SACRAMENTO, Calif — Several Attendees of the Montgomery High School Class of ‘03 Reunion were left baffled when the night suddenly turned into a collection of realtors presenting properties they had for sale within the area, sources looking over their finances claim.

“I was grabbing a drink and catching up with my old fling Carla Flores and the next thing I know I’m signed up to attend two open houses and some first-time home buyer education thingy tomorrow,” said Dan Mathews, Montgomery ‘03 grad. “I’d never move back to this shithole town. I was just trying to rekindle the magic and get her number, but she insisted I check out this mid-century bungalow in an up-and-coming neighborhood just 40 miles from downtown. I’m in no position to buy a home, but it was nice just to have her pay attention to me again.

Event Organizer and Montgomery HS ‘03 alum, Allison Albrecht, was pleased with the turnout and happy to catch up with old friends.

“I got to see my old cheer squad and yearbook crew; it was even great to see what some of my old boyfriends are up to these days,” she bubbled. “I was able to link Auston Bronde with my lender since he’s trying to refi, and I got Danny Wilson to come take a look at a modest three bedroom two bath on Lakeview early tomorrow morning that would be perfect for him. He was so excited he signed up for my seminar about navigating banks and mortgage loans. It sounds promising!”

“Sure, my methods have been perceived as questionable, maybe even unethical, but I’m putting people in homes!” she touted. “You don’t get Coldwell Bankers’ #1 North of the Feather River title for letting opportunities like this pass you by.”

For Event Coordinators like Rebecca Skaggs, integrating real estate strategies into private events is a trend she only sees accelerating.

“To these people, everyone looks like a potential buyer. Nothing is sacred to them,” said Skaggs. “Last week an agent approached me about connecting with him to use open houses as wedding venues. I’ve even had offers for funerals! They’re just so abysmally shameless that it’s kind of impressive. A woman from Sotheby’s reached out to me to see if I could coordinate a parade to pass through a neighborhood where she has seven listings. I mean, it’s exploitative and unscrupulous, but you almost have to tip your hat to them.”

At the time of press, Albrecht presented Mathews with the “Most Likely to Close on a Modest Starter Home” award during the class superlatives ceremony.

Photo by HHawk.

Nikki Haley and Ron DeSantis to Debate Whether Slavery Was Good or Never Happened

Posted on by Chad Kubrak

DES MOINES, Iowa — Republican hopefuls Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley are expected to make slavery a big topic for their debate tonight ahead of the 2024 Iowa caucus with one candidate claiming slavery was beneficial while the other pretends it never happened, strategists confirmed.

“Folks keep talking to me about this ‘slavery’ nonsense. I have no idea what you people are talking about. Sure, I heard a thing or two about ‘slavery’ in high school history. But that’s the thing, there’s too much history to keep track of. Sometimes we just need to accept things as grains of sand––too minute to even acknowledge. That’s history to me,” Haley said. “Were there bad working conditions that almost exclusively harmed Black people? Yes, but that’s not slavery, it’s the American way! Besides, everybody knows the Civil War was fought over states’ rights, not, uh, damn it. What’s it even called again?”

DeSantis, however, while acknowledging the existence of slavery, argues the unspeakable atrocities committed are arbitrary when compared to the net positives.

“As a perfectly normal human with perfectly normal human feelings, I’m sick and tired of seeing this endless spiel of woke nonsense about ‘whiteness, generational trauma, the wealth gap, redlining and international anti-blackness,” DeSantis explained after attempting to smile for five minutes. “My dad never taught me how to use a shovel, or anything. You know who did teach folks how to use shovels? Slave masters, they were educators. People forget that. This is what the woke left wants, they want to make white kids feel bad about themselves because their great-grandparents taught Black people about agriculture. This is what the American public wants addressed. Normal Americans like myself, we don’t want this DEI critical analysis of history, we want more guns, and our pizza delivered on time.”

Political pundit and historian Maya Carter suggested the debate is counterintuitive and helpful to absolutely no one.

“This is one of those things that, while terrible, isn’t really surprising,” Carter stated. “Any chance at discussions of reparations and real analysis of the profound effects of slavery and systemic racism have been replaced by ‘the military is woke because of Black lesbian pronouns.’ We’re talking and walking in circles about nothing. It almost makes you wish climate change would happen even sooner so we could put an end to all of this.”

Sources confirm that Republican voters are excited to tune into the debate and vote for Trump anyway.

Man Rushed to Hospital After Accidentally Laying On Pillow With Decorative Button

Posted on by Matt McInerney

STONINGTON, Conn. — Local man Eddie Walker was rushed to a hospital in critical condition after accidentally laying his head on a pillow with a decorative button, horrified sources confirmed.

“The last thing I remember was throwing my body onto the couch after a long day. I could never have imagined there would be something so hazardous waiting for me,” said Walker as he rubbed his head. “When I came to, they told me I suffered both a concussion and severe lacerations. I guess I suffered amnesia, too, because I couldn’t remember a thing for days. But they were able to treat that with an experimental procedure that involved hitting me in the head a second time with the same decorative button.”

Aubrey Skinner, Walker’s longtime partner, just thought the button would be cute.

“I just kept looking at our boring old couch pillows and thought they needed a little something new. That’s when I found the TikTok button tutorial video,” said Skinner. “The lady never warned that something like this could happen though! All I did was stitch a few large metal buttons in the middle of Eddie’s favorite pillow. I thought he’d notice how adorable it was, and maybe post a story on Instagram. I could have never imagined he’d violently smash his head into it without even admiring my craft first.”

Emery Ingram is an ER doctor who sees this on a shockingly regular basis.

“Most of my day is spent on these TikTok decorating trends and DIY projects gone wrong. Yesterday, I saved a man’s life after he nearly decapitated himself on a newly installed floating shelf. Then I treated a woman who almost lost a hand that was crushed under the weight of a poorly applied backsplash,” said Ingram. “Oh, and the worst was someone last week who was trapped in their home for days after building themselves into a custom closet system. They managed to survive by extracting nutrients from a dirty sock until a neighbor finally heard the screams.”
At press time, Skinner was seen silencing a smoke alarm as she waited for a “toaster grilled cheese” to finish cooking, a welcome home meal for Walker.

Ultimate BDSM? My Girlfriend Is Super Mean to Me and We No Longer Have Sex

Posted on by Malia Simon

My girlfriend and I have gotten into some pretty freaky stuff lately. In the past, we’ve tried bondage, hair-pulling, and name-calling, but all of that starts to get a little run-of-the-mill after you’ve done it for long enough. That’s why we’re advancing to the level of sado-masochism in which she seems visibly annoyed with me all the time and also has no interest in sex. It’s kind of the ultimate BDSM fantasy, if you think about it.

For example, last night I got home from work already juiced up for our role play when she hit me with a: “Get away from me, you fat fuck.”

“That’s literally so hot, babe,” I said.

That’s just the way we talk to each other now — it started happening after we took a long trip together and she got a chance to see how I live when I’m alone, which, according to her, “really changed her view of me.” It felt so awful and demeaning, almost like the real thing!

After divulging our new adventures in the bedroom to a few of my friends, it’s come to my attention that to some less sexually evolved folks this three-month-long role play might seem like a relationship on the rocks. What these people don’t understand is there is a very fine line between a struggling relationship and an extremely realistic sado-masochistic enactment, and I am all for pushing that line as far as it can go. For instance, last week when we were role-playing on the long car ride, my girlfriend made me pull over just to tell me she “needs a break” and “is thinking of going back to grad school.”

That’s right, give it to me. There is nothing kinkier than the sting of someone growing up and moving on from you.
What’s our safe word?

We haven’t actually talked about this part yet. I think we’re both so wrapped up in the danger and excitement of it all that we can forget to take care of each other’s feelings. Right, babe? I’m sure she’ll agree, just as soon as she finishes packing her suitcase for whatever fun vacation she’s planning for us!

Groom Spends First Dance Gazing Longingly at Wedding Band’s Pedal Board

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

MINNEAPOLIS — Local groom and longtime guitarist Parker Anderson gazed longingly at the wedding band guitarist’s illustrious pedal board during the first dance with his new wife Allison Grant at the ceremony’s reception, confirmed sources who sympathized with the groom now that they had a good look at it.

“I used to play lead in a shoegaze-influenced post-punk dark psychedelic band called Fake Jan and I thought I had a pretty sweet setup with 15 effects, but this guy has 23! It’s stunning. Positively radiant! It’s making me want to get the Fender Jaguar and fuzz equipboard back out and bring it on my honeymoon with us,” Anderson said, kneeling on the bandstand posing for pictures with the gear. “Allison looked good in her recently departed grandmother’s vintage dress and all. But a day I see Zakk Wylde wah, Fulltone Full-Drive overdrive, and a Klon Centaur is a day I will always remember.”

Despite Anderson’s distracted behavior, the bride tried to express a level of understanding.

“It’s no secret Parker is a total guitar geek. Our second bedroom is filled with tech stuff, he plays his heart out with his bar band, and he even wrote in his dating profile that he had ‘GAS, or Gear Acquisition Syndrome.’ It’s cute,” Grant said, sitting at the sweetheart table alone. “I have hobbies too. I just wish he was spending the reception with me instead of the sound guy. It was bad enough that he made the photographer spend an hour and a half snapping pictures of the guitar player’s gear.”

According to couples therapists, a distracted groom is a common complaint from their partners.

“The pressure of the wedding day can put strains on a relationship, but understanding and communication can help a couple through the high-pressure event,” said expert Jordana Kirigoe. “But the pain points on the day of can highlight potential future issues. Focusing on the guitarist’s pedal set too much on such an important day will likely lead to tension. Speaking from experience, my partner got very upset when I purchased a J Mascis Jazzmaster with custom Kinman Guitar Electrix ThickMaster Zero-Hum pickups and an Adjusto-Matic bridge with vintage-style floating tremolo tailpiece. He considered that cheating on the Epiphone that he once bought me. Years later, we are no longer together.”

In the weeks following the wedding, Grant reported that the couple established an arrangement where he would reunite his former band and she will keep hooking up with her ex.

Apple Caught Intentionally Slowing Down iPhones Still Not Enough to Make Customers Switch to Samsung Galaxy

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s public settlement for deliberately slowing down certain iPhones in what  was seen as an attempt to swindle users has proven unsuccessful in convincing current customers to make the switch to the less popular Samsung Galaxy, confirmed sources who rolled their eyes at the mere mention of another brand.

“Tim Cook could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I would still support his products,” said longtime iPhone user Doug Clarvon. “Also, as someone who owns the iPhone, Apple Watch, iMac, MacBook, Apple TV, AirPods, iPod Nano, and soon to be Vision Pro, I can’t just completely overhaul my life at this point. That would be like going from someone who’s owned dogs all their lives to all of the sudden becoming a tarantula guy. Not to mention I’d become the person no one wants to text because I’d have that green bubble instead of the blue one. I would rather buy a used flip phone from 2005 that doesn’t even support the internet than become an Android person. Gross.”

Samsung executives thought this could’ve been the exact moment things swayed in their favor.

“Can’t believe this wasn’t the straw that broke the Genius Bar’s back,” said executive Blair Washington. “We thought for sure we’d gain boatloads of new customers after Apple’s 2014 debacle that forced everyone to own that U2 album in their iTunes library. But no, all we did was somehow lose our hardcore Bono fanbase, which turns out was about one-third of our users. It’s almost like our product is seen as inferior even though it also makes calls, texts, and can take photos. One day we hope to get video capabilities too.”

Marketing experts were quick to note that almost nothing can stop Apple’s dominance in the smartphone landscape.

“Do not underestimate the power of brand loyalty,” said advertising executive Francine Millweather. “Apple has such a strong hold on people that users are convinced they cannot live without it. It’s just like the Pepsi versus Coca-Cola thing. Americans will have heated debates over which one is best. But at the end of the day, you’re still just a cog in the wheel of capitalism that forces you to devote your identity to a company that pushes products that do nothing but rot your insides. But what are you going to do? Live off the grid in the woods and become all weird from years of isolation? I don’t think so. Pick a brand and fight its enemies.”

At press time, iPhone customers dug their heels in the sand after it was revealed that Apple knowingly used child labor to manufacture their products.

Studies Show That Adult Males Don’t Fully Mature Until They Die

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

DURHAM, N.C. — Researchers at Duke University made the startling discovery that the male brain does not fully mature until death, confirmed sources who didn’t know what to do with that information.

“We were astonished: the male cerebrum and frontal cortex remain in teenagehood well into the 80s and 90s age range. Don’t be fooled by an octogenarian man — you’re still speaking with a 17-year-old, mentally-speaking,” shared Dr. Amber Matosian ahead of her TED Talk. “But at the very instance of death, boom — instant maturity. Adulthood, fully achieved. It’s like the ‘great beyond’ suddenly endows men with a self-reflection and awareness they were so desperately lacking while alive. This would explain cyclical, generational lifetimes of bad decisions, ranging from a love of violent sports, firearms, and warfare, to anger problems in general.”

The discovery has been disputed by frustrated sources, including local mechanic’s bookkeeper Gary “Big G” Sheridan.

“Sounds like a bunch of woke bullshit, if you ask me. You’re telling me I’m not a man until I’m six feet under? I read about it on my favorite blog, Freedom Truth USA, and I almost threw my iPad out the window. I’m a big boy and a grown-up, OK?!” opined Sheridan from the ER after attempting to shave off a tumor. “Men are like wine. You don’t leave me in the cupboard to turn into vinegar, you uncork me now, baby! And if I wasn’t in this hospital, you know I’d be doing a new podcast episode with my boys. You should check us out sometime. We basically talk about movies, Xbox games, and crazy news of the week, tell jokes, crush some brews. Dudes being dudes, just like in the Roman Empire days or freakin’ World War Two n’ shit.”

The discovery has redirected federal funding to the rehabilitation facility Striving For Adulthood, a Los Angeles non-profit whose charity work guides men toward maturation.

“Our facility’s mission is simple: help boys become men before they draw their final breath. Our methods are ‘state of the art’ and change every day,” shared Shauna McNeely, director of the non-profit. “At our center, we teach basic financial acumen, common decency, respect for others, soft social skills, self-awareness, and rage control. That last one is trickiest. Unfortunately we’ve had a .7% success rate, but if our visitors leave with the tiniest shred of accountability or sense of self-responsibility, we feel like we’ve done our part.”

At press time, research has unveiled a startling correlation between rapid mental deceleration and exposure to The Joe Rogan Experiment, with several male subjects reaching cognitive lows comparable to while “in utero.”

Opinion: I’ll Never Apologize for Google Searching “Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip” on My Work Computer

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

You know, it’s hard being an administrative assistant at the 7th most successful personal injury law firm in the larger Madison, Wisconsin metropolitan area. You work all day for no credit, get yelled at constantly by the senior partners, and are on call around the clock. It’s absolute fucking bullshit.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into this job, but no one seems to care. The only thing they seem to care about is that I Googled “Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip” on my company-assigned Dell Inspiron 15 laptop.

People keep asking me, “Greg, why did you Google ‘Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip’?” It’s not important why I Googled ‘Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip’ or that I did it another 19 times the following week. What’s important is that I get no respect whatsoever at this job and am being persecuted for my internet searches. You should be asking, “Greg, why are you being oppressed by Human Resources? Don’t they know about all the hard unrecognized work you do for the firm?” But no one wants to ask the tough questions.

Look, I just found out a week ago that in 2015, while performing his hit song ‘Fly Away’ to a Swedish audience, Lenny Kravitz’s leather pants ripped revealing he wasn’t wearing any underwear. Now I’m being victimized for my curiosity! I didn’t do anything wrong. This is exactly the problem with the United States today. A hardworking, honest, guy can’t Google anything on his work computer anymore. How is any work supposed to get done in this country, goddammit!

My colleagues say I should just apologize and go on with my life.

“You made a mistake,” they said.

“It’s not a big deal,” they said.

“For Christ’s sake, stop Googling it, alright? It’s been like 73 times now. You have an iPhone. Just look it up on there if you need to,” they said.

But I didn’t make a mistake and it is a huge deal. Now is the time I take my stand. I’m sick of this fucking place. I’ll Google “Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip” until they pry this Dell laptop computer from my cold, damp hands. And I won’t apologize.