CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s public settlement for deliberately slowing down certain iPhones in what was seen as an attempt to swindle users has proven unsuccessful in convincing current customers to make the switch to the less popular Samsung Galaxy, confirmed sources who rolled their eyes at the mere mention of another brand.
“Tim Cook could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I would still support his products,” said longtime iPhone user Doug Clarvon. “Also, as someone who owns the iPhone, Apple Watch, iMac, MacBook, Apple TV, AirPods, iPod Nano, and soon to be Vision Pro, I can’t just completely overhaul my life at this point. That would be like going from someone who’s owned dogs all their lives to all of the sudden becoming a tarantula guy. Not to mention I’d become the person no one wants to text because I’d have that green bubble instead of the blue one. I would rather buy a used flip phone from 2005 that doesn’t even support the internet than become an Android person. Gross.”
Samsung executives thought this could’ve been the exact moment things swayed in their favor.
“Can’t believe this wasn’t the straw that broke the Genius Bar’s back,” said executive Blair Washington. “We thought for sure we’d gain boatloads of new customers after Apple’s 2014 debacle that forced everyone to own that U2 album in their iTunes library. But no, all we did was somehow lose our hardcore Bono fanbase, which turns out was about one-third of our users. It’s almost like our product is seen as inferior even though it also makes calls, texts, and can take photos. One day we hope to get video capabilities too.”
Marketing experts were quick to note that almost nothing can stop Apple’s dominance in the smartphone landscape.
“Do not underestimate the power of brand loyalty,” said advertising executive Francine Millweather. “Apple has such a strong hold on people that users are convinced they cannot live without it. It’s just like the Pepsi versus Coca-Cola thing. Americans will have heated debates over which one is best. But at the end of the day, you’re still just a cog in the wheel of capitalism that forces you to devote your identity to a company that pushes products that do nothing but rot your insides. But what are you going to do? Live off the grid in the woods and become all weird from years of isolation? I don’t think so. Pick a brand and fight its enemies.”
At press time, iPhone customers dug their heels in the sand after it was revealed that Apple knowingly used child labor to manufacture their products.