DES MOINES, Iowa — Republican hopefuls Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley are expected to make slavery a big topic for their debate tonight ahead of the 2024 Iowa caucus with one candidate claiming slavery was beneficial while the other pretends it never happened, strategists confirmed.
“Folks keep talking to me about this ‘slavery’ nonsense. I have no idea what you people are talking about. Sure, I heard a thing or two about ‘slavery’ in high school history. But that’s the thing, there’s too much history to keep track of. Sometimes we just need to accept things as grains of sand––too minute to even acknowledge. That’s history to me,” Haley said. “Were there bad working conditions that almost exclusively harmed Black people? Yes, but that’s not slavery, it’s the American way! Besides, everybody knows the Civil War was fought over states’ rights, not, uh, damn it. What’s it even called again?”
DeSantis, however, while acknowledging the existence of slavery, argues the unspeakable atrocities committed are arbitrary when compared to the net positives.
“As a perfectly normal human with perfectly normal human feelings, I’m sick and tired of seeing this endless spiel of woke nonsense about ‘whiteness, generational trauma, the wealth gap, redlining and international anti-blackness,” DeSantis explained after attempting to smile for five minutes. “My dad never taught me how to use a shovel, or anything. You know who did teach folks how to use shovels? Slave masters, they were educators. People forget that. This is what the woke left wants, they want to make white kids feel bad about themselves because their great-grandparents taught Black people about agriculture. This is what the American public wants addressed. Normal Americans like myself, we don’t want this DEI critical analysis of history, we want more guns, and our pizza delivered on time.”
Political pundit and historian Maya Carter suggested the debate is counterintuitive and helpful to absolutely no one.
“This is one of those things that, while terrible, isn’t really surprising,” Carter stated. “Any chance at discussions of reparations and real analysis of the profound effects of slavery and systemic racism have been replaced by ‘the military is woke because of Black lesbian pronouns.’ We’re talking and walking in circles about nothing. It almost makes you wish climate change would happen even sooner so we could put an end to all of this.”
Sources confirm that Republican voters are excited to tune into the debate and vote for Trump anyway.