Press "Enter" to skip to content

Opinion: I’ll Never Apologize for Google Searching “Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip” on My Work Computer

You know, it’s hard being an administrative assistant at the 7th most successful personal injury law firm in the larger Madison, Wisconsin metropolitan area. You work all day for no credit, get yelled at constantly by the senior partners, and are on call around the clock. It’s absolute fucking bullshit.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into this job, but no one seems to care. The only thing they seem to care about is that I Googled “Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip” on my company-assigned Dell Inspiron 15 laptop.

People keep asking me, “Greg, why did you Google ‘Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip’?” It’s not important why I Googled ‘Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip’ or that I did it another 19 times the following week. What’s important is that I get no respect whatsoever at this job and am being persecuted for my internet searches. You should be asking, “Greg, why are you being oppressed by Human Resources? Don’t they know about all the hard unrecognized work you do for the firm?” But no one wants to ask the tough questions.

Look, I just found out a week ago that in 2015, while performing his hit song ‘Fly Away’ to a Swedish audience, Lenny Kravitz’s leather pants ripped revealing he wasn’t wearing any underwear. Now I’m being victimized for my curiosity! I didn’t do anything wrong. This is exactly the problem with the United States today. A hardworking, honest, guy can’t Google anything on his work computer anymore. How is any work supposed to get done in this country, goddammit!

My colleagues say I should just apologize and go on with my life.

“You made a mistake,” they said.

“It’s not a big deal,” they said.

“For Christ’s sake, stop Googling it, alright? It’s been like 73 times now. You have an iPhone. Just look it up on there if you need to,” they said.

But I didn’t make a mistake and it is a huge deal. Now is the time I take my stand. I’m sick of this fucking place. I’ll Google “Lenny Kravitz Pants Rip” until they pry this Dell laptop computer from my cold, damp hands. And I won’t apologize.