BOSTON – Local beer lover Ryan Kensington fleetingly experienced a sobering thought while in the midst of a bout of heavy drinking, but regrettably had the insight neutralized by the ten beers traveling through his system, sources confirm.
“I was standing in the backyard earlier tonight at my buddy Jake’s annual barbeque bonanza, happily clutching beer number ten and enjoying a great buzz when an epiphany shook my drunk ass,” Kensington said. “I suddenly realized how drastically my life is going to change in two months when the new baby arrives. The gravity of becoming a first-time father, a provider, a caregiver for a little gir……ah fuck I am so fuckin’ wasted, let’s set the fucking pool on fire. I bet I can beat all you mother fuckers in a wrestling match, try me, anyone, let’s go you little babies.”
Close friend Jake Bremer knew something was amiss when Kensington’s eyes, which had been half-closed all night, suddenly opened wide.
“He got this real uneasy expression on his face, like maybe he was too much of a pansy to handle that tenth beer. Then he up and dropped his tall boy, which with Ryan usually means he’s blind drunk and about to fall on the fucking cement and smash his dome,” said Bremer. “He had this little smile like he had just figured out something important or was satisfied with himself or some shit. For a sec it made me feel kinda weird but luckily his crazy ass stopped blacking out, cracked another PBR, and began yelling at no one in particular about how nobody loves him anymore or something dumb like that.”
Pabst Blue Ribbon CEO William Donegan dismissed out of hand any notion that their product was responsible for Kensington’s moment of clarity.
“Look, we totally disavow any responsibility for Kensington’s momentary lucid state. Our beer is not formulated to facilitate any deep thought,” Donegan said. “We aim to introduce lowest common denominator thinking, so we hate to see one of our customers have their cool buzz interrupted by silly things like pondering your impending fatherhood or whether you’ve become the man you hoped you’d be. We totally stand behind our internal research that indicates ninety-nine percent of the time our beer will terminate an enlightening thought faster than you can realize that you really gotta piss,” Donegan added.
At press time, Kensington lit up a fat joint in an attempt to pick up where his deep thought left off.