SAN JOSE — Local man Chris Bendar, 32, very carefully found a verbal path around mentioning TikTok when recommending Petey’s new album “USA” to a group of gathered friends, multiple sources confirmed
“I’ll admit I was skeptical at first when I checked out Petey’s music because you know, the guy is pretty popular on… um, uh an obscure content creation platform,” said Bendar, who spends at least two hours on TikTok before bed. “But he’s created his own sketch comedy world, very DIY. It’s kinda like an Eddie Murphy thing where he plays all the characters, but I should also be clear that the songs aren’t funny like an Adam Sandler thing, the songs are just good. Listen to it on your way to work or something.”
According to experts, the avoidance of mentioning the most popular social media platform of the day is common.
“This is especially true among people who pride themselves on being the first to know about a new band,” Joan Terrance, head of psychology at the University Of California Berkeley said. “The artistic human mind simply does not like to admit they discovered anything with the aid of the greatest discovery algorithms to ever exist. I’m currently working on a thesis about bands who blew up on Myspace and how they have transitioned into the current music economy. The problem is every band I’ve reached out to refuses to admit they ever uses Myspace.”
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We’re currently beating Georgie with a telephone because we didn’t like the look on his face, so we’re going to assume he doesn’t have the charisma to make a presidential run.
Charmaine is a strong, independent woman who calls it like she sees it, has no stomach for classism, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. A woman like that has no place in the GOP.
She’s got despotism on lock and she has experience with the legal system, but the wrong side. You’re supposed to put the poor people IN the jails if you want to impress Republicans Mead.
Unless it’s in theology, nothing turns off conservative voters more than a doctorate.
We hate to quote Trump even in this tongue-in-cheek conceit, but “Known loser. Low Energy. Sad.”
He’s a strong self-promoter and he can court conservative boomers to an extent, but once the conversation moves away from “The Godfather” trilogy, he’s sort of out of moves.
You would think being an actual person would shoot Daniel to the top of this list, but we can think of at least three other Baldwins with e better shot at the White House.
Bobby’s warmth, good-heartedness, and remorse for having to kill people may fly in the New Jersey mafia, but it has absolutely no place in today’s conservative movement.
Hesh is a successful businessman, which Republicans usually love, but oy vey, there’s just something about him that we don’t see conservative voters getting behind. Can’t quite put our finger on it, but we feel like Republicans would be kvetching left and right if this guy was the nominee. He’s certainly got the chutzpah to schlep his way up the polls but something just tells us the whole campaign would eventually plotz. Okay, we’ll stop beating around the bush — it’s his interracial relationships.
Furio is a foreigner, and while conservatives don’t actually give a damn about the rules they’re too fresh off the heels of “Show us the birth certificate!” to get behind him. Maybe in 2028 Furio.
Anthony’s scrupleless attitude toward murder-for-hire shows the right attitude, but most Republicans will find his penchant for massages uncomfortable.
Sure he’s got the whole exclusive country club vibe going for him, but Cusamano is just too scared to get his hands dirty. Do you think he still has that package Tony gave him?
Carmela once bullied Jeannie into getting her daughter a recommendation letter using only a casserole. She doesn’t have what it takes.
We could see her gaining momentum as a sort of “conservative answer to AOC” candidate, but just like in her life, once it gets out there where she’s been and who she’s been meeting with, it would be her undoing.
Historically the GOP loves a pious hypocrite and always will, but today’s religious right is a little less catholic and a little more Southern snake charmer.
Probably a long shot considering he only appeared once and had no lines, but never underestimate the machiavellian climbing capacity of Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Eugene does way too much actual work to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate.
Drug use and schmoozing with the Hollywood elite are just about the only two crimes conservatives won’t look past, and Chrissy done ’em both. If it weren’t for those two things, nothing we’ve seen Chrissy do or say would bar him from Republican candidacy.
Gloria is a little too unpredictable to make a viable political candidate, but she does have the look and unhinged temperament of a Fox anchor.
The guy could write a good speech, but it’s all or nothing with J.T. He owes a lot of money to a lot of dangerous people and one false move it all comes down like a house of cards.
Conservative voters are turned off by the educated “elite,” but Dr. Kupferberg transcends that due to his resemblance to Peter Bogdonavich, a face boomers recognize from a thing they’ve seen.
Even if Samantha were actually around, chances are she’d be too preoccupied with the whole situation of her own father voluntarily offering her up to our Alien Overlords. She would be in no mental state to participate in any mosh pits, let alone crowd-killing. Being a literal abductee, while tragic, gives her the perfect alibi in this case.
When Clyde Bruckman was among the living, he had the psychic ability to tell people when and how they were going to die in that motherfucking pit. Obviously he’s not even on the radar with this case. Still, we could have used his help on this one. Rest In Power, Bruckman. You would have loved Militarie Gun.
It’s highly likely that John Fitzgerald Byers can’t even name a singular band, much less participate in one of their shows. It should also be noted that he sacrificed his own life along with the other members of the Lone Gunmen to save humanity. Not really crowd-killing behavior if you ask us.
Melvin definitely looks like he would have been a total shit-kicker, but this ain’t our guy. When he wasn’t awkwardly flirting with and making grand romantic gestures toward Scully, he was seen helping Mulder break into multiple highly secured buildings. Where would he have even found the time to ruin everyone’s nights at multiple basement shows?
Forced into a life of hiding after being horrifyingly disfigured to the point of non-recognition does not really seem to be conducive to a thriving, violent nightlife. This is without mentioning that he also spent the majority of his life recovering from various alien tests and experiments.
Henry Weems is cursed with unnaturally good luck and is seemingly incapable of being harmed. You wouldn’t think twice if you heard he had been banned from every DIY space in a 200-mile radius for aggressive moshing. We’re pretty sure he’s too haunted by his gifts to enjoy them, though.
Had Deep Throat not been assassinated early in the series, he’d either lead us directly to the perp or give us several vague clues suggesting that the real ‘crowd killer’ is actually an elaborate government hoax. His cryptic messages would also suggest that all hardcore bands are actually Deep State plants designed to keep the youth too preoccupied with broken noses to learn the truth.
X could very well rank higher, but we’re pretty sure he’s in Witness Protection according to multiple nerdy fan theories. If you’re constantly in danger of being 86’d for the information you hold, it’s not likely you’d be popping off knuckles at a Drain show or some shit. He’s way too smart for that.
We’ve seen Richard in a D.O.A shirt before, so he seems to be a likely candidate, but it’s just not plausible that he would violently hack into the mainframe of the pit like that. His code of honor and loyalty to the cause wouldn’t allow for something as frowned upon in the scene as crowd killing.
While Augustus Cole was part of a military experiment that dulled fear and heightened aggression by creating a constant waking state in soldiers, his religious beliefs would likely prevent him from moshing at all, let alone intentionally causing harm.
Though many were quick to pin multiple murders on the Great Mutato, he’s just a weird dude who wants to be loved and go to Cher concerts. We’ve never been to one of her shows, but we’re pretty sure the pit is probably too tame to get away with throwing elbows.
In addition to being the boot-licking, ladder-climbing Deputy Director of the FBI who almost got Fox Mulder killed on several occasions, he’s also just kind of a dick. We doubt he’s a serial crowd-killer, but he definitely seems like the type to go to a DIY space, start some massive shit in the pit, and then use it as leverage for several police raids of the venue.
Chester has the eyes of someone who would probably have a razor blade hidden in the toe of his Doc Martens, but keen observers will note that his shadow actually committed most of the fuckery. Plus, that thing disintegrated people, which doesn’t match our field reports.
Bill Mulder certainly was a ruthless son of a bitch, having willingly given his only daughter to literal aliens, but it’s not likely he’s been edging out the pit given his alleged assassination. Even if he were alive, he’d be too old and guilt-ridden to get that rowdy at a show.
Walter Skinner is certainly as bald as we assume most crowd killers are, but he’s also a no-nonsense guy. If Skinner were in the pit he’d absolutely drop a crowd-killing asshole without hesitation. We bet he’s the type of dude that stands cross-armed in the back mouthing ‘try me, motherfucker’ throughout the whole set.
The much-maligned replacement after Fox Mulder’s disappearance in Season 9 definitely feels like an easy target. When we look back, though, we can’t remember why we hated him so much. He’s just like… a normal guy trying his best. In fact, he probably thinks crowd-killing is just as stupid as we do. Still, we’re not ready to fully trust him just yet.
While we do think that Reyes would have the tenacity and follow-through to kick some fucking faces in unprovoked, we’re not sure she’d focus her energy quite in that manner. She has too much on her plate defending her position within the canon.
Guy Mann was pretty devastated when his shape-shifting nature turned him into a dull-ass human being. He was so distraught he hired a witch to help him crowd kill himself. Still, the jury is out on his lizard form, as that iteration looks like it’s probably stabbed a crowd surfer in the back once or maybe even three times.
Bat Thing is either a man turned into a bat, or vice versa. He is essentially the Pete Wentz of “The X-Files.” He’s probably kneed a few people in the groin, but we doubt it was intentional. Just over excited Bat Thing stuff, we suspect.
Due to some supernatural incident that isn’t entirely explained on the show, Martin Wells is perpetually moving backwards through time. It’s completely possible for him to run a windmill over half the crowd and just go back to yesterday and forget about it ever happening. It’s still unlikely, however, as he mostly used his peculiar quandary to right previous wrongs.
Phyllis Paddock is a literal murderer who keeps her victims’ body parts in her desk. She also has a penchant for targeting those she deems as Satanists. She has literally killed crowds via telepathy. We’re pretty sure she can’t mosh, though.