Opinion: Yes I’m High, but That’s Not Why I’m Naked and Sweating

Posted on by Ramona Apthorp

It would indeed be astute of you to point out that I am naked, sweaty, and on drugs. However, I can assure you that these facts are most definitely not connected.

Why am I naked? Well, earlier in the day, I thought I saw Gary Busey at Corgi Beach Day, so I ran towards him. I’m a huge Point Break fan and he’s the only one in that movie whose autograph I don’t have yet. Anyway turns out it wasn’t Gary Busey, just a guy who looks a lot like Gary Busey and is sick and tired of hearing about it, apparently.

The false Busey started screaming at me saying that I was a disgrace to the spirit of Corgi Beach Day. All the yelling must have upset the corgis because a pack of about twelve of them started chasing me down the beach. I started to get a fairly good lead on them but they were pretty quick to catch up with me.

Did you know that a pack of Corgis is called a Rowdy? I know that because I was almost killed by a Rowdy. How cute is that?

One of the corgis latched on to my pant leg. That would be bad enough but one of the other dogs bit on to that first dog’s tail. All of the dogs did this and created a sort of dog chain. Then with the force of twelve corgis, those little pups worked together to yank the pants clean off my legs.

The only thing I managed to wrestle out of my pockets before the Corgis devoured them was all of my drugs. I consumed them immediately because I no longer had pockets to keep them in. It’s not a crime to be on drugs, right?

Oh the underwear? Well, previous to the incident, I was eating jello and someone asked me to help pick up their corgi’s massive poo. I didn’t want to throw the jello away, so I put the jello cup in my pocket. Well, I guess by the time the corgis latched onto my pants, the jello had leaked and formed a sort of sugary glue, acting as a bond between my pants and my thong. So when the dogs tugged, the underwear went with the pants right away.

The shirt was removed because I didn’t want to be Donald Ducking it. In for a penny in for a pound as they say.

Anyway, I’m stumbling down the boardwalk naked and sort of high when who do I see but my ex! The one who left me at the alter mind you! This is when the anxiety started to be coupled with anger. Large beads of sweat started to frame my entire body like shimmering Swarovski crystals. I was absolutely floored by this encounter. The anxiety started at my feet and went up to the top of my head like an old-timey thermometer.

My body suddenly surged with adrenalin so that I could either fight or take flight, but for some reason, I used it to shit myself and cry right in front of her.

Anyway, she got me an uber home and I grabbed a shower and now I’m jogging naked to blow off steam. Can I go now?

Guy You Ordered Record From Four Years Ago Blaming USPS Slowdown for Late Shipment

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local distro owner Andy Klein assured you today that the Pelican “Australasia” record on limited edition orange vinyl you ordered from him four years ago is in the mail and most likely delayed because of President Trump’s recent cuts to the postal service.

“Man, what a headache. As soon as I got the payment cleared I packed that thing up and marched it right down to the post office, probably,” said Klein. “I figured the record made it safely based on all the mentions and DM’s popping up on my socials, but clearly something went wrong. Fucking Trump, man — what a dick. Maybe all the mail-in ballots are fucking things up. I’d say maybe give it another 18-24 months before you email me again.”

Klein continued to give you the runaround despite your repeated check-ins.

“After three months I figured I should check in with the guy to see what’s up, and he told me he was going through a rough patch because his dog just died in a boating accident. Six months later, I checked again, and this time he said his dog got attacked by a cougar. I felt bad at first, but now I think he was feeding me a bunch of bullshit,” you said while staring at an empty turntable. “A few months back I asked if he could just refund me the money, and he claimed that since we don’t live in the same state it’d be illegal to transfer the money back to me, and that I just need to be patient. Now he’s blaming Louis DeJoy for a record I ordered before COVID-19 existed.”

Online sales experts say a lot of shady retailers are using the current USPS climate to rip off customers.

“Motherfucking pieces of shit. I ordered a ceramic jewelry dish off of Etsy last summer, and I just got an update, reading, ‘Due to the current limits on the postal service, all our orders are expected to be delivered by 2032,’” said consumer advocate Madi Willette. “The seller lives 90 minutes away from me. I swear I’m going to drive to their fucking house and smash every window I see until I get this fucking dish. My bracelets aren’t going to store themselves.”

At press time, Klein informed all past customers in a mass email that he would be forgoing all shipments in order to protest police violence.

Grandma Playing Super Mario 64 Can’t Get Past Part Where You Endlessly Pull Mario’s Cute Little Cheeks

Posted on by Peter Casciato

PEEKSKILL, N.Y. — Local grandma Meredith Blum has been stuck for two days on the opening screen of Super Mario 64, reportedly unable to complete the part where she can pull on Mario’s adorable, puffy cheeks.

“My gosh, isn’t he just scrumptious?” said Blum, entering her fourth straight hour of the opening screen. “I’m starting to understand why my grandkids spend all day on this thing. Video games are a blast! Golly I could just eat him all up.”

Despite the large blinking letters in the left hand corner saying “Press +,” Blum seemed unable to actually start the game, instead staring transfixed. 

“I don’t know if violent video games lead to real world violence,” Blum continued, “but this virtual cheek pulling will definitely lead to some real life action!”

Blum’s grandson, Jacob Haynes, said that he purchased the game for his grandma in the hopes that it would give her something to do. If she was occupied, he reasoned, he would have to visit less often. 

“Look I love my grandma, but I’m not sure how many more visits my cheeks can take. Once she gets her claws into you, it’s over.” Haynes explained. “I guess I’m happy that she’s having fun, but it’s a limited edition game, so I thought she’d at least play it. You see a lot of those gaming grandmas online — I think one was covered in the New York Times — so it’s not an age thing. Grandmas are capable, in theory, of gaming.”

At press time Blum had grown worried that Mario wasn’t eating enough. “I hope they’re feeding him over at Nintendo. He looks so thin! I wouldn’t have to worry so much if he could just find himself a nice Jewish mushroom girl, instead of that shiksa, Peach.”

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

Being funny is the hardest job in the world, which I am sure you’ve heard before, but it bears repeating. That’s why we put out this column every week to commend the brave efforts of all our readers who are willing to post on the internet of all unholy places in an attempt to make strangers laugh. Join us as we celebrate the heroic gladiators of the digital age.

5. Gamer needs to Gamify Playing Video Games In Order to Get Through Gaming

There’s no reason to be ashamed, Andrew, and in fact, I am glad to finally see someone taking gaming seriously. This is exactly why Steam logs your hours of gameplay, so you can regularly evaluate your productivity. If you’re playing games just to screw around, I suggest you find a new hobby. Gaming isn’t some sort of game.

4. YouTube Movie Critic Fails to Suspend Disbelief After Girlfriend Breaks Up With Him

Every relationship I’ve been in always has the same ending — it’s so boring. How about something new and original, like a girlfriend who always lets me pick what movies we watch, or one that doesn’t leave after I propose to her? Now that would be something I’d like to see. That’s something that would go viral on Letterboxd for once.

3. lol try me

Oh, you think that’s bad? I had a fight with my roommate last night and now I keep getting this pop up:

My plan right now is to drink all of our whiskey in order to raise my Charisma and try to smooth things over with him.

2. Wizard Casts ‘Mage Hand’ So It Feels Like Someone Else is Doing It

Don’t worry my minotaur friend, I have the solution for you: Unseen Servant is the superior spell for any adventurer seeking adult recreation. This servant can handle whatever weight you’re working with, is completely invisible for extra discreteness, and obeys mental commands to save you the effort. Mage Hand is like using a fleshlight, while Unseen Servant is like an automated sex doll. Work smarter, not harder.

1. Nintendo in Panic Mode After Microsoft Acquires Luigi

Buddy, that’s not how Halo Infinite ends.

That’s how it truly begins. 

I want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments, which make this column possible. They also make it possible for me to explain the best mechanics for masturbating in Dungeons and Dragons, which is morally ambiguous at best. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

 

5 Happy Hour Cocktails That Will Make Your Coworkers Say, “Chill, This Is a Business Lunch”

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Happy hours are an opportunity to get to know your coworkers, network, schmooze with the bosses, and impress all of the above with your fashionable, yet fun, drink order! Here are five happy hour cocktail ideas that will make everyone at your business lunch think, “Wow, things must not be going well at home.”

Old fashioned – A classic drink for a classic event, an Old Fashioned is the perfect selection to get this party started! We know these are delish, but try not to drink it too fast. You’ve still got four more drinks coming!

Long Island Iced Tea – Now we’re talking! And, now your coworkers are talking, because your words are slurring and you just stumbled on the way to the bathroom. They’re probably saying things like, “Maybe it’s money. Could they be in debt? Or have a gambling problem?” Time to prove ‘em all wrong by stepping it up on your next drink order.

Bad Decision – You came up with this one yourself. It’s four parts top-shelf vodka and one part drinking it with the head of HR at the table. You made sure to shout this to everyone while doing four shots of bottom-shelf vodka.

Look, Just Get Me A Fuckin’ Shot, Okay – You came up with this spicy little number of the fly as you walked up to the bartender. He looks less than charmed. You should probably get some coffee.

Entire Bottle of Jameson – Bar cut you off? No worries! You bring a bottle of Ireland’s finest everywhere you go. Your coworkers will remember you forever as the life of the party and the reason your office can’t have parties anymore.

Police Officer Shoots Toddler Who Got His Nose

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

CHICAGO — Chicago Police Sgt. Connor Ring is on paid administrative leave after he shot a toddler in the face for “getting his nose” at a child’s birthday party this past weekend.

“Let’s just call it what it is. Sgt. Ring acted in self-defense,” said Chicago Police Superintendent David Brown. “You might call it ‘getting his nose,’ but to me, and to the uniformed officers of the Chicago P.D., what that child did was attempt to assault Sgt. Ring, who took measures to prevent the situation from escalating further. We only have seconds to assess whether someone is a real threat, and I believe that in the case of this baby, Ring made the right decision.”

“Ring has a stellar track record of de-escalating difficult situations such as this one,” Brown added. “Last month he properly restrained a little league umpire after Ring’s son struck out, only breaking three of the umpire’s ribs. Clearly he understands when too far is too far.”

The slain toddler’s mother, Jamie Torres, does not share the Chicago P.D.’s position.

“Sgt. Ring stands over six feet tall, and he deemed my three year old a threat. He’s had object permanence for far longer than my child,” said Torres. “Because he couldn’t understand my son hadn’t really taken his nose, he screamed at him to ‘drop the nose’ and ‘put his hands where he can see them’ before he opened fire two seconds later.”

In the aftermath of the shooting, Chicago residents are divided over the P.D.’s actions.

“We’ve taken the Blue Lives Matter flag off of our porch,” said local dad and birthday party host Tim Jacobiski. “I know our officers have the hardest job in the world, but the kid hadn’t even learned to read yet. How was he supposed to know what to expect from an officer of the law? What Ring did was shameful. We will not be inviting him to any more functions at our house… for the next couple of months, at least.”

So far, Ring has received $37,500 and counting from a GoFundMe aimed at covering his legal fees.

Opinion: Come Over Here and Say That Shit

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

What did you just say to me? Why don’t you come over here and say that shit, mother fucker?! Yeah, I didn’t think you, so little bitch. I’m not afraid of you and your south mouth. I’ll wipe that fuckin’ smirk off your face. If you were literally five feet closer to me, I would end you. You are lucky my lady is right here or I would fuck you up. Yeah, not so mouthy now, are you?

Make your move, I dare you! I heard you talking shit about me, come say it to my face. This bar is quite noisy and perhaps I am an unreliable witness only hearing what I wanted to hear. So, step up and repeat yourself and make sure to enunciate before I drop you like a bag of dirt. Yeah, you ain’t coming over here. In fact, you are like Aristotle’s arrow, neither moving to where it is, nor to where it is not. Pussy ass bitch.

According to Zeno’s, you walk toward me half the distance at a time, you will never actually reach me. That Greek philosopher just saved your bitch ass. If it weren’t for that paradox, you would be bloody on the floor right now. Since you haven’t walked over here yet, you have been both knocked out and walked away like a little girl at the same time. You’re Schrodinger’s Bitch.

If we look at the distance between us in context of the distance from the Earth to the Sun we are basically already on top of one another but if it is measured in the distance between atoms we couldn’t be further from each other. In fact, you might not even be here, mother fucker. If you subscribe to the Solipsism school, which luck for your ass I do, I can only be sure that I exist.

I think, therefore I am… and I think you said some shit that is going to get you beat down.

Drummer Insists on Holding Entire Kit for Band Photo

Posted on by Tom Peters

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Drummer Aaron Kelmer delayed the photo shoot for his band Baskerville today by insisting on posing alongside bandmates while holding his entire drum kit, impatient witnesses at the scene confirmed.

“Why should I just hold my sticks?” said Kelmer while struggling to maintain his grip on the precariously stacked armful of drums, cymbals, and hardware. “By that logic, the guitarists should just hold their picks, and our singer should have a rolled up mic cord. Everybody else is posing with their instruments, and I’m not about to be left out. And I’m not talking about setting up a single snare in front of me; this isn’t fucking ‘Drumline.’ I’ve got a lot of quality pieces to show off. You think I bought these Vistalites for how they sound? Get real.”

Kelmer’s bandmates were disappointed, but not surprised.

“Honestly, it’s been the same mentality at practice,” said guitarist Warren Harris. “He has to touch each piece of his drum set at least once during every song. It’s like, no dude, you don’t have to incorporate the China cymbal into our whole set just to get your money’s worth. Every sound is a voice that colors a song with its own distinct personality. That’s why I just leave my whole pedal board on all the time.”

Others pointed out that competitive showmanship is common within a band dynamic.

“This actually happens a lot,” said professional event photographer Corrin Penarth. “Band dudes are worse than bridesmaids in terms of trying to outdo each other. I’ve tried suggesting other ways for [Kelmer] to signify that he plays drums — like holding up fingers to show that he’s counting to four, or taking his shirt off and sitting next to a giant fan — but nothing worked. I don’t even understand why bands want to pose with their gear in pictures. What story are we trying to tell? That the van broke down and you all decided to get out and jam in this cornfield? Just get a cool logo.”

At press time, the photo session was further delayed as band members left to retrieve their amp stacks.

Photo by Cory Cousins.

Nintendo Direct Leaves Gamer Excited About 14 Games He Won’t Buy When They Come Out

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TUCSON, Ariz. —  A recent installment of Nintendo’s Direct series of videos showcasing upcoming software coming to their platform has one gamer particularly elated about the impending release of more than a dozen games that he will not buy once they hit the marketplace.

“Wow, did you see all that? What a great year for gaming this is,” said Zack Duran, who has not purchased a new game for his Switch since this April. “It’s overwhelming, like I don’t know what I’m more excited for, that remake of a game I never played as a kid, or that one where you go to an island and do stuff!”

Duran, who has 200 hours logged in Skyrim and is nearing the completion of his third playthrough of Stardew Valley, reportedly tracked down most of the titles previewed in the Direct and added them to his eShop wishlist, expanding the number of titles to over 300. 

“I don’t know why he does this,” said Erin Duran, Zack’s wife. “Five or six times a year he gets all excited and starts shouting about some port or roguelike and saying ‘No fucking way,’ while feverishly typing to his buddies in Discord. But then, he just plays the same shit over and over, oftentimes while loudly complaining about it. Does my husband like these video games? It’s getting harder to tell.” 

Duran’s proclivity for getting excited about games he will not purchase is falling exactly in line with what many allege are Nintendo’s strategies towards this generation of gaming. 

“Let’s face it, the Switch is not competing with the more powerful home consoles, and it isn’t trying to,” said Mai Lowry, a games journalist. “What Nintendo has opted for instead is a massive catalog of indie hits, revived favorites, and exciting first person titles that a lot of gamers are very excited to get around to playing, one day, maybe!” 

As of press time, Duran had grown livid over the Direct’s surprise reveal of Funky Kong coming to Smash Bros., despite not owning the game.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Amazon’s Luna Threatens to Put Final Nail in Mom and Pop Cloud Based Gaming Services

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAND LAKE, Mich. — Amazon surprised the world today with its announcement of Luna, the cloud based gaming service expected to be the final blow to mom and pop cloud based gaming services all over the country. 

“Not sure we can compete with these big corporate streaming services,” said Doug Mortimer, who’s a second generation business owner in the village of Sand Lake. “My daddy started the first internet cafe in the county twenty years ago. To this day his hands are stained from printer ink. Since I inherited the business I took us online, offering a handful of games people in the community could stream if they wanted too. Nothing too fancy, but I think it was an honest day’s gaming for a man and his family. Not sure how long I can compete though, I’m afraid.” 

Mortimer fears that his small business, ‘Mortimer’s Cloud Gaming & Pest Control,’ will soon have to drop the gaming based part of his business altogether, as local users of Mortimer’s streaming service have begrudgingly admitted they’re likely to change services once the Luna becomes available. 

“A year or two ago I didn’t mind giving Doug 20 bucks a month so that I could remote connect to his hard drive and play his PC games when I felt like it,” said George Eastwood, a neighbor of Mortimer’s. “But if Amazon is gonna undercut Doug, offer a ton more games, and let me use any old Bluetooth controller I have laying around? I just can’t afford not to switch. Sorry, Doug. At least he’s still got his pest control business.” 

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has denied that his company’s entry into the gaming world will put independent streaming services at an unfair disadvantage. 

“If these companies were able to survive the absolute juggernaut that Stadia was when it launched last year, then why can’t they survive the Luna?” he said, of Google’s wildly successful streaming service that took the video game world by storm 10 months ago. “And frankly, we think there’s enough demand for confusing streaming services that pose no palpable advantage to consoles or PC’s that there’s room for all of us to succeed.” 

As of press time, Amazon has announced that its drivers will soon begin offering pest control services.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

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