Plans To Definitely Get Together Soon Now In Ninth Year

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — College friends Aisha Brooks and Jason Haley promised to get together soon yet again today, just as they had for the past nine years, following a chance encounter at a local grocery store, eavesdropping witnesses confirmed.

“It was so good to run into Jason today — I keep meaning to plan a happy hour or dinner with him and his wife sometime soon,” reported Brooks, whose excuses over the years have ranged from “busy with work” to “not feeling well tonight.” “It’s just been tough to hammer things down. We both have active schedules ever since I started writing on Medium, and I think he got a cat. Plus, he’s living out in the suburbs now… but I definitely think once the pandemic is over, we’ll definitely figure something out.”

Haley confirmed Brooks’s recollection of mutual, empty promises.

“Aisha and I were super close for a long time — I was always there for her when some guy jerked her around. I would definitely like to connect again, I just keep having last minute shit come up and have to cancel,” concurred Haley, who said during the encounter that he was “too busy to grab coffee today” and immediately returned home from the store. “We were supposed to meet last summer to see Deerhunter, but I just was too wiped to drive all the way to the city and back home on a Monday. And we tried to get together just before the pandemic, but she said she had already changed into her pajamas and was probably in for the night. Hopefully, we can get together soon!”

Experts note that as people enter their 30s, there’s a documented uptick in “creative flakiness.”

“Older millennials place more value on having a few close friends rather than a large group of friends, so the two constantly blowing each other off is pretty typical,” noted social psychologist Dr. Amber Dawson. “In this case, there may not be any ill-will these two have towards each other: it’s just that going out these days requires a lot of work and effort, and most of us have had a really long day, okay? As such, we often find ourselves making empty promises to hang out in an effort to spare each other’s feelings.”

Experts predict the next time the two will interact will be when Haley comes up with a bullshit excuse to skip Brooks’s wedding.

Metal Singer Just Diagnosed with Obscure Terminal Disease Thinks That Would Be a Pretty Sick Song Title

Posted on by Michael Luis

CLEVELAND — Engorged Pustule singer Alec Matthewson, recently diagnosed with a debilitating, deadly illness known as spinocerebellar ataxia, realized today that the disease name would make a great song title, bewildered hospital staff confirmed.

“When my doctor told me about spinocerebellar ataxia, right away I thought of super gnarly lyrics about ripping out a spine and replacing it with bags of pus and maggots,” said Matthewson. “And when she said stuff like ‘degenerative’ and ‘incurable,’ I just kept thinking about how it sounds like something a fucked up alien would drill into your brain while probing you with burning logs from a tree made of bones.”

Physician Dr. Jamela Dawkins hadn’t ever seen a reaction like Matthewson’s.

“Telling someone that they will soon pass away is one of the hardest parts of being a doctor — we like to make sure they’re comfortable, and that they have loved ones with them for support,” said Dr. Dawkins. “But Mr. Matthewson thanked me for curing his ‘writer’s block,’ which I had to explain to him wasn’t a medical condition. Every symptom I mentioned, he just gave me that heavy metal hand gesture. I’m sorry if this comes off as crass, but his internal organs are in the condition of someone who’s been drinking battery acid… which also seemed to excite him. Wherever you can find silver linings, take them, I suppose.”

Matthewson’s bandmates assure that this level of optimism is standard for the singer.

“Alec’s a half-glass-full kind of guy… especially when that glass has whisky and paint thinner, which is his favorite drink,” said bassist Darren McManus. “When we were on tour and hit a deer, it was his idea to eat the venison. And then when he got stomach worms from it, it was his idea to name our new album ‘Parasitic Roundworm.’ He’s probably going to come up with a two-disc concept album from this disease. But judging by the prognosis, he’ll also probably die before the end of the week.”

Matthewson has also encouraged his bandmates to book doctor’s appointments, certain that his drummer’s mouth fungus is “good for one song, at the very least.”

If We Defund the Police They Won’t Have Money To Pay Wrongful Death Lawsuits To All Those Families

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Cops suck. There’s no question about that. I’m not a dumbass boot licker. However, I don’t know if we should be calling for the police to be defunded. I mean, I get the sentiment but I don’t believe it’s going to fix the problem.

These assholes aren’t going to stop killing people. Especially if they’re making less money. In fact, I’m worried that making less money will incentivize them to kill even more. This would be a real problem because they wouldn’t have anything left in the budget to keep paying all the families in the wrongful death lawsuits.

People who want to kill people and are too stupid for the army are always going to exist. That’s part of why we have police in the first place! At least this way there is a system in place to ensure that families are somewhat compensated.

This country obviously doesn’t care enough to end police violence so the only form of justice the families of these victims can expect in this country is cold hard cash. Sure, they’ll never be able to hold or even talk to their loved one ever again but that’s so much easier to cope with when you can buy yourself something nice.

We need to stop focusing on the fact that there is a system in place that uses our tax dollars to pay people who can pull you out of your car or bust down your front door in the middle of the night to kill you for no reason without consequence and start focusing on how big the payout for that murder is going to be for our families.

Just think of it like the hunger games! You or one of your family members is selected to be sacrificed to our capitalist overlords and in return, your family gets a fat payout and moves up a wealth class.

Again, I’m not saying I support this system. It’s really fucked up. But, as long as there are police, there will be cold-blooded murders by them. We can’t risk cutting their funds because the big post-execution payout is the best we’re gonna get.

Report: Drum Kit Belongs to That Huge Spider Now

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

MANKATO, Minn. — Speedwolf drummer Levi Daniels abandoned his Tama Swingstar kit and assorted hardware yesterday to a “pants-shittingly” large spider spotted on the snare drum, visibly squirming sources confirmed.

“Since we can’t play any live shows, we’ve been slacking on rehearsing… and the spider took advantage of our laziness and basically claimed the entire kit for itself by spinning an elaborate web of death that I don’t plan on falling victim to. I’m just not that metal,” said Daniels, with his closed-face skull hoodie fully zipped. “I was already planning on selling that kit anyway. Maybe I can claim it as a charitable donation on my tax forms or something. I suggested to the other guys in the band that we pack up what we can and try to rebuild in a new practice space, just to be safe.”

Guitarist Zig Stantz believes it falls to Daniels to deal with the spider, rather than relocate and buy a whole new set of drums.

“There’s a pulsating egg sac covered in spines on the double kick pedal that looks like it’s ready to explode evil, eight-legged beasts all over the place,” Stantz said as he clutched a can of hairspray and a barbecue lighter. “I understand why Levi is being such a puss — the spider itself has markings that look like an epitaph in a forgotten language. I’m pretty sure none of us even have the power to kill it. I firmly believe this spider was sent from hell.”

Arachnologist Dr. Joelle Tableton confirms the spider is known to science, but has yet to be properly studied and classified.

“None of us will fucking go near it,” said Tableton from a distance. “We know it builds its webs exclusively on ‘metal’ gear, like drums with more hardware than necessary, or guitars at least as obnoxious as a Flying V or Explorer. It has to eat something, but all it seems to take in is carbon monoxide and irradiated lead. To this point, we’ve been unable to collect any further data. For me, when I get within six feet of it, I can hear my dead mother screaming.”

“My official recommendation is that the house be abandoned and exorcised,” she added. “The band should begin auditioning new drummers.”

Since discovery, researchers were flocking to church in search of hope, while Speedwolf was creating a crowdsourcing page to fund their upcoming acoustic EP.

Conversation With White Relatives About Systematic Racism Needs More Dialogue Options

Posted on by Rachel Clayton

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local college student Sara Withers complained about a lack of good dialogue options when speaking to her parents about the continued oppression of racial minorities in America.

“I start out with ‘the Founding Fathers were white supremacists’ or ‘America’s schools are still segregated,’ assuming those statements would be the beginning of a full dialogue tree,” said Withers after a Zoom call with her family. “But no matter what I say, they always answer with the same canned line about gun violence in Chicago. It’s so unnatural. Totally breaks the immersion.”

In addition to the limited responses, Withers also complained of moments when the conversation would “glitch out” and end up on a different topic completely.

“My parents were mad about NFL players protesting, saying it was disrespecting the troops,” said Withers. “I tried to tell them about police brutality, but then something weird happened, and all of a sudden they were talking about how America wasn’t the only country that ever had slaves. What kind of person would say something like that? Shit is totally broken.”

After waiting several years for a patch, Withers eventually gave up and started trying to pave over the issue with mental roleplaying.

“Usually if a video game character has shitty dialogue, I come up with a headcanon where they’re really a space alien in disguise or something,” said Withers. “In the case of my parents, I imagine that they’re good people who just don’t know any better. It’s a little fantastical, but it’s better than having to confront that I was raised by deeply racist people who stay ignorant on purpose.”

When reached for comment for this article, parents Phil and Jane Withers immediately turned hostile, permanently locking all further dialogue options, whatever they might have been.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Podcaster Undergoes Risky Surgery to be Able to Naturally Speak at 1.5x Speed

Posted on by John Dixon

SANDY, Utah — Local podcast host James Brandt recently underwent a risky surgery to speed up his voice to 1.5x its speed in an attempt to gain an edge over his competition. 

“The thought behind the procedure is a simple one,” Brandt said, at one and a half times the speed of normal speech. “A lot of people already listen to their podcasts at 1.5x speed, so if I can go ahead and speed things up for them, that will draw them to my show, ‘Stuff You Wish You Could Forget.’ The procedure itself was designed to make my vocal cords vibrate faster to make 1.5x speed my normal speed, so I can maintain consistency and pace even during grueling multi hour recording sessions.”

Mick Ghortner, Brandt’s creative collaborator and frequent guest, was less optimistic about the impact Brandt’s enhanced elocution would have on recording and listenership. 

“Do you have any idea how fucking unsettling it’s going to be to listen to a normal voice try to converse and keep up with someone talking at 1.5x speed at all times?” Ghortner asked. “And it’s even worse in person; it’s just fast enough to be eerie but not quite fast enough to be obviously fake.”

“Not to mention if a listener tried to speed up the show to make up for the disparity, they’d just be faced with a 1.5x voice trying to keep up with one going like four and a half times faster than normal,” he added.

Dr. Julius Macleod, the surgeon who performed the procedure on Brandt, views the podcaster as the vanguard of a new wave in the industry. 

“Maybe some people would find it unethical to stretch and tighten a man’s vocal cords so he can speak faster for his biweekly internet radio show,” he said. “But I believe the paradigm shift this will bring about will represent a net gain for society. Think of how much more free time we will all have to do something other than listen to podcasts when this procedure becomes industry standard.”

At press time, Brandt was proving Macleod’s thesis by using his newfound speed and free time between recordings to branch out, accepting an invitation to become the new Micro Machines Man.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Podcast’s First Episode Oscillates Between Being Inaudible, Blowing Ears Out

Posted on by John Danek

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — A new podcast by an Indiana University-Bloomington sophomore created to discuss emerging math rock bands abruptly switches between being so quiet as to be hardly audible and punishingly loud, frustrated listeners report.

“I hope to shine a light on the most exciting underground bands coming out of Asia, the U.S., and elsewhere, but I’ve only received 1-star reviews on iTunes,” said “Triple Integral Pod” host Marie Spitz, whose own math rock band Buttsack is scheduled to play the student union later this month. “I don’t know… maybe there was something wrong with the audio file? But I can’t check — anytime I hear my own voice, I literally vomit. Every single time. Pure bile.”

Strangely, the “Triple Integral Pod” producer seemed oblivious to any potential audio issues with the pilot episode of the new show.

“YEAH, I’VE PLAYED IN AND PRODUCED VARIOUS POWERVIOLENCE AND BLACK METAL BANDS THROUGHOUT ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL, SO PRODUCING AND MIXING A PODCAST IS ACTUALLY MUCH SIMPLER,” shouted Willie Duran, who has an ominous “Earplugs Are for Pussies” tattoo on his forearm. “TO BE HONEST, I CAN’T HEAR ALL THAT WELL, BUT I HAVE SOME SWEET MASTERING PLUGIN PRESETS LOADED ON ALL THEIR VOICES, SO THIS SHOW SHOULD SOUND PRO QUALITY. WHAT? DID YOU ASK ANOTHER QUESTION?”

Ear, nose, and throat doctors are noticing an alarming rise in appointments to alleviate symptoms from varying podcast volume extremes.

“Usually, new podcast hosts have no idea how to configure a microphone, so the listener has to crank the volume on their end. But a few minutes in, some awful punk theme song comes in at full volume, and ear damage is done before the victim can reduce the volume again,” explained otolaryngologist Dr. Ann Ulrich. “The tragedy is that most of these podcasts are abandoned after three episodes anyways, but the damage is irreversible. Please, for the health of the people, don’t start a podcast.”

In an effort to grow the “Triple Integral Pod” community and hopefully boost reviews, Spitz has created a private Facebook group for listeners, which currently only consists of Spitz and her Aunt Beverly, who is currently banned from posting after sharing the most racist memes ever seen on the internet.

“A Week Tonight” Replaces “Last Week Tonight” as Quarantined John Oliver Loses Grip on Time

Posted on by Daniel Menegaz

NEW YORK — HBO replaced its popular late night talk-show “Last Week Tonight” with “A Week Tonight” following a deterioration of host John Oliver’s ability to grasp the concept of time while in quarantine, sources reported Thursday, or possibly Friday, nobody can confirm.

“Early in quarantine, John would be late to online meetings or ask what day of the week it was. But around June, the whole writers room could tell he was really slipping,” said executive producer Tim Carvell. “He started asking when Jon Stewart was going to return from filming ‘Rosewater,’ like he was still subbing on ‘The Daily Show.’ But that was seven years ago.”

While the content of the temporally stranded British comedian’s show has seen a shift towards the incomprehensible, its format has remained largely unchanged.

“Welcome, welcome, welcome to ‘Last Week Tonight.’ I’m your host, John Oliver. Thank you so much for joining us in this blank white void, which I have been trapped in for approximately… three years, eight months, and 21 days,” said Oliver, scratching his 995th tally mark into the canvas backdrop behind him with the sharpened end of a wooden spoon. “Let’s jump straight into our main story this week: the ongoing religious violence sweeping across Europe in the wake of Prague’s 3rd defenestration since 1419, barely 200 years ago. To commemorate that, this episode’s big fun ending thing is, I will jump out a window. Who said that? What year is it?”

However, an HBO spokesperson noted Oliver’s ratings have remained steady since the mental breakdown/format retooling.

“We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: HBO does not give two fucks what John Oliver does, as long as his show keeps raking in truckloads of Emmys. He could spend 28 minutes defending the photorealistic ‘Lion King’ remake, and Democratic Twitter would elevate that sack of shit to cult classic status. So what if he wants to rage against Maximilien Robespierre or recap the 1875 Whiskey Ring Scandal as if it just happened yesterday or whatever?”

Tentative plans for a new show in which Oliver recounts future events, titled “Next Week Tonight,” have stalled after Oliver was found nearly drowned in a DIY precognition bath of cow’s milk and cornstarch.

U.S. Military Considers Dropping Gender Reveal Bombs in Middle East

Posted on by Jay Shingle

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense began compiling a report this week aimed at assessing the viability of gender reveal “bombs” as effective weapons in ongoing U.S. military efforts in the Middle East.

“I was astounded to see the impact made by a simple gender reveal device,” said Lennox Coby, a National Defense Strategy analyst with the Department. “In just two days, the reveal managed to destroy nearly 9,000 acres with only 7% containment. These kinds of numbers are unheard of from such a simple gadget on our battlefields abroad, so it’s definitely something to look into. Plus, they come in pink and blue, which is super fun.”

The couple identified as detonating the device and triggering the fire, Helen & James Gwendoline, initially figured they would forever live in regret for the destruction they caused, but are embracing what they see as a “bright side.”

“While we are very ashamed of the fire we caused here at home, we choose to find the silver lining in this,” Helen Gwendoline stated. “We’re very pleased that our gender reveal bomb is being considered by our armed forces; we are blindly supportive of our military and want to help the U.S. do whatever it does abroad. James and I hope that the courts will show us some mercy since we pioneered a new technique, and come from extremely white families on both sides.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, many are baffled and even enraged by the Department’s move.

“To think that this gender reveal fiasco is anything but a travesty is insane to me,” said anti-war activist Paula Robi, as she stapled flyers calling for an end to gender reveal parties to telephone poles. “It’s 2020 — we should be over the gender binary by now, and our military, if it’s going to exist, should also reflect that sentiment with gender neutral weaponry.”

The Department’s program will include the testing of these devices for potential impact, as well as allow soldiers who are expecting babies to detonate the devices themselves, giving them the opportunity to do gender reveals far from home without any responsibility for the consequences.

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