Being funny is the hardest job in the world, which I am sure you’ve heard before, but it bears repeating. That’s why we put out this column every week to commend the brave efforts of all our readers who are willing to post on the internet of all unholy places in an attempt to make strangers laugh. Join us as we celebrate the heroic gladiators of the digital age.
There’s no reason to be ashamed, Andrew, and in fact, I am glad to finally see someone taking gaming seriously. This is exactly why Steam logs your hours of gameplay, so you can regularly evaluate your productivity. If you’re playing games just to screw around, I suggest you find a new hobby. Gaming isn’t some sort of game.
Every relationship I’ve been in always has the same ending — it’s so boring. How about something new and original, like a girlfriend who always lets me pick what movies we watch, or one that doesn’t leave after I propose to her? Now that would be something I’d like to see. That’s something that would go viral on Letterboxd for once.
Oh, you think that’s bad? I had a fight with my roommate last night and now I keep getting this pop up:
My plan right now is to drink all of our whiskey in order to raise my Charisma and try to smooth things over with him.
Don’t worry my minotaur friend, I have the solution for you: Unseen Servant is the superior spell for any adventurer seeking adult recreation. This servant can handle whatever weight you’re working with, is completely invisible for extra discreteness, and obeys mental commands to save you the effort. Mage Hand is like using a fleshlight, while Unseen Servant is like an automated sex doll. Work smarter, not harder.
Buddy, that’s not how Halo Infinite ends.
That’s how it truly begins.
I want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments, which make this column possible. They also make it possible for me to explain the best mechanics for masturbating in Dungeons and Dragons, which is morally ambiguous at best. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!