Amazon’s Luna Threatens to Put Final Nail in Mom and Pop Cloud Based Gaming Services

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAND LAKE, Mich. — Amazon surprised the world today with its announcement of Luna, the cloud based gaming service expected to be the final blow to mom and pop cloud based gaming services all over the country. 

“Not sure we can compete with these big corporate streaming services,” said Doug Mortimer, who’s a second generation business owner in the village of Sand Lake. “My daddy started the first internet cafe in the county twenty years ago. To this day his hands are stained from printer ink. Since I inherited the business I took us online, offering a handful of games people in the community could stream if they wanted too. Nothing too fancy, but I think it was an honest day’s gaming for a man and his family. Not sure how long I can compete though, I’m afraid.” 

Mortimer fears that his small business, ‘Mortimer’s Cloud Gaming & Pest Control,’ will soon have to drop the gaming based part of his business altogether, as local users of Mortimer’s streaming service have begrudgingly admitted they’re likely to change services once the Luna becomes available. 

“A year or two ago I didn’t mind giving Doug 20 bucks a month so that I could remote connect to his hard drive and play his PC games when I felt like it,” said George Eastwood, a neighbor of Mortimer’s. “But if Amazon is gonna undercut Doug, offer a ton more games, and let me use any old Bluetooth controller I have laying around? I just can’t afford not to switch. Sorry, Doug. At least he’s still got his pest control business.” 

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has denied that his company’s entry into the gaming world will put independent streaming services at an unfair disadvantage. 

“If these companies were able to survive the absolute juggernaut that Stadia was when it launched last year, then why can’t they survive the Luna?” he said, of Google’s wildly successful streaming service that took the video game world by storm 10 months ago. “And frankly, we think there’s enough demand for confusing streaming services that pose no palpable advantage to consoles or PC’s that there’s room for all of us to succeed.” 

As of press time, Amazon has announced that its drivers will soon begin offering pest control services.

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Psychologists Warn 1 in 10 Crewmates Could Develop Impostor Syndrome

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Researchers at Columbia University have published a paper which warns that roughly 10% of all spaceship crewmates could develop impostor syndrome.

“It’s a very unfortunate thing. About one tenth of crewmates on any given spaceship fears that they don’t deserve their position — that they’re a talentless fraud and will be discovered sooner than later. The even more unfortunate thing is that they’re right and they’re actually a murderous alien,” said head psychologist Dr. Maria Robertson. “Signs of impostor syndrome among crewmates include not being able to complete simple tasks, utilizing vents instead of just walking to destinations, and murdering other crewmates. These people sadly have impostor syndrome because they are indeed impostors. And if the crewmates work together to solve that, they will murder that impostor.”

Upon hearing the news, various crewmates confirmed that they have experienced impostor syndrome while murdering others.

“I’m constantly afraid that someone’s gonna figure out that I’m not actually good enough to be a crewmate,” said a small blue man who wished to remain anonymous. “That’s why when I’m feeling a tinge of impostor syndrome, I just put it on someone else. There’s nothing like shifting blame onto another person to make you feel better about your position in the workplace!

At press time, the research team was not available to comment when it was revealed that one of the psychologists was actually an alien and murdered all of the others.

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DVD Sales of ‘American History X’ Increase 750% Amid Xbox Series X Preorders

Posted on by Andy Holt

SEATTLE — The controversial 1998 crime film American History X experienced a 750% increase in DVD sales this week, as thousands of customers mistook it for Microsoft’s Xbox Series X video game console.

“I thought I had the right one, you know, with the X on it,” said local gamer Cassie Banks. “I didn’t realize my mistake until I got to the part where the Nazi guy was curb stomping a dude to death. I get that it’s supposed to be an unflinching look at racism in America, but at that point, I felt like it was fetishizing hatred to the point of glorifying it. That’s when I realized that I hadn’t bought a video game console at all, but rather a DVD of an old movie with Ed Norton in it.”

Online retailers apologized and promised full refunds for customers who had been duped.

“The confusion was understandable,” said a spokesperson for Amazon. “Lots of these people are parents just trying to buy an Xbox for their kids. They could easily get one of the words mixed up, navigate to the used items section, pay for overnight shipping, and end up watching a film that, while bold, ultimately falls short. Please accept our apologies.”

In addition to a refund for the cost of the film, several customers demanded restitution for having to watch the dad from Boy Meets World say a racial slur.

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We Look Back at Explosions in the Sky’s Best Toyota Commercials

Posted on by Josh Levinson

Throughout Explosion in the Sky’s fantastic commercial-ography, the Texas post-rock band has provided the soundtrack to some of the most stunning overhead views of Toyota automobiles.

Today, we look back at the very best of these commercials. Join us as we go off-roading in the mountains of corporate and artistic synergy.

5. Toyota Rav4

The gentle beginnings of EITS’ “First Breath from a Coma” are the perfect introduction to Toyota’s crossover SUV, the RAV4. The dueling guitars perfectly encapsulate the RAV4’s Direct Shift 8-Speed Electronically Controlled Automatic Transmission, as well as optional All-Wheel Drive.

4. Toyota Prius Prime

Explosions in the Sky’s “Postcard From 1952” is an excellent backdrop to introduce you to the affordable, gas-saving Toyota Prius Prime. As the drums kick in, you’ll always think of the Prius’ amazing 54 mpg, and as the song reaches its climax, you’ll know the Prius is available in seven briliant colors, including Supersonic Red.

3. Toyota Camry Hybrid

Explosions in the Sky’s “Remember Me As a Time of Day”” is the perfect match for the award-winning Toyota Camry. The sweeping majesty of Explosions in the Sky perfectly matched the Camry ripping up and down the countryside even though you’ve certainly never driven it anywhere that majestic. The emotionality of the song will give you hope that you can secure financing for a Blue Streak Metallic Camry, available at local Toyota dealerships now.

2. Toyota Tacoma

The rugged, 4-wheel drive Toyota Tacoma will get you out of any jam, including Explosion in the Sky’s “So Long, So Lonesome.” The piano work, atypical of EITS later work, perfectly complements the machined alloy wheels of the Tacoma’s powerful V6 engine and towing capability. Visit Toyota.com today to learn more.

1. Toyota Corolla

The one you’ve been waiting for. The classic Corolla driving across the countryside as Explosions in the Sky’s “Your Hand in Mine” gently plays in the background. What better way to celebrate all of our interconnectedness than to get 2020’s “Green Car of the Year”? This is the song that gets people into Toyota Corollas.

Punk with Health Insurance Really Overdoing It on the Stick-and-Pokes Lately

Posted on by James Knapp

ATHENS, Ga. — Punk and new health insurance policy holder Nolan Nowickski is reportedly “going a bit overboard” with the amount of stick-and-poke tattoos he’s inking on himself, disgusted yet impressed sources confirmed.

“I really love stick-and-pokes — they just feel so much more personal than having a tattoo done by a professional artist with tons of working experience and sanitary equipment,” said Nowickski while filling in a poorly stenciled Crass logo on his chest. “Sure, you run a higher risk of deadly blood infections, but now that I’m on my parents’ Gold Plan, I don’t have to worry about that. It’ll be well worth the emergency room copay once I finish this sick stick-and-poke on my neck of a bald eagle sucking its own dick.”

Close friend Liz Comers is concerned about both the quantity and quality of Nowickski’s new tattoos.

“It’s really great to see [Nowickski] is enthusiastic about something, and I really want to be supportive of his art… but health insurance or no, this all just seems reckless,” said Comers. “He ended up in the hospital for weeks last year when he got septicemia from that hourglass stick-and-poke he did on the bottom of his foot. I guess it’s kind of ironic, because the way he’s going, I don’t think he actually has much time left.”

Derrick Clark, a representative of health insurer Pale Green Cross, Inc., explained the company’s policy regarding stick-and-poke related insurance coverage.

“Our mission at PGC is to enable our policyholders to live their lives free of worry, which includes if they want to get a portrait of Ted Danson’s face carved into their asscheek with a heated ballpoint pen,” Clark explained. “Our official policy on stick-and-pokes is very generous, but not without its limitations — for instance, injuries related to Old Crow Medicine Show tattoos are only covered under our Executive Dumpster plan, and costs are only reimbursed if it can be proven it was done in order to get laid in a county fair portable toilet.”

At press time, Nowickski was attempting to shakily sketch an ACAB tattoo on his knuckles while in intensive care for the previously non-existent Hepatitis Q.

Help! Bono Won’t Give My Firstborn Back Unless I Guess His Real Name

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Uh-oh! Part-time U2 frontman and full-time mischievous goblin-creature Bono has kidnapped my firstborn son! The only way to get him back is to guess Bono’s real name. I knew I shouldn’t have asked him to turn all that straw into gold-framed sunglasses!

I only have three guesses left, and if I don’t guess correctly then my son will be turned into a 2014 iPhone 6 preloaded with U2’s “Songs of Innocence” forever! I had four guesses initially but used the first one to ask if his name was “Bono.” It was worth a try.

The only possible names I’ve come up with so far are “Bongo,” “Bimbo,” “Bungo,” “Berry,” and “The Edge.” I googled that last one and apparently someone else in U2 already has that name. What in the flying fuck is wrong with that band?

At one point I just straight up asked Bono what his real name was, since it technically wasn’t against the rules. He thought about it for a few moments but then turned to me and said “fuck you dude, that’s not how it works.” What a prick!!!

2020 has been a hard year, but it’s important for the world to come together and help me on this. Quarantine has already forced everyone to do nothing but eat chips and watch TV for eight hours a day, so why not spend one of those hours helping me brainstorm what Bono’s name could be?

If not for me, then do it for my sweet boy. He has so much to live for. Plus I fucking hate iPhones.

Wikipedia says Bono’s real name is Paul Hewson, but I’m not buying it. “Paul Hewson” sounds like the name of a white Japanese history professor or a 1980s softcore porn foley artist. I knew for sure it was bogus when I overhead Bono chanting “my real name is Paul Hewson” while dancing around a campfire. Yeah, not falling for that one.

Any and all help is appreciated. This whole situation is eerily similar to a fairy tale I heard back in elementary school. Can’t remember what it was called… something about a wrinkled foreskin?

Guy with Pavement Lyrics on Tinder Profile Looking for Obscure but Critically Acclaimed Relationship

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

CHICAGO — Local Pavement fan Nathan Matthews added Pavement lyrics to his Tinder profile yesterday, hoping to attract a woman with the same exact hyper-specific expectations for a relationship, sources close to the chronically single man confirmed.

“I just feel like I’m a little unlucky when it comes to love,” said Matthews while reorganizing his vinyl collection by spine color. “I want a relationship that’s cross-genre, hard to define, and impossible to explain why it’s good, but I know it’s special once I hear it… I mean, hear them. Like, you either get it, or you don’t. And what most women want is more straightforward and obvious, like a pop song with a predictable rhyme scheme and monosyllabic lyrics.”

“Though I guess I probably should stop texting the girls I’ve gone out with and asking them if I can make them a playlist,” he added.

Women who dated Matthews admit they didn’t quite realize what the quotes in his profile alluded to.

“I guess I just thought he was kind of a bad poet, which is fine. When I read, ‘And I’m asking you to hold me, just like the morning paper,’ and, ‘If I could settle down, then I would settle down,’ I had no clue those were lyrics, or that Pavement was a band,” said Alexandra Caplan, who went mini golfing with Matthews last fall. “Nate always said he wanted a relationship that wasn’t necessarily appreciated in its own time, but would later be regarded as massively influential. Whatever that means.”

Respected music critic Jen Murphy says it’s not uncommon for some men to rate and review their partnerships, much like she does with new albums at her job.

“I’ve gotten some weird emails in my line of work, but none weirder than the ones I get from Pavement fans asking me for my review rubric and claiming that they just want their relationship to be a perfect 10, like ‘Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain: LA’s Desert Origins,’ the remastered reissue of ‘Slanted & Enchanted: Luxe & Reduxe,’” said Murphy. “There’s only two pieces of advice I give to female rock critics: never cry at work, and create a special filter to route the emails you get from indie rock fans to your spam folder. Whatever these guys are looking for, I hope they find it.”

At press time, Matthews had reportedly updated his Tinder profile to say, “Honey, you’re a prize and I’m a catch and we’re a perfect match.”

Twitch Viewer Who Turned Off Stream’s Volume So He Could Do Work Now Just Watching in Silence

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local work-from-home employee Martin Rowe turned off the volume on the Twitch stream he was watching so that he could finish up some spreadsheets and is now reportedly just watching the stream in silence instead.

“I put on some Twitch in the background, TheGudDoctor playing Fall Guys, while I do some boring spreadsheets, but I ended up just watching the Twitch stream. Next thing I knew, it was 4pm and I still had jack shit done, so I muted the stream — still gotta support my boy as a viewer, of course. Now it’s 5:30 and I’ve watched an hour and a half of Fall Guys in complete silence. No spreadsheets finished. It’s the worst of both worlds.”

Coincidentally, due to a comment on stream, TheGudDoctor spent much of the time that Rowe had muted telling fans to not watch his stream if they need to be doing other things.

“Hey if you’re watching this stream instead of doing your day job, please close the tab right now!” said TheGudDoctor on his Fall Guys stream, despite Rowe not being able to hear the audio. “Sure, I may be grinding and hustling for crowns in Hex-A-Gone, but you need to be hustling and grinding for financial crowns to pay your rent. The gamer lifestyle does not begin and end in the world of video games — oh god FUCKING DAMN IT Fall Ball with an odd number!!”

At press time, Rowe managed to finish the spreadsheet while watching the stream with sound on, but sent the document to his boss without realizing he absentmindedly typed “thanks for the sub” in a cell, ruining a v-lookup.

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Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War Is First Game in Series to Feature Completely Destructible Economy

Posted on by Jordan Walkup

LOS ANGELES — As part of GamesCon 2020’s Opening Night Live event, Treyarch’s studio design director, David Vonderhaar, confirmed that Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will be the first game in the series to feature a completely destructible economy.

 “Whether it’s investing money in military research that will inevitably serve no purpose, or giving tax breaks to those who need them the least, Cold War truly puts you behind the wheel of America’s financial infrastructure,” said Vonderhaar about the inspiration behind this exciting new feature. “As long as the direction you are driving it is off the fiscal cliff.”

Industry analysts claimed the change may be jarring to some longtime fans.

“CoD players are accustomed to wasting in-game money on silly things, like painting a penis on a wall with gunpowder,” said games journalist Mya Zhang. “It’s nothing compared to blowing billions on whatever the fuck Ronald Reagan was doing when he nearly doubled the deficit.”

 “Some people may be critical of an FPS that takes place during a time where there was no armed conflict,” said Austen Wills, self-proclaimed Call of Duty superfan, “but what many people aren’t considering is: Sure, maybe we weren’t shooting at the Russians like we wish we were, but when you think about it, America’s foreign policy since the Cold War has killed way more people than any nuke ever could. It’s really just knowing that you’re doing right by President Reagan with every bullet that plunges into foreign flesh that just gives you that thrill.”

 While this new direction for Treyarch may alienate some FPS fans, experts predict Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will inevitably sell an absolutely incomprehensible number of copies just like every Call of Duty before it.

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Overwatered Houseplants Hoping Woman Goes Back to Work Soon

Posted on by Dom Turek

WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Kelly Cruz’s recent unemployment status has her overwatered houseplants praying she finds a job before she drowns them all, the drenched flora confirmed.

“COVID-19 layoffs can be a blessing in disguise,” said plant owner Cruz, dousing a golden barrel cactus with a drinking cup from her nightstand. “Without all this extra free time, I would’ve never discovered my green thumb. In pre-pandemic times, I was only watering these poor guys once every two weeks, but now that I’m home 24/7 they’ll never be thirsty again.”

Cruz’s plants, which mainly consist of succulents and cacti which only need need to be watered a few times a month and tend to thrive in arid, negligent spaces like doctors offices or someone’s dad’s house, noted they have yet to see their owner drink water once since she’s been home.

“I’m dying a slow death,” said a wilted snake plant from Cruz’s bathroom windowsill. “Between the humidity from her nightly depression baths and her twice-a-day watering regiment, I’m essentially being waterboarded, which I’m pretty sure signifies as cruel and unusual punishment. I’m not sure if plants are covered under the Geneva Convention, but I hope someone steps in before it’s too late. The least she could do is put me in a pot with a drainage hole.”

Overwatering has been a leading cause in plant deaths for decades, but experts warn the recent uptick could mean a regression back to the days of people buying mostly artificial plants by 2025.

“The death toll is unmanageable,” said Lewis Pittman, a leading horticulturist. “It feels like each day I see another unsalvageable English ivy or spider plant left out on the sidewalk with a ‘Free!’ sign taped to it — at least let it die with some dignity and give it a proper burial in a compost pile. Instead of overwatering, I suggest plant owners combat their crushing ennui with something less lethal, like latch hooking or online gambling.”

At press time, Cruz was converting a barely rinsed Windex bottle into a plant mister.

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