ATHENS, Ga. — Punk and new health insurance policy holder Nolan Nowickski is reportedly “going a bit overboard” with the amount of stick-and-poke tattoos he’s inking on himself, disgusted yet impressed sources confirmed.
“I really love stick-and-pokes — they just feel so much more personal than having a tattoo done by a professional artist with tons of working experience and sanitary equipment,” said Nowickski while filling in a poorly stenciled Crass logo on his chest. “Sure, you run a higher risk of deadly blood infections, but now that I’m on my parents’ Gold Plan, I don’t have to worry about that. It’ll be well worth the emergency room copay once I finish this sick stick-and-poke on my neck of a bald eagle sucking its own dick.”
Close friend Liz Comers is concerned about both the quantity and quality of Nowickski’s new tattoos.
“It’s really great to see [Nowickski] is enthusiastic about something, and I really want to be supportive of his art… but health insurance or no, this all just seems reckless,” said Comers. “He ended up in the hospital for weeks last year when he got septicemia from that hourglass stick-and-poke he did on the bottom of his foot. I guess it’s kind of ironic, because the way he’s going, I don’t think he actually has much time left.”
Derrick Clark, a representative of health insurer Pale Green Cross, Inc., explained the company’s policy regarding stick-and-poke related insurance coverage.
“Our mission at PGC is to enable our policyholders to live their lives free of worry, which includes if they want to get a portrait of Ted Danson’s face carved into their asscheek with a heated ballpoint pen,” Clark explained. “Our official policy on stick-and-pokes is very generous, but not without its limitations — for instance, injuries related to Old Crow Medicine Show tattoos are only covered under our Executive Dumpster plan, and costs are only reimbursed if it can be proven it was done in order to get laid in a county fair portable toilet.”
At press time, Nowickski was attempting to shakily sketch an ACAB tattoo on his knuckles while in intensive care for the previously non-existent Hepatitis Q.