Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Pretty Sure They Can’t Cancel Him if He Stays Completely Still

Posted on October 21, 2020 by John Merrifield

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local 32-year-old Brendan Muller decided today that he will stand perfectly still whenever he is in the presence of others in hopes of avoiding being canceled.

“My anxiety is at an all time high, and I realized if I don’t do anything, I can’t be accused of anything,” said Muller through a series of blinks in order to remain completely still. “I’m taking a risk even doing this interview. What if they discover my jeans were made with child labor? Or what if all those teenage girls I messaged on Myspace come forward? It’s a scary world for men right now.”

Muller’s childhood friend, 30-year-old Daniel Champagne, noted that while standing still might not be perfect, it’s working for now.

“I remember him screaming at his laptop like a banshee, then throwing it against the wall after reading that some comedian he liked got outed for being a perv. Later that night, we were watching ‘Jurassic Park,’ and there was that part where somebody says the T-rex ‘can’t see them if they don’t move,’” Champagne recalled between sips of a dangerously large can of Monster Energy Drink. “I guess that really resonated with him, because he scheduled an appointment for the feeding tube the next morning. I’ve been refilling his feed bag each day in the meantime. We’re hoping this all blows over soon, and people go back to staying silent about shitty behavior.”

Dr. Christina Von Volkenberg, the gastronomist who installed the feeding tube, did attempt to talk Muller out of the procedure.

“I tried telling him that if you just treat all people with kindness and consideration, respect their boundaries, and don’t be a fucking creep, you don’t have to worry about getting called out for anything. But he was very insistent that this was the only surefire way to avoid getting any sort of backlash,” said Dr. Von Volkenberg. “Come to think of it, choosing to exist in a perpetually passive state during a time of civil unrest over systemic injustice is pretty problematic in and of itself. Oh, boy. Just wait until this article comes out.”

It is unknown just how long Muller plans to continue this life of self-inflicted paralysis, as it would have taken way too long to ask him.

Virgin Hopes Sex Isn’t How It’s Described in Cannibal Corpse Song

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal Corpse songs he heard on an album his brother gave him last week.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to make that kind of commitment,” admitted a visibly terrified Wardell. “I mean, I’m sure I’ll meet a nice girl one day, and things may get pretty serious… but is it really gonna feel like being fucked by a knife? Who’s the knife? I think it’s really not good if either of us are the knife. And what if I’m not, ya know, good at it? I don’t know if I’ll be able to make her achieve orgasm by disemboweling her and then feeding her innards to diseased rats. Maybe I just haven’t met that special someone yet — all my friends have already been with loads of sexual partners, who I assume all cum blood. Is that supposed to happen?”

However, members of Cannibal Corpse resented the denigration of their art.

“I’ve always considered our songs to be love songs,” remarked singer George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher. “They’re about joining the carnal with the spiritual: like Prince, but with serial killers. This whole debacle has really exposed how sex-negative some people can be. Culturally, I thought we’d moved past defining sex and love as being between one man and one woman — it can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or a man and a woman and the parasitic necromorph baby clawing through her stomach.”

Experts in sexual health warn that death metal lyrics may not be the best source of information when it comes to sex education.

“I know death metal can be romantic. But it’s putting the cart before the horse,” said Dr. Ruth Willows, sex expert author of “The Death Growl in Your Loins.” “Going straight to Cannibal Corpse is like trying to master the ‘Kama Sutra’ before learning to not blow in each other’s mouths while kissing. If you’re not ready for a little mutual masturbation, you’re not ready for meat hook sodomy. Just keep the basics in mind: consent, open communication, and eye contact, even if those eyes are bulging out of a bare skull.”

At press time, former Cannibal Corpse frontman Chris Barnes was distancing himself from the remarks made by his band’s sloppy seconds.

Parents Announce Plan to Vote for Whoever Appears on TV Last

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

ATHENS, Ga. — A boomer-aged couple announced today their coordinated effort to vote in the upcoming presidential election for the candidate who appears on TV most recently, exasperated sources confirmed.

“Biden just seems like the right choice,” said Ann Buckley, her husband Irving nodding in agreement. “I feel like I’ve already spent so much time with him. Between the Obama years and his ads during ‘Family Feud,’ it’s like he’s already been in my home and sniffed my hair. A choice like this can’t be taken lightly: I need to make sure I vote for the name that seems most familiar to me when I shut the curtain of that voting booth.”

To court the elusive “parent vote,” the Biden campaign is maximizing their advertising impact by positioning commercials in blocks of advertising targeted towards typical parental interests.

“We call it the ‘Parent Sandwich,’” explained Biden’s communications director Kate Bedingfield. “We find what parents like, and we place our ads alongside their interests — for example, you might see one of our ads in between commercials for a blood pressure medication and Old Country Buffet. We also make sure we place positive Biden ads at the end of episodes, and at the start of the show, we put our Sanders attack ads that claim he will drastically reduce the number of times your child calls home every month.”

Some analysts, however, worry that a lack of information will lead to inconsistent support.

“I don’t think either of them know what [Biden] actually stands for,” lamented Mike Buckley, the couple’s son. “Mom just says he’s a ‘straight shooter,’ and Dad won’t stop talking about his ‘gumption.’ I don’t think Dad wants to vote for him so much as he wants to be his nephew. It probably won’t last.”

“They were all in for Trump like, two weeks ago,” agreed daughter Tania Buckley. “It seems like the best thing to do to keep our parents from fucking things up is to sabotage their cable connection, sign them up for Netflix, and put ‘Jeopardy’ on autoplay until the primaries are over.”

At press time, the Buckleys had pivoted their support to Ray Liotta after seeing him in a Chantix commercial.

We Taught This Chimpanzee to Understand the American Political System and He Hanged Himself

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

For generations, scientists have attempted to assess the intelligence of chimpanzees. We have discovered they are able to use tools, communicate via sign language, and observe a strong sense of community. With that in mind, we set out to see if we could make a chimpanzee understand the complexities of American politics. We found one particularly intelligent Chimp named Hugo and got to work.

Through simple positive reinforcement techniques, we introduced Hugo to the concept of democracy to which he became quickly attached. It was around when we tried to explain the Electoral College that Hugo became upset. “Why?” He could keep signing to use. “No sense. Unfair.” He would keep repeating.

We took a lunch break after we introduced the concept of Super PACs only to return to find that Hugo had hanged himself by the rope of his tire swing. With his own feces, he wrote “Money reigns” on the wall of his pen. Perhaps teaching him to read “A People’s History of the United States” was a bad idea.

We could tell he was getting dejected when we explained the concept of gerrymandering and disenfranchising minority voters but we didn’t think he would take it that badly. Also, forcing him to watch the Trump/Biden debate could have been construed as cruel and unusual. After that Hugo became depressed and just wanted to watch “Golden Girls” reruns.

While we did lose the subject, we are marking this experiment a resounding success because Hugo clearly understood the flaws within a two-party system. He even cried when we explained how the Republicans stole a Supreme Court seat with Brett Kavanaugh. We didn’t even know chimpanzees could cry! So, this is really a double win. For us. Not for Hugo.

I think we will have better luck with the mice we are training to understand the prison industrial complex.

Breaking! Chamillionaire Only Paid Chahundred Dollars in Taxes Last Year

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Rob Walker

HOUSTON — Rap artist and entrepreneur Chamillionaire, known for his hit single “Ridin’,” only paid a chahundred dollars in taxes last year, according to confusing financial documents leaked last Monday.

“Is there fancy accounting going on with Chamillionaire’s finances? Only the fanciest, baby,” said a member of the rapper’s entourage under the condition of anonymity. “Listen, regular folks got to pay taxes with U.S. dollars, but when you’re in the upper echelons of society, you can afford to technically lose money on paper while running several businesses and a rap career. But, listen: Chamillionaire is as good as his word, and each chahundred dollar bill is a promise. I mean, look at these things. This shit is embossed! Is U.S. cash embossed?”

Financial advisor Barry “Bird Dog” Brighton has offered Chamillionaire fiduciary council for over a decade.

“Cristal champagne, rims, fur… these may be luxuries to you, but in the rap game, they’re just office supplies. You can write that shit off,” said Brighton while pouring champagne down the ass of a medical student working at a Houston gentlemen’s club. “I mean, if you want to be taken seriously, you have to play the part. How would you feel if your doctor showed up to surgery in a fur coat? That’s why he wears the scrubs, and Chamillionaire wears the fur.”

H&R Block accountant Gina Ramirez explained in layman’s terms how a successful rapper could pay so little in taxes.

“I’m sorry. What is a chahundred dollar bill? Is it crypto? If it’s like Bitcoin, we would ask that it be claimed on taxes and be exchanged for U.S. currency,” said Ramirez, glancing over the rapper’s financial documents. “But this makes me think that he just made it all up. If that’s true, these things may as well be coupons for free hugs. Who has he been paying with these?”

Chamillionaire is currently under audit by the IRS, and must supply financial records relating to several chaoffshore chabank accounts.

Photo by Brian Solis

Jeb Bush Picks Horrible Night to Start Twitch Channel

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Famously unremarkable politician and former presidential nominee Jeb Bush began his new Twitch stream tonight in an unprecedented failure, debuting the same evening as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s record breaking stream of the hit game Among Us, which featured fellow politicians and streaming celebrities.

“Well this isn’t going at all how I’d planned,” said Bush, several minutes into his own abysmal game of Among Us with various Republican politicians. “Let’s just play the game, Jeb. It’s fun. It’s video games. I guess uh… Scott Walker is pretty sus. I didn’t… I didn’t see him do the, uh… garbage… shit, this is really, really sad. Even for me, this sucks.”

“Please sub,” Bush said to conclude his stream, which had dwindled to three viewers.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Writer Struck With Inspiration Furiously Writes Down ‘Superman But Evil’

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Writer James Mann was reportedly scribbling down ideas in a moleskine notebook after being suddenly struck with the idea of “Superman if he was evil.”

“I mean holy shit, what a eureka moment. I have been having some writer’s block lately, truth be told. But then I was thinking… we all know Superman… but he’s good. What if he was evil? That’s when the fun began,” explained Mann, going through the process behind his new concept. “I mean can you even imagine what that would be like? The possibilities are legitimately endless. What would an evil Superman say about society? What does it say about humanity? What does it say about the notion of power? No one has ever considered these questions.”

“The hardest part so far has been deciding what my version of Superman should be named,” Mann said. “I’ve had the Thesaurus entry open for the word ‘super’ all morning. Powerman, Ultraman, Dazzleman… I’ll figure it out.”

Despite Mann’s project not having launched yet, it has already developed a growing fanbase.

“Superman But Evil is my favorite comic book. Or movie or TV show or whatever it ends up being,” said r/EvilSupes moderator u/herohater83. “I just know that when I think of Superman, I want him to be a badass villain. Lasering people in the face just cuz he thinks they’re dumb. That would RULE. You know how they say the S on his chest stands for ‘hope?’ What if it stands for ‘fuck?’”

Unfortunately, as of press time, work on Superman But Evil had paused after Mann came across information about The Boys, Watchmen, Superman: Red Son, The Dark Knight Returns, Injustice, Justice League: A Better World, Brightburn, Invincible, and various drawings on DeviantArt.

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Claudia Conway Reveals Her Mom Pretended to Have COVID to Play Crash Bandicoot 4

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Mo Mozuch

WASHINGTON — TikTok sensation Claudia Conway released a series of bombshell videos today revealing that her mother and close Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway lied about her COVID diagnosis in order to stay home and play the newly released Crash Bandicoot 4.

“Guys it’s like not even funny at this point, she’s totally faking it,” Conway said in the video which has been liked 4.2 million times. “She locks herself in the basement with a carton of Parliaments and screams about Cortex Castle being cheap as fuck. If she has a respiratory disease, why does the house smell like an ashtray fucked a donkey?”

Claudia Conway explained that her mother’s fixation on Sony’s flagship character began in the ‘90s when Crash Bandicoot first released on PlayStation. Her mother was initially drawn to the commercials featuring a live-action Crash mascot using a megaphone to yell at Nintendo HQ.

“She loved the attacks on Nintendo because it’s a Japanese company and she hates Japan, totally missing the fact Sony is Japanese because whatever,” said Conway. “She acts like that Bandicoot is some kind of fucking American folk hero.”

Trump insiders acknowledge that Crash Bandicoot’s brash persona, bold eyebrows and deep orange hue likely inspired Conway as she crafted Trump’s political persona as he dominated the GOP primary and, later, the 2016 election.

“Those were Crash talking points during those debates, no doubt about it. When he told Hillary ‘Extreme Drain the Swamp!’ that was straight from Conway’s love of Crash,” says former Trump adviser Steve Bannon. “She even got him to start calling her Tawna. Creepy.”

“The White House has categorically denied the allegations that Conway is faking her illness so she can spend time reconnecting with her beloved franchise. Despite the allure of a brand-new Crash Bandicoot adventure. According to White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, Conway is focused on her health and her role as a key advisor to the leader of the free world.

“Any suggestion that this illness is a fabrication is simply lies from the liberal left being amplified by the fake news media,” she said in a press conference earlier today. “The fact is Ms.Conway is very, very sick and plans to stay in, get some rest, and stay hydrated with plenty of Mtn Dew GameFuel. Doctor’s orders.”

At press time, Claudia Conway posted an apology tweet, revealing that her mother had died of COVID-19.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Review: Machine Gun Kelly Is Revolutionizing Pop Punk by Dating an Adult

Posted on October 20, 2020 by John Dixon

It’s 2020. The country is divided, the world is on fire, and a pop-punk album is topping the charts. At least one of these things is thanks to one man: Machine Gun Kelly. Typically known as a rapper, Kelly is revolutionizing the ailing genre of pop-punk by taking the genre in a wildly new direction. Machine Gun Kelly is a pop-punk frontman who is dating an adult.

This wild subversion of expectations transforms what would have otherwise been a middling collection of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater rejects with juvenile lyrics into something with actual pathos. Kelly’s mix of hip hop elements in aesthetic, sound, and marketing of the album, combine very nicely with his lack of statutory rape accusations in a way the genre has never seen before.

Opener ‘title track’ in particular carries with it the sort of weight that can only come from a 30-year-old choosing to date a 34-year-old. Out of the mouth of a lesser man, lines like, “if I were a painter, I’d be a depressionist” would come across as laughable. But coming from Kelly, the pop-punk unicorn with an age-appropriate partner, they come across as pointed witticisms.

Whereas most pop-punk frontmen throughout the ages have used their celebrity to prey on younger women, Kelly has chosen to not only date an adult, but Megan Fox. As a celebrity who is older than Kelly and has a larger cultural footprint, this shift in power differential is a complete inverse of the rest of the genre, putting Kelly solidly ahead of his peers.

While the album is full of genre-defying moments, MGK utilizes several key changes to the formerly one-note genre. For instance, Machine Gun Kelly is revolutionizing pop-punk by using 808’s to supplement live drums. Even more amazing, he does this while simultaneously not sending dick pics to children. Further, his incorporation of cross-genre collaboration with high profile artists brings a new vibe to pop-punk, as opposed to the old cliche’ pop-punk trope of luring a naive fan to a tour bus while their parents wait in their car. Lastly, using social media and collaborating with brands to inspire the next generation of kids to pick up guitars and sing songs about heartbreak is Kelly’s way of solidifying the beloved genre’s future. Oh, and the not fucking children thing. That’s a big help, too.

Then again, the lyrics still have a lot of the old misogynistic tropes pop-punk lyrics are known for. Cancel Machine Gun Kelly, now!

Census Bureau Reminds Crust Punks to Not Count Raccoons As Roommates

Posted on October 20, 2020 by Amir Adan

SUITLAND, Md. — The United States Census Bureau issued a sharp reminder to crust punks today to stop counting wild animals such as raccoons as members of the household when filling out their questionnaire.

“Many census enumerators are reporting that crust punks have taken to labeling any living thing in their squat as roommates, and that could sway the data we are trying to collect,” said frustrated U.S. Census spokesperson Susan Zimmerman. “Again, we ask everyone to please only count the humans living with them — that means no raccoons, no stray dogs, and certainly not your bed bugs. One household submitted a count of 748 roommates total, two of which were human. We need to make sure we’re getting an accurate count.”

However, crust punks across the country claim this move is a transparent attempt to suppress their numbers in America’s population count.

“This is absolute bullshit,” said irate crust punk Lenny “Six Toes” Arnold. “My roommate Austin is a feral dog, sure. But not counting him because he’s not human is massively fucked when he does just as much for this household as any of us. Same goes for my adopted son, Clyde: just because he’s a ferret I found living in a burned out station wagon, doesn’t mean he’s not a person. This is why we say fuck the government — they just screw with us every chance they get.”

Areas with dense crust punk populations can expect population counts much smaller than previously thought, which is troublesome to institutions such as schools.

“I’m not sure what our budget will look like if we see a sudden sharp drop in the local population,” said Oak Lawn school district superintendent Ramey Stein. “Before the crust punks, this suburb’s population was about 60,000. But because they seem to count every dust mite or whatever as a kid, we would tell the federal government we’ve got 3.6 million people. With this nonsense, we will absolutely lose out on funding. The students here have gotten accustomed to lavish lunches with fine wines and filet mignon, and I don’t know how they’ll adjust when the budget gets slashed after this new census count.”

The bureau added in a followup statement that while it is important to make sure everyone is counted, it is okay to not include bassists and Juggalos when completing the census.

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