5 Well Paying Jobs Your Parents Probably Have if You’re Voting Third Party

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

We all know that choosing who to vote for is an unsatisfying, existentially-bleak, and pleasure-devoid bummer. It’s impossible to find any political candidate that caters to our fine-tuned ideals. Well, fear not because there’s no need for you to be shackled to the constrictive grip of the two-party system. That is, assuming your parents have good enough jobs that your life isn’t impacted by our current economic and social issues.

If so, then congratulations! Here are five well-paying jobs your parents probably have if you’re voting third party.

Corporate Finance Lawyer – So you like how conservatism will protect your family’s generational wealth, but razzed that they don’t let you smoke weed? Sounds like your parents might be engaged in the sexy world of corporate financial protection. While they’re busy squirreling away pharma company money in offshore accounts, you’re probably listening to Sublime and wondering why Ron Paul got such a raw deal.

Medical Specialist – If the grave circumstances surrounding the upcoming election don’t compel you to vote for the lesser of two evils, chances are one of your parents is a doctor with a superfluous subspecialty. They provided you with a good education from the money they earned giving lip filler to televangelists and circumcising prize racehorses.

Being White – Let’s face it, being white is a full-time job. From managing your disproportionately higher finances to constantly creating contingency plans for what you believe is the impending race war, you’re looking for a candidate who’s both pro-choice and will support building affordable housing, just not in your neighborhood.

Brand Specialist – At the end of the day, the political wings of the United States are less differentiated by a series of substantive policy disagreements and more by public imaging cultivated by decades of meticulously designed marketing. One party is Coke and the other is Pepsi. You? Your party is RC Cola. It’s certainly unique, but it’ll give you cancer.

Any Outspoke Celebrity – Look, I am so sorry that your mom or dad is out there right now posting videos in a cringy attempt to appear in touch with the common person. Telling us we “need to pull together” while wearing designer clothes, petting a designer cat, and sitting in a designer mansion, is certainly a reason to rebel and vote against literally anything and anyone they support. But come election day, please think of our future before you throw away your voice in the American democratic system just to make a volunteer chuckle at your write-in selection of, “Captain America.”

Alkaline Trio Begins Working on New Spooky Pun to Title Next Album

Posted on by James Knapp

CHICAGO — Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio has returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their forthcoming album, sources fond of goofy wordplay confirmed.

“We’ve put a lot of sweat, blood and tears into our music over the years, but that’s nothing compared to how much we’ve put into making sure every album title is up to the Trio pun standard,” explained guitarist and self- described “ghost master general” Matt Skiba. “We’ve already got some pretty good titles written up, like ‘I Urn For You’ and ‘Trick Gore Treat,’ but I’ve got a feeling our best titles are still to come. Oh! Like ‘Hexacution!’ Gotta remember to write that one down later.”

The album’s production staff are frustrated by the band’s insistence on focusing on a spooky pun at this point in the recording process.

“Why are they putting so much effort into this? The album has been finished for six months, but we’re still waiting on these dudes to come up with a fucking title,” bemoaned engineer Will Donner while reviewing the band’s latest list of potential names. “Most of these don’t even make sense: they’ve got stuff like ‘Department of Murder Vehicles,’ ‘Coffee and Cremation,’ or ‘No Shoes, No Shirt, No Funeral Service.’ There was one that just read, ‘What about a shoe store… but like, if it was scary.’ That’s not even a pun — it sounds like they came up with these while they were running errands.”

Music journalist Stella Maines agreed.

“I’ve been a fan of Alkaline Trio for years, but in my professional opinion, their album pun game has been on the downslide since they chose ‘Crimson’ over ‘Church and Destroy.’ Ever since, possibly groundbreaking puns like ‘Land of the Scream, Home of the Grave’ and ‘Seance It Ain’t So’ are just haunting reminders of what could have been. A good spooky pun is an essential element of every Alkaline Trio album — their recent lazy goofiness is exactly how we end up with bullshit like ‘Agony & Irony,’ goddammit!”

Alkaline Trio is also reportedly considering “Creeping with the Enemy,” “Ghoulf Course,” and “Please Sir, Can I Have Some Morgue.”

Photo by IllaZilla.

World’s Most Boring Video Game Player Raises Defense Stat

Posted on by John Danek

PEORIA, Ill. — Friends of Shaun Conner were disappointed but unsurprised as he continually raised the defense stat of his RPG character, cementing his place as the world’s most boring gamer.

“I find that slow, steady, and careful wins the race in any video game,” explained Conner while showing off how much damage his incredibly dull, sturdy hero could withstand. “It started when I got Pokémon as a kid. I almost exclusively used Metapod’s ‘harden’ attack against my friends. Eventually my opponent would quit and call their mom to pick them up, ensuring my victory.”

“I also refuse to play a game if you can’t save at-will, because I prefer to save before entering and after exiting every single room in any game,” continued Conner, slowly enunciating every word in a monotone voice. “Another prime strategy is hoarding as much in-game gold as possible, but never spending it. A better item will always come along later!”

Conner’s friends admit that these boring, droll qualities affect aspects of his real life.

“In the rare event that you get Shaun to hang out, it’s mostly conversation about home security, strong fencing, and putting money into your 401(k),” said long-time best friend Josh Patel. “But he has a massive game collection and lends me games all the time, which is dope. I could do without the advice on retro game storage and the legal contract ensuring that I will return the game on time, though.”

A game developer weighed in on the necessity of allowing for a variety of play styles, even if some seem as boring as watching paint dry.

“The overwhelming majority of gamers are either going to pump strength or magic stats; we know this,” stated Jessica Wilmington, senior programmer at Monkfish Games. “But a tiny subset choose to play in the most passive, tedious styles imaginable. So while I don’t agree morally with their choice, it is ethically our duty to provide them that option, if they so choose. Even if defense-minded video gaming is an affront in the eyes of God.”

At press time, Conner’s gaming session was cut short when he had to recharge his controller after the battery dipped below 90%.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

We Chat With America’s Top 5 Online Bingo Winners About the Strategies that Made them Rich

Posted on by Ed Saincome

You may have noticed that these days the news cycle has been dominated by stories of online bingo winners living it up. America is the land of opportunity. One day you may be a poor, lazy person who gambles online. But, if you work hard enough, you can become a rich, lazy person who gambles online!

Just like these five winners who we sat down with to discuss the strategies they used playing Bingo online at winkbingo.com!

Abigail Shandy – “I created a winning environment”

Abigail told us the key to her success was creating a winning environment. She said her secret to making the best possible environment for winning is to keep track of your numbers with physical paper and a colored dabber (use washable ink, of course!). Also, take the time to set up your computer aka your “Bingo Battlestation.” Get a snack. Check Facebook one more time. Anything you need to do to get yourself comfortable and focused. Also, she doesn’t report her winnings to the IRS and that helps a lot, too.

Jameson Pile – “I tracked my wins”

Jameson rode this strategy all the way to the VIP lounge at www.winkbingo.com. He tracked the time of day and days of the week he was winning the most often and continued to do so as he incrementally amassed his bingo fortune. Mr. Pile says the key is, “in the edges.”

“You gotta eke out every win you can,” Mr. Pile explained via email. “The margins are so thin, but you can win as long as you play the percentages. Also, I embezzled all my winnings through a fake LLC.”

Tucker Everson – “I sat down in a chair”
Texas always has been and always will be the mecca of old school sit down in your face bingo action, but the dawn of online bingo saw that crown begin to lose its luster. Enter Tucker Everson, 49 years young, diabetic and quickly establishing himself as the Michael Jordan of Texas online bingo.

Everson invited us to his luxury Fort worth condo for a chance to learn from the master face to face.

The Hard Times: Mr. Everson thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us.
Everson: You want a root beer barrel?
Oh uhm, I’ll take one for later if you don’t mind, thanks.
Plenty more where that came from. Since my good fortune with the boxes on the interwebs I am flush with hard candy.
What would you say is your greatest strength as a bingo player?
My ass. Bingo is a sitting man’s game. We had a saying back at the bingo hall, ‘If you can’t handle the seat, get out of the chair.’ The same thing applies to online bingin, maybe even more so. There’s an athleticism to it that most folks don’t understand.
How do you mean?
You gotta make sure you got the right blood flow. Without that, you won/t make it past hour four. When I’m training for a tournament I don’t start drinking until two hours past noon and I switch to ultralights.
What would you say is the main advantage of playing bingo virtually?
Well at the Elks club they frowned on my habit of being in an old coffee can to keep playing. With the dawn of the internet, that obstacle is a thing of the past.
That explains the smell.
That’s the smell of money being made my friend.
Well thank you for your time, we need to get going.
You need the can?

Belinda Landers – “I was not aware that I was playing online bingo”

This woman has turned beginners’ luck into an art form. Apparently Ms. Landers, a retired elementary school teacher from McHenry Illinois, was attempting to “electronically mail” her grandson Arthur Bing and somehow wound up hitting it big on wishbingo.com.

“I hope i did it right.” Ms. Landers explained. “I went on the google and typed in my grandson’s name and then had to type in my banking information a bunch of times, is that normal?”

It should be noted that Landers’ strategy may not be for everyone. Her bingo winnings are significant but do not begin to cover the debt she has accumulated due to various online scams.

Leo Polenski – “I will take my bingo secrets to the grave, get off my land”

The takeaway here is secrecy. If you find something that works for you, keep it to yourself. This, we assume, was the intended message behind the warning shots Mr. Polenski fired near our car upon approaching his property.

Check out next week’s interview with America’s top five Slots winners about the strategies they used playing slots at winkbingo.com. Spoiler alert: they’re the exact same ones as bingo. Happy playing!

GROSS: This Guy Loves You and Only Wants What’s Best for You

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

DENVER — Your boyfriend of two years claimed yesterday, in a “totally gross” and “most definitely insincere” showering of affection, that he loves you and only wants what’s best for you, according to friends worried about your long-term happiness.

“I’ve been under a ton of stress, and I was venting to my boyfriend. Other guys would usually minimize my concerns or not pay attention, but weirdly, he just listened and put his arm around me. Like, what the actual fuck? Why didn’t he just take his phone into the bathroom and not come out for 45 minutes?” you said, while scanning all his previous texts and reading way too much into them. “I don’t know. I wanna be happy, but there’s something about all his love, respect, and encouragement that I find so off-putting. I mean, ugh, right? What kinda shit is he trying to pull?”

Despite your waiting for the other shoe to drop, your boyfriend is steadfast in his devotion to you while still establishing and respecting healthy boundaries.

“I know she’s had some really ugly relationships in the past, so I try to be supportive. But it’s frustrating that she gets suspicious over the fact that I’ve never threatened to beat the shit out of her male coworkers, or ever flew into a jealous rage because she was hanging out with her friends,” your boyfriend said, in a suspiciously rational and supportive way. “I know I’m far from perfect myself. But I really do love her, no matter how many times she accuses me of only pretending to love her just so I can later steal all her money, like that guy she dated when she lived in Orlando.”

Therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Gerald Allen stated that this sort of behavior is common in relationships.

“Many people suffer from various degrees of relationship anxiety — particularly if they’ve been hurt before,” he explained. “My best advice is to learn to love yourself, regardless of whether your wife’s ex has a way bigger penis than mine. I mean, yours. I mean… metaphorically.”

At press time, you’re struggling to decide between marrying your boyfriend because he’s “the greatest, most loving person you’ve ever met” or sabotaging the relationship because “honestly, it’s way easier.”

Aging Metalhead Carves Grandkids’ Names in Forearm

Posted on by Daniel Arnold

SEATTLE — Dedicated grandfather and unapologetic metalhead Lyle Makowski carved the names of his two grandsons, Henry and Mitchell, on his forearm last week, shocked and disgusted family members confirmed.

“I’ve always felt showing off the grandkids with pictures from your wallet came off a little obnoxious, and I figured I could get more creative with it. I got hepatitis C and tetanus while simultaneously carving those names on me — if that doesn’t say ‘I love my grandkids,’ then I don’t know what does,” said Makowski, recovering at a nearby hospital. “My only regret is my heavy hand: I went so deep carving the ‘R’ in Henry and nicked an artery; I almost bled out on the newly refinished linoleum. My wife came in to find me on the ground looking like the cover of a Mayhem album. I really got an ear full from her later that night.”

Makowski’s daughter and mother to the two young boys, Annette Ward,was unsurprised by her father’s extreme expression.

“Yeah, this isn’t the first time Dad’s gone a little overboard showing his affection towards a loved one,” said Ward. “On my 13th birthday, he sacrificed a goat to the demon god Baphomet in hopes to bring me good luck for the year. The screams of that goat being brutally slaughtered still haunt me to this day, but I know behind those screams, there’s a loving father trying to make his little girl’s birthday a special one.”

The eldest of the two children, Mitchell Ward, agreed.

“When grandpa said he had a surprise for me and my brother, I was really hoping it was new skateboards. But, no — it was a bloody arm I could barely read,” said the young boy. “Mom said that’s how grandpa shows his love, so I carved the name of a girl that I have a crush on in my own arm. But I got suspended and I have to see a therapist twice a week. It isn’t fair.”

While recovering, Makowski is planning his upcoming 75th birthday party, which promises “food, fun, and a total bloodbath” on the Facebook invite.

White Teen Shooter Loses Xbox Privileges For A Whole Week

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

BALTIMORE — 17-year-old active shooter and local white boy Tyler Dunsky was sentenced today to no Xbox privileges for a whole week following a recent killing spree for which he will otherwise not be held accountable.

“I had no choice to rule the way I did, due to a technicality in how our laws are written. It makes no sense to me either, but after a murder marathon, even a white guy is typically given some sort of consequence,” said presiding Judge Blake Donovan. “I tried to be lenient considering Mr. Dunsky is just so darn good at water polo, but I didn’t consider how my sentence would really impact this person’s life. I’m kept awake at night, thinking of how Tyler and his family will be impacted by my decision — forced to spend seven entire days acknowledging each other’s existence without Xbox fun time. No one said this job was going to be easy.”

Dunsky’s mother Janice Dunsky was disappointed by the sentencing imposed on her son.

“What people need to understand about my son is that yes, he has excellent aim, but he also has a very promising future,” Mrs. Dunsky said. “Sometimes in order to truly live, laugh, and love, a few people need to die, scream and panic, so I don’t understand why my son is being punished for that. Bottom line, if Tyler doesn’t get his 18 hours of screen time, he starts calling me all kinds of disrespectful names that he should be yelling at an 8-year-old with a headset.”

Additional white guys around the country have since rallied in support of Dunsky.

“This whole sentencing is bullshit. Tyler was just out there vibing with his guns and all these people just wanna cause drama by getting all dead and shit,” Dunsky supporter and entitled guy Matt Cobbler stated. “You people are always telling teens to be more involved in politics, but suddenly draw the line when my bro writes a manifesto, posts it on YouTube, and then immediately goes on a shooting rampage? Do you want us to care or not?”

At press time, several young white males are coming out in massive troves of support for Dunsky, and have collectively punched “Give Tyler back his Xbox time” into an overpass.

So You’re a Toddler? Name Three Shapes

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

Hey there, little guy. I’m your uncle, John, but everyone calls me Bonez. So… what colors you like? Nothing? Okay then, what’s your favorite Disney movie? Come on, kid. Give me something. What kind of toddler are you? I bet you can’t even name three shapes.

What the hell, dude? I don’t need you waddling around my space if you’re gonna pretend to be something you’re not. How do I know you’re not a narc? You’re hard to read. Probably because you haven’t completely developed the facial muscles to communicate subtle nonverbal cues. So fuckin’ just name three shapes and we can go on with our day. Two shapes? One? Do you need a hint? There’s like, five fucking shapes on your shirt!

What shape am I pointing at? The three-sided shape. No, that’s my cat. That shape, right there. What the hell is it? “Tangle?” Close enough. I’ll give you points for that. Where I’m from we call it a “triangle” but I can respect generations utilizing language as they see fit.

Look, little punk, you won’t survive in this world without being able to represent your scene. Shit, I’m trying to do you a favor here. Imagine how little I would have accomplished in life if I didn’t know every Black Flag line-up. I don’t think my sister would trust me to babysit her kid in between shifts at Circle K without this level of street cred.

Damn dude, you don’t have to cry about it. Seriously, please stop crying. Oh, dude, you’re being such a buzzkill. Okay, okay. How about I help you? Is that cool? Dope.

Alright, so let’s start with the circle. You have to learn that if you’re gonna be able to tag the anarchy logo on shit. Can you say “circle?” No, that’s still my cat. Fine, we’ll move on.

Aging Punk Quietly Circles ‘A’ In ‘Accounts Receivable’ During Sales Meeting

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PHOENIX — 45-year-old punk rocker and local senior accountant Danny Rogers was spotted yesterday afternoon circling the “A” on a weekly PNL report during a company Zoom meeting, startled sources confirmed.

“It was just another weekly sales meeting like any other — we were discussing quarterly earnings, and I looked down and the ‘A’ was just staring at me,” Rogers said from his living room/office. “Before I knew it, I’d just circled it. Fucking anarchy! It was like my Peechee folder from high school all over again.”

While the incident sent shockwaves through the virtual office, not all coworkers were surprised by the report defacement.

“Rogers is always doing stupid shit; he’s always listening to NPR or something. I once tried to invite him to the office Fantasy Football league and he looked at me like I was speaking some foreign language,” said co-worker Brandon Todd, who saw Rogers’ behavior “coming from a mile away.” “One time I was out bar hopping with my boys, and we saw Dan across the street. He was wearing a shirt that said ‘Joy Division,’ and was hanging with a bunch of sketchy dudes dressed all in black… and he acted like he didn’t see me when I waved. I think that dude is in a mid-life crisis or something.”

University of Berkeley Behavioral Health specialist Dr. Rhoda Watson claimed she’s seen a drastic increase in similar subversive behavior nationwide.

“Mr. Rogers’ condition is increasingly a common one: as the punk ages, they will often drift into traditional society roles despite the presence of the inner punk, causing the suppressed behaviors to show up in peculiar, often subconscious ways,” Dr. Watson explained. “In the majority of cases, it’s harmless — you might see common punk emblematics, such as petty vandalism, or borrowing of money from friends while still having enough money for alcohol and drugs. In more extreme cases, we’ve seen a subject fight the entire security detail at their kid’s Little League game. The treatment for such behavior is still under much debate.”

“But if there is one thing the entire medical community does agree on,” she added, “it’s that the best way to combat these behaviors is to not be such a fucking poser in the first place.”

At press time, Rogers was unavailable for comment as he was smoking a bowl in his car on his lunch break, parked in his driveway.

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