SUITLAND, Md. — The United States Census Bureau issued a sharp reminder to crust punks today to stop counting wild animals such as raccoons as members of the household when filling out their questionnaire.
“Many census enumerators are reporting that crust punks have taken to labeling any living thing in their squat as roommates, and that could sway the data we are trying to collect,” said frustrated U.S. Census spokesperson Susan Zimmerman. “Again, we ask everyone to please only count the humans living with them — that means no raccoons, no stray dogs, and certainly not your bed bugs. One household submitted a count of 748 roommates total, two of which were human. We need to make sure we’re getting an accurate count.”
However, crust punks across the country claim this move is a transparent attempt to suppress their numbers in America’s population count.
“This is absolute bullshit,” said irate crust punk Lenny “Six Toes” Arnold. “My roommate Austin is a feral dog, sure. But not counting him because he’s not human is massively fucked when he does just as much for this household as any of us. Same goes for my adopted son, Clyde: just because he’s a ferret I found living in a burned out station wagon, doesn’t mean he’s not a person. This is why we say fuck the government — they just screw with us every chance they get.”
Areas with dense crust punk populations can expect population counts much smaller than previously thought, which is troublesome to institutions such as schools.
“I’m not sure what our budget will look like if we see a sudden sharp drop in the local population,” said Oak Lawn school district superintendent Ramey Stein. “Before the crust punks, this suburb’s population was about 60,000. But because they seem to count every dust mite or whatever as a kid, we would tell the federal government we’ve got 3.6 million people. With this nonsense, we will absolutely lose out on funding. The students here have gotten accustomed to lavish lunches with fine wines and filet mignon, and I don’t know how they’ll adjust when the budget gets slashed after this new census count.”
The bureau added in a followup statement that while it is important to make sure everyone is counted, it is okay to not include bassists and Juggalos when completing the census.