You Can Still Make It in the Music Industry by Having My Rich Dad

Posted on March 7, 2021 by KC Phillips

You hear it every day: opinions from all of the darkest corners of the internet, that there’s just no way to break into mainstream success anymore; they say that the music industry is a kabal of incestuous dealmaking and toxic gatekeeping, but as long as you have My Rich Dad, trust me, you’ll be fine.

Thanks to My Rich Dad, you don’t have to worry about tedious industry-exclusive jargon like whether or not your music is “good,” (whatever that means). My Rich Dad knows the guy who puts music in Target commercials, so if you ever need a quick couple thousand, I just shoot My Rich Dad a link to your Bandcamp.

Ordinarily, when I perform an acoustic solo set, I get told all kinds of elitist garbage by industry hotheads, stuff like “You’ll never make it,” and “We didn’t invite you to this wedding, who are you?” But when I have My Rich Dad around, people are practically BEGGING me to show up unannounced at their wedding, high, and playing all the hits.

And My Rich Dad doesn’t just stop at industry success! Millennials who are complaining about the housing market being inaccessible have clearly never met My Rich Dad. All you’ve gotta say is “Pa’pa, I have grown restless abroad” and he’ll come running to sweep you away from whatever couch you woke up on and whatever hangover you woke up with. And if you get bored with whatever house My Rich Dad buys for you, you can just go on tour again.

Every one of those cynics and pessimists out there who think there’s no clear path towards success needs to take a chill pill (My Rich Dad has a pill guy) and relax. You don’t have to work yourself to death or try really hard or play your own instruments or wake up before 3 pm or understand where to sign a check. You just gotta take it to My Rich Dad, tell him you’re sleepy from all your drugs, and he’ll take care of the rest for you. It’s really not that hard.

Obviously, this advice isn’t going to work for everyone; you’ll need to get a My Rich Dad of your own if you ever want to start making a name for yourself out there. But as soon as you get one? Oh, baby, it’s smooth sailing! So cheer up and remember it’s not so hard, just get My Rich Dad and you’ll be making money doing your stupid music crap or whatever in no time.

Punk Dog Offers to Fetch Your Slippers for a Cigarette

Posted on March 7, 2021 by Emma Jonas

DENVER — Local beagle Danzig used what may be the first words uttered by a canine last week, allegedly to offer to fetch his owner Tim Merrick’s slippers in exchange for a cigarette.

“When he first spoke, I was so excited — three years and he’d never said a thing, and then all of a sudden, I’m able to talk to my best friend,” Merrick said. “But all he said was, ‘Hey man, grab your slippers for a smoke?’ I didn’t know what to do but agree to it. Next thing I know, he’s escaping the house at all hours of the night through the windows, even though he’s got a doggie door that cost me a pretty penny to install.”

The novelty of his new trick wore off quickly among local residents and business owners, including Mile-High Pizza owner Theresa Chandler, who now spots the dog on a regular basis.

“I keep finding the damned mutt in the dumpster out back, eating leftover pies and asking if he can take some of the old plastic milk crates ‘to keep his records in,’” Chandler said. “Once I even found him humping a cat out there. He just bothers us to ask for cigarettes or change, or if we’ll put his band’s show flyer in the window.”

Despite the manipulative efforts to feed his habit, some are impressed with Danzig’s tenacity.

“That dog’s got some real hustle, and I’m not about to shame him for it,” said punk house resident and Danzig’s “roommate” Devon Manetti. “We may be spending more money on cigs than ever, but to be honest, this place has never looked cleaner, and I haven’t gotten yelled at for not separating the recycling from the regular garbage by Tim or his boyfriend in weeks.”

“Plus, a dog with liberty spikes smoking a Newport is doing really great things for my Instagram engagement,” he added.

At press time, the household was hiding it’s cash after their cat Munchie realized she could easily trade laundry detergent for heroin.

We Rank The Two Shirts You Wore During 2020

Posted on March 6, 2021 by Tyler Simpson

From the non-stop wildfires in Australia to the garbage fires in Cyberpunk 2077, 2020 will go down as one of the worst years in recent history. Though it was a hard time for most of us, there was one group in particular that struggled to protect us and comfort us. These heroes were on the front line every day, fighting with all their might against multiple crises. Of course, I’m talking about the two shirts you wore during 2020.

From mustard stains, fluctuations in weight, and multiple days in a row of “forgetting” to put on deodorant, these shirts withstood every trial in their path to cover your nipples during Zoom meetings and keep you cozy while you doomscrolled on Twitter.

Here are the top 2 shirts you wore during 2020.

2 – That One XL Shirt Your Mom Got You That Says “I’ll Always Be Mom’s Li’l Angel”

You swore you’d never wear this shirt. It was huge, tacky, and slightly oedipal. It sat there, wasting away in your donation pile. Then quarantine struck. Against all odds, this shirt found its way on to your torso and has almost never left it since.

This shirt has done everything. It kept you warm (but not too warm), it fit easily under a hoodie when you needed to appear on a video call, and it covered your butt and genitals, enabling you to Donald Duck your way around the living room with the blinds open. It would be the number one shirt if not for…

1 – Hard Drive’s Sega Bass Fishing Tee

Some would say this isn’t just your top shirt of 2020, but that it’s everyone’s top shirt of 2020. It’s comfortable enough to lounge in but sleek enough that you don’t feel like a total dork the one time you go out in public every 3 months. The people that didn’t wear this shirt in 2020 were worse off for it. But fear not, you can rectify that situation and salvage the rest of 2021 by purchasing it here: https://shop.thehardtimes.net/products/sega-bass-fishing-tee

Priest from “The Exorcist” Just Happy to Hear His Mother Is Making Friends in Hell

Posted on March 6, 2021 by Ryan Danley

WASHINGTON — Father Damien Karras was elated to hear during a recent conversation with the demon Pazuzu that his recently deceased mother, Mary Karras, was making friends via afterlife oral sex escapades, multiple terrified sources confirmed.

“I was hoping that my mother was doing well — she always pushed people away anytime they started to get close. So when that possessed little girl Regan growled that Mom was sucking cocks in hell, I was overjoyed. She’s getting in the afterlife what I could never give her on earth: cocks,” said Father Karras. “I’ll be honest, a ton of my time in the church has been spent being pretty critical of Hell, but hearing about all the available cock has really shaken my faith. I mean, if eternal damnation involves miles and miles of cocks ready for the suckin’, sign me up.”

Father Karras’ aunt Lilly Crossley was conflicted regarding her departed sibling playing first-chair skin flute in the hellfire and brimstone concerto.

“When Mary and I were teenagers, a dong to chug was rare; the young men of the era were rather prude. So I’m happy to hear she has finally found her cock sucking community. But admittedly, I’m a bit jealous,” said Crossley. “I’ve been a good Catholic my whole life, thinking I’d someday get my ‘eternal reward.’ Meanwhile, Mary is airtight every night in a sweltering, demonic suck-and-fuck fest. And I’ll be stuck spending infinity riding a cloud and playing harp with some chaste dork like Pat Boone or St. Thomas Aquinas.”

Despite this, the demon Pazuzu is hoping there is a bigger lesson learned beyond the mere presence of delicious, greasy pole.

“I’m pretty sick and tired of being the ‘bad guy.’ I show up, give some information on a family member’s cock sucking, and they still try to exorcise me. Possession is our only way to communicate about the cock sucking; it’s not like we get Verizon down here,” said Pazuzu. “And did you see the look on the face of the old priest when I brought up the cock sucking? That guy is not sex-positive. If you’re not down with sexual freedoms, that’s your own shit. We don’t do that patriarchy bullshit in my hell.”

At press time, Father Karras was seen heading out to complete all seven deadly sins to ensure his future place in hell.

Nation’s Townies to Meet Down by Train Tracks Around Five

Posted on March 6, 2021 by Krissy Howard

UNITED STATES — A gathering of townies from across the country is expected to begin at around 5 p.m. today and end sometime before the gas station closes so everyone can cop one more tallboy before heading home, according to sources.

“As per usual, we’ll probably ease into things by cracking open a cold one and just talking all kinds of shit,“ said self-proclaimed “hometown hero” representing the Sumner County, Ks. area, Dale “Shearsy” Simmonds. “From there, we’ll move to kicking bottle caps we find on tracks, peeing, and talking about how much we hate this town but how there’s something about it that always keeps calling us back. We’ll likely end by trying to figure out what the story is behind that partial skeleton over by the little tree, which looks like it could either be a dog or maybe a huge raccoon.”

Regular meet-up participants look forward to the event, and plan to go as there “ain’t shit else to do around here anyway.”

“I’ll probably get there a little late, let things cook a bit and show up for the good stuff. ‘Texas’ Tony usually has something set on fire by about 6, and I found my Sharpie and wanna hit up that underpass while this design is still fresh in my mind,“ said Dryden, N.Y.-based junior townie, 14-year-old Sarah Stento. “If Katie from down the block shows up, I’m gonna beat her ass though, for real. That body splash bitch needs to stay away from me, and so does her mom.”

Small town expert Daryl McCombs explained that, while similar in some regards, townies are not to be mistaken for people who simply never left their hometowns.

“Townies tend to get a bad rap, and there’s a popular misconception that they’re just lazy miscreants who drink all day rather than go to work, which couldn’t be further from the truth,” McCombs said from outside of the community college he’s enrolled in for the last seven years. “Most townies are gainfully employed as roofers, roofer’s assistants, or other jobs at their buddy’s company which allow them to drink at work — not to be confused with those who simply peaked in high school and have gone on to work at their dad’s car dealership in the nice suburb with the big Walmart.”

At press time, the gathering was not canceled on account of rain.

5 Pearl Jam Songs I Can’t Tell Apart

Posted on March 6, 2021 by Bobby Korec

When I think of iconic Seattle grunge bands, I immediately think of Nirvana. Then I remember Soundgarden and Alice in Chains. But eventually, I’m reminded of the one and only Pearl Jam, who is probably the most memorable. Nevertheless, these guys are clearly a legendary band whose songs I cannot for the life of me tell apart from each other.

And if it weren’t for my Shazam app doing most of the legwork, I would look like a complete fool trying to impress everyone with my music knowledge at 90s-themed parties. Anyway, let’s take a closer look at the five Pearl Jam songs I frequently cannot pick out of a crowd.

“Even Flow”
It takes a full minute for this banger to let me know this one goes by “Even Flow” thanks to Eddie Vedder yarling the title of the song in the chorus. I think I speak for everyone when I say the title should’ve been the very first words of the very first verse, instead of making me guess for a full 60 seconds.

“Alive”
No, wait. This might still be “Even Flow” playing. Whichever one this is, it sure does rip. I guess if you’re going to write a hit song, might as well write an alternate version of it with an equally vague title and an almost identical music video as a backup just in case. Absolutely brilliant move on their part.

“Yellow Ledbetter”
Sadly, they never identify the title of this song in the lyrics for us, making it nearly impossible to tell which one this is. And good luck trying to recall this nondescript name when you’re in a bind. Honestly, a little heads up in the chorus would’ve been nice.

“Animal”
Even with the tracklisting right in front of me, my success rate for correctly identifying this one is maybe 20% tops. It’s like trying to pick out the real Waldo in a “Where’s Waldo” if everyone in the picture was dressed as Waldo. Or something like that.

“Plush”
This is actually one of my absolute favorite Pearl Jam songs from their album called “Stone Temple Pilots.” My friend even once dragged me to see PJ live and I’m pretty sure they played this one four or five times. Hard to tell, really. Anyway, I can’t say enough nice things about this band.

Woman Who Helped Punk Get Clean Hated by All His Friends

Posted on March 6, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local punk Gary “Crutch” Burke’s girlfriend Jacquelyn Flowers, who helped Burke get off of drugs, stop living on the street, and is paying for this psychiatrist, is also completely reviled by all of Burke’s supposed best friends, embittered acquaintances confirmed.

“What a fucking succubus,” said Benny Austin, one of Burke’s oldest friends. “Crutch used to be one of the craziest, most fun guys I ever met — now all he does is exercise and take classes at the community college, thanks to that bitch. This was the guy who once ate a handful of Percocets and dove off the DuSable Bridge in February. Sure, if he kept it up he’d be dead within two years, but what a fucking amazing two years that would have been. Oh, and I heard he stopped eating gum he found on the street because of her! Fuck that.”

For her part, Flowers does not seem to understand the issue the friend group has with her.

“All I’ve wanted to do is help Gary get healthy and treat his body a little better. Us enjoying some fresh fruit every now and again is apparently some sort of death sentence,” said Flowers while hemming Burke’s favorite vest. “He literally had scurvy when I met him; it’s not like I made [Burke] stop hanging out with his friends or made him move to the suburbs or something. All I’m asking is that they don’t dare him to drink Windex or joyride in stolen cars anymore. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I invited [Austin] over to dinner to get to know him, and he spat on me.”

Psychologist Silvia Fletcher explained that this is very common among men in their 20s.

“The male peer group is surprisingly fragile and can be easily upset,” said Fletcher. “While they claim to care about the other members of that group, in reality it seems they only want what fun and adventure the other members can provide them. If the person becomes what they deem as a ‘wet blanket,’ they look for an outside agitator to blame, even if that supposed agitator has the best interest of the person at heart. We call it the ‘Yoko Ono Paradox.’”

Burke’s friends later claimed he is now “dead to them” after he allegedly opened a checking account.

Former Cards Against Humanity Writer Keeps Pitching ‘Cum Goblin’ to Wizards of the Coast

Posted on March 5, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

RENTON, Wash. — Former Cards Against Humanity writer Marc Weaver has reportedly frustrated his new coworkers at Magic: the Gathering after repeatedly pitching his idea for a “cum goblin” card to be added to the newest set, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’m a guy who writes cards. It’s what I do! I know that Wizards of the Coast hired me because of my background and experience, and after years working for Cards Against Humanity, I know what kind of cards pack a punch. That’s what I wanted to make a splash — pun absolutely intended — with a big cum joke,” Weaver explained. “And I did my research! Cum goblin would have fit perfectly into their whole new set, which is some fantasy thing or whatever that I’m sure has goblins.”

Clare Bird, the writer at Wizards of the Coast who hired Weaver, says that she hopes they can find a way for him to fit in with the team more.

“I was just hoping to get some new ideas in the writers room. I didn’t really know what Cards Against Humanity is, but I figured having experience writing cards would be good, especially if it has some sort of battle system. Now I know that ‘Against Humanity’ just means filling in blanks with the word ‘AIDS,’” Bird said. “That being said, the guy has some OK ideas! His idea for a land card called Bog of Dead Babies was a bit much, but we ended up using the evil bog idea in the end. And you know what? Maybe we’ll even include just a normal, non-cum goblin!”

Weaver, however, has not been deterred by his co-workers telling him “no.”

“I’ve got the whole thing planned out. We can have a whole cum tribe, where all the cum creatures boost each other,” Weaver said. “You gotta watch out for their effect, though: sticky. Sticky is when a cum-goblin, or any other cum creature, be it a cum-orc, cum-troll, or cum-quat, gets cum on your creatures. This slows them down, making it impossible for them to defend incoming attacks for two turns. Obviously this all fits nicely into a mono-white deck.”

Despite Weaver’s issues at his new job, he’s reportedly still doing better than a former Magic employee desperately trying to understand why the other Cards Against Humanity writers are telling him there’s no way to make a funny joke out of his idea for a card called Groth’rar the Executor.

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Poser: This Baby Wearing a Carhartt Beanie Sucks at Smoking Cigarettes

Posted on March 5, 2021 by Julia Zhen

These days, most people don’t care to know anything about the brands they wear. E-girls love wearing Thrasher despite never having stepped foot on a skateboard and my 89-year-old grandma wears Champion for comfort, even though she’s never won a championship in her long, championshipless life. You may not care about what the brand your wearing represents, but I do. So if you’re wearing a Carhartt beanie, don’t be surprised if I offer you a cigarette outside of the bar. And if you happen to be a baby wearing your mom’s Carhartt beanie, then tell your mom not to get mad when I tell her you suck at smoking them.

For real, this baby seriously sucked at smoking. He looked lost, uncertain, and on the verge of either tears or a poo-poo. I gave him a slap on his little baby back and told him I felt the same my first time. Then he coughed. Like, a lot. What a fucking baby.

Can you believe it? Even though he was wearing a Carhartt beanie, he started choking and gagging as soon as I lit up his ‘rette. Get it together or don’t wear the beanie! Hell, when I was his age, every Carhartt product came with a pack of cigarettes. I gotta say, in all my years of putting lit items in the mouths of strangers based on their clothing brands, I have never run into such a poser as this guy.

When I was coming up—and admittedly a total poser—all the guys used to bully me into becoming the genuine person I am today. Times sure have changed since then, but I knew I had to give this new guy a stern talking to. I told him, “Hey man. Look, if you’re gonna come around here and sit in your stroller outside Mikey’s wearing that Carhartt beanie, you gotta expect to socialize with the locals here. When you’re offered a cigarette, you take it and smoke it like you’re one of us. Got it?”

Okay so at this point he just started losing his mind. He wasn’t even forming sentences. Just saying a bunch of nonsense words. He must’ve been hammered. I thought maybe he just needed a bite to eat so I gave him the rest of my Heineken and some pretzels. Did you know modern strollers have like 45 cupholders? Back in the day, my mom had to hold BOTH our roadies. These kids today don’t know how good they have it.

30-Year-Old Found Dead After Standing up Too Fast

Posted on March 5, 2021 by Josh Klasco

DENVER — Local man Matti Mukdam was found dead in his apartment last week, one day after his 30th birthday, as a result of standing up too fast, an autopsy confirms.

“I warned him about this. I told him he needs to learn to rock back and forth a few times before standing and make sure he’s bracing himself against the wall, or he could hurt himself,” said Mukdam’s boyfriend Ben Zugo. “Matti’s body was able to process unimaginable amounts of drugs and junk food back when we first started dating — we used to survive for weeks on end consuming nothing but cocaine and donuts. Then, suddenly, he turns 30, stands up, and his body basically explodes. I will always remember him as a vital young man, rather than a brittle, old tricenarian.”

Veteran paramedic Assaf Pegerim noted that incidents like these are all too common.

“This is the fifth call I’ve had this month regarding a young man dying like this. You think I’d be numb by now, but it never stops breaking your heart,“ said Pegerim. “Scientifically speaking, people in their 20s are pretty much invincible, but once you cross that threshold into your third decade you’re playing by a whole new set of rules. In your 20s, you can pretty much sustain yourself solely on gum you find stuck to the bottom of tables and, after eating your fill of table gum, stand up as fast as you please. In your 30s, though, it’s time to kiss that fast-standing lifestyle goodbye.”

Adam Kashish operates the Portland Retirement Castle, a retirement home catering to people in their 30s where the motto is, “Life doesn’t have to end with your 20s.”

“Sure, your lifestyle changes, but at our facility, changing your life doesn’t mean ending your life,“ ensures Kashish. “We take our residents on weekly trips to the skatepark — though they’re only allowed to watch, talk shit, and yell at kids to do a kickflip. Our cafeteria serves healthy versions of nostalgic food like Lunchables, astronaut ice cream, and Gushers. And every night we screen classic movies from the mid-90s. With our help, you can have a rich, fulfilling life all the way into your 40s!”

Mukdam’s friends are hoping to avoid his fate by turning 29 for a second time.

Photo by Jay Shingle.

2 – That One XL Shirt Your Mom Got You That Says “I’ll Always Be Mom’s Li’l Angel”

1 – Hard Drive’s Sega Bass Fishing Tee

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