Ben Shapiro Criticizes Georgia O’Keeffe Paintings for Not Looking Like Anything

Posted on March 9, 2021 by Rob Steinberg

LOS ANGELES — Political commentator Ben Shapiro admitted today that he doesn’t like the paintings of renowned artist Georgia O’Keeffe because her works “look like absolutely nothing.”

“This is what’s considered art?” Shapiro commented, in his self-published YouTube video titled, “Ben Shapiro DESTROYS Georgia O’Keeffe in this clip.’’ “It’s just flowers. I have some in my backyard. Supposedly they’re supposed to look like something else, but honestly, it looks like nothing I’ve ever seen before — it’s just a collection of plants and desertscapes that, for some reason, make me feel anxious and extremely confused. If I want to see real art, I’ll look at something deep, like a Civil War painting or Dr. Seuss’ old stuff.”

Shapiro’s supporters from the intellectual dark web agreed with his scathing take on the non-issue.

“Kek kek kek bro be rite paintings trash,” Shapiro fan Frederick Hendrucks commented on the video. “It’s all make-believe anyways because it’s a painting and not a picture, duh.”

“All I see here is a warm glow reminiscent of the Northern New Mexican landscape and several soft, smooth and inviting curves that also pulsate with sensuality and really have me craving perfectly ripe peaches kind of out of nowhere,” agreed YouTube user DogPanttt06. “Don’t quit your day job, O’Keeffe.”

Sources say the Daily Wire founder was inspired to open his mouth again after visiting an art gallery that displayed much of O’Keeffe’s works.

“He was so confused and frustrated staring at these paintings. At one point, he challenged a painting to a debate and demanded it tell him what it’s supposed to look like,” gallery curator Denise Applewood recalled. “I couldn’t understand most of it, because his voice was so high and fast it sounded like an unhappy chipmunk record. Though honestly, it’s nice that somebody didn’t mistake her work for depictions of vaginas for once. Well, not consciously at least.”

Shapiro similarly accused Jackson Pollock of painting “socialist propaganda” last year, claiming he was “beginning to see AOC’s feet” in Pollock’s “Tempest” drip painting.

We Interviewed Beck but It Turned Out To Be Michael Cera in a Big Hat

Posted on March 9, 2021 by Jake Menez

Few musicians have had a career as consistently successful as Beck Hansen. The 50-year-old Los Angeles native has been called everything from rockstar to the next Bob Dylan to that guy from the Futurama episode since his rise in the early 90s with hits like “Loser” and “Where It’s At.” The Hard Times sat down with Beck for a wide-ranging interview. Unfortunately, we accidentally interviewed Michael Cera in a big hat, mistaking him for Beck.

Here is our exclusive interview with Beck Hansen because Michael Cera was too polite to correct our mistake and really, tried his best.

The Hard Times: Let’s start with a question I bet you don’t get very often. Scott Pilgrim vs the World just had its tenth anniversary. What was your experience like working on that?

Michael Cera in a Big Hat: [Laughs] I actually get asked about that one a lot. It was such a fun experience and Edgar Wright is a phenomenal director. He’s so funny. He made the whole process a blast and it’s exciting that the movie still has such a following. The fans are great and it’s always so cool to see the way they celebrate the movie.

The songs you wrote for the movie were a lot of fun. What was it like working with Michael Cera on them?

Wait, what? But I am–oh jeez. Do you think I’m Be–okay. Um, Michael Cera is great. I’ve spent a lot of time with him and I feel like I know him really well. Great’s a strong word… he’s just a sweet guy who uh… maybe he tries too hard to not let people down. It’s hot in here!

Oh, okay. Speaking of people you’ve worked with, your newest album has several tracks you did with Pharrell Williams. How did that come about?

Oh, um, sometimes it just works out? I’d been a big fan since I heard his music and knew I had to get him onto this album.

Some of his solo stuff or his work with NERD? What’s your favorite?

Ummm…the one from the ‘Despicable Me’ movie?

Interesting choice! Looking back at your own songs, are there any that stand out as favorites or any you wish you’d done differently?

Well, I love “Devil’s Hairdo,” even if I don’t really know what it’s about. It’s just so catchy.

Don’t you mean “Devil’s Haircut?”

Oh yeah! Isn’t that what I said? It would be weird if I didn’t know my own songs [nervous laugh]

Easy mistake to make. Now for the big question. Your new album, Hyperspace, came out around the same time your marriage ended. Did that have any influence on the songs?

Well, um. My marriage…uh…aw man. I’m so sorry, I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.

Was that question too personal?

No, no. I’m not even Beck. I’m Michael Cera. You just seemed so excited to meet him. I’m so sorry! I’ll leave now. I’m sorry.

Oh my god seriously?! I’m so sorry! I feel like an idiot, it’s the hat man, the hat totally makes you look like Beck!

Yeah, dumb hat. Stupid, stupid. Should not have worn this hat, my fault. I’m just gonna take this hat off and give it to a… a hat charity.

Well, can I interview you?

Oh, gosh, I’m flattered! I mean I do have a flight to catch but I can just move that around I guess…

No no that’s okay! How about next week at 3 pm?

3 pm next week, you’re on. I will be here. Just try and stop me! Haha yeah, that sounds great. I will be right here next week at 3 pm for that interview.

He wasn’t.

Pregnant 311 Fan Already Wasted All Her Favorite Names on Bongs

Posted on March 9, 2021 by Ted Pillow

SAN DIEGO — Seven-months pregnant 311 fan Shannon Kerrigan regrets using all of her favorite potential baby names on several sick bongs over the last 18 years, confirmed alarmed sources.

“My biggest motto is ‘no regrets,’ which is why I have this tattoo on the back of my neck of a mischievous Calvin pissing on the word ‘regrets,’” Kerrigan explained while cruising in her Jeep Wrangler and blasting 311’s “Come Original.” “But I gotta admit, I actually do regret giving the name Sylvester Stillstoned to a gnarly, three-foot bong instead of my beautiful, unborn son. Look, I’d never trade the days I spent ripping hits from a gas mask in the parking lot before 311 shows. But, if my son decides he wants to be a doctor, I’ll definitely be kicking myself for bestowing that gas mask with the name Dr. Dankenstein. The younger me was so impulsive.”

Kerrigan’s husband Alex is deeply concerned with his wife’s list of potential names.

“This is getting out of hand — yesterday I walked into the nursery, and found Shannon stenciling ‘The Grim Reefer’ on the wall over the crib,” Alex confided. “I keep telling her these names weren’t meant for a human child in the first place. There have been a lot of other red flags that make me wonder if we’re really ready. I mean, her hospital ‘go’ bag is just an old Jansport backpack full of loose trail mix and a DVD of ‘Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.’”

311 has a long association with marijuana use, and its members admit that the Kerrigan’s struggle is a common issue for its fans.

“We can relate to Shannon’s dilemma. We were at a similar crossroads deciding on a band name all the way back in 1988,” admitted 311 vocalist and guitarist Nick Hexum. “But my advice is to choose a name wisely, because it lasts forever. Let us be a warning: we’ve spent the last 30 years of our lives in a band named after the police code for indecent exposure, and our bassist is a 46-year-old grown man named P-Nut.”

Sources say Shannon has since looked up the most common baby names for boys last year, but unfortunately for the couple, she had previously owned “absolutely devastating“ bongs named Liam, Noah, and Jackson.

America Unsure If Pandemic Is One of Those Scripted Fights You’re Supposed to Lose

Posted on March 8, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — As the infection rates and death counts throughout the nation continue to slowly creep upwards, citizens throughout the United States have begun to collectively wonder whether the coronavirus pandemic is one of those scripted fights that you’re supposed to lose.

“Things have been so hard for so long, I’m just starting to think this is one of those classic situations where you’re supposed to keep taking damage until you’re within an inch of life and then suddenly there’s some divine intervention that saves you and moves the story along,” said local man Ryan Wassinger, haphazardly eating indoors at a restaurant without using any hand sanitizer first. “After I saw that Texas is opening back up to 100%, it made me think they must be trying to speed up the process. Makes sense, in these situations you want to get close to death as quickly as possible.”

Others agreed that the seemingly insurmountable odds of the nation’s pandemic response has all the trappings of an impossible-to-beat boss fight.

“This is just like Mega Man X when you have to fight Vile in the first stage,” said Louis Cole while confidently throwing away face masks he was certain he wouldn’t need any more. “It’s like, hang on, I’m supposed to beat this huge scary guy piloting a giant fighting robot suit? And he’s shooting these huge bullets at me in between punching me with his giant robot arms? But of course, when you get down to 1 HP, your friend Zero comes in and saves the day. That’s the exact same thing that’s happening with the pandemic. Once we’re all sick, I’m sure Zero will come and save us like he always does.”

At press time, Americans started to second-guess the scripted fight theory after realizing that being incorrect could mean accidentally triggering a game over.

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Where are they now? Every guy with stained sheets on Room Raiders

Posted on March 8, 2021 by Rebecca Acevedo

Of the 178 reality shows MTV released between 2002-2005, none of them quite popularized using a blacklight to look for semen on bed sheets like “Room Raiders.”

We recently checked in with some of those disgusting contestants to see what they’ve been up to since the show.

“Right now, I am in between jobs. Not sure if I still want to do bandaid art or buckle down and invest in my cousin’s weed dispensary for cats,” said Matt L. from season 2, episode 4. “I keep up with the other Matt from my episode. He’s a libertarian and posts memes about chemtrails. As for my stains, I had bloody stool and shit the bed a few weeks before the show because I had been drinking all night with a bunch of babes. That’s why my orange sheets had a tinge of bronze.”

Interestingly, our research found that a significant number of the “Room Raiders” contestants with stained sheets were named either Matt or Steve. While many of the Matts work in “finance,” others became comedians or at least believe they’re funny enough to do comedy. Most of the Stevens became pharmacists that skim pills from the elderly. Others, like Matt F. (s9 ep5), tried to capitalize on their fame.

“I tried to use ‘Room Raiders’ to launch my acting slash modeling career. I took some classes and was told by multiple improv teachers to keep buying classes but it never panned out for me,” said Matt F. “Now I find stuff and sell it at pawn shops. No girlfriend still but lots of options. I remember one of the other contestants named Steve had a Ninja Turtles sheet with crusty stains on April O’Neil. He’s an HR manager now.”

While many of the slovenly contestants went down divergent paths, their similarities were surprising. For instance, 10% were awaiting trial for mail fraud or had warrants for their arrests in Florida. And a shocking 55% had married and divorced women named Amber. But perhaps the least surprising fact is 100% of the contestants have yet to wash their sheets since filming the show, but all claimed they will “totally get around to it soon.”

Punk Band Finally Finishes Anti-Trump Album

Posted on March 8, 2021 by Josh Fernandez

TEMPE, Ariz. — Punk band Precedent Smashers celebrated the release of their new album “Bash the Cheeto” yesterday, which they believe will be the final piece in dethroning former President Donald J. Trump, earnestly out-of-touch band members confirmed.

“We consider this album the nail in the coffin for the tyrannical, orange sack of shit. Sure, the government can impeach this tiny-handed fascist, but we all know the system doesn’t work for us, and the only thing that will oust this king of the slackjaws is the power of raw street punk!” said vocalist Ivan Pulido of the blistering 12-track debut they’ve been working on since 2016, while pulling out his dick and pissing on a MAGA hat. “My fave track has gotta be ‘Mango Mussolini’s Reckoning,’ that goes like, ‘Your time has come, fascist clown/golden showers ‘til you drown/open wide and shit in your mouth/we won’t sleep until you’re out!’ We put a lot of thought and time in these lyrics, and we’re stoked to know Donnie will get the message that he needs to bounce the fuck outta here.”

However, due to the timing of its release, “Bash the Cheeto” is leaving fans and friends slightly confused and a little embarrassed.

“They live in a squat house without Wi-Fi or any access to television, so it makes sense that they’re a little behind on current events, I guess,” said fan Angel Banuelos. “But they’re really proud and so optimistic about this album’s potential impact in ousting Trump that nobody’s really said anything. Some of these song titles are so cringe, though — I mean, ‘We’ll Fight Trump in a Cage Match,’ ‘Fuck the Uglyass Trump Kids, Too,’ ‘Skinheads Against Racist Trump (S.H.A.R.T.)’ and ‘Make America Not Vote for Trump Again’ are just the ones that I can remember off the top of my head. There are like, 40 more that are each 50 seconds long.”
Former President Trump’s press secretary Kayleigh McEnany was neither impressed nor concerned when alerted about the brutal takedown.

“I don’t even work in the White House anymore, I don’t talk to Trump, and I have never heard of this stupid fucking band or their dumb album,” said an irate McEnany. “Everyone knows I only listen to country.”
At press time, nobody had the heart to tell Precedent Smashers that Joe Biden took office weeks ago.

Help!: I Forgot Which Chris Isaak Song To Fuck To!

Posted on March 8, 2021 by Dan Rice

I’ve never really been that interested in sex but recently decided to give it a try after reading an article about its numerous physical and psychological health benefits. While inexperienced, I am quite knowledgeable about the subject thanks to its prevalence in popular film and television.

I had a meet-cute with an attractive woman I accidentally hit with my car door. We had coffee, then dinner, and tonight she has agreed to come to my apartment where I believe she will consent to intercourse with me. There’s just one problem: I forgot which Chris Isaak song the people on TV always fuck to!

What a wicked game this is! Literally, everything else is in place. I have showered, brushed my teeth, and applied a reasonable amount of cologne. My apartment is clean. The lighting is intimate and inviting, and I have prepared a light yet tantalizing meal, complete with red red wine. But if I don’t find this song to play during a crucial moment of silence after which we lock eyes and both say something like “hey,” I’m afraid it’s just not gonna happen. I watched a lot of ‘90s television to prepare for this moment, and that song is absolutely crucial to the lovemaking process.

Before you ask yes, I tried Shazam. Unfortunately my recollection of the song in question, “breewww rrreeeeeeeerrr and it’s all sexy” yielded no results. It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.

I even tried looking up Chris Isaak on Spotify, a music streaming service to which I subscribe. I skipped the most popular track (it’s never that one) and then song after song failed to put me in the proverbial “mood.”

The clock is ticking. She’ll be here any minute. I really don’t want to blow it, I don’t know how many more chances like this I’ll get. I’m not from here, and I could get called back any day now. When that happens I would love to tell my friends and colleagues that I successfully copulated with a human earth female. And after all of this preparation what with the grooming and the cooking and the red wine…

Wait a minute, that’s it! Red Red Wine by UB40! I’ve seen TV people fuck to that song too! Phew, crisis averted. Now I just need to figure out how erections work.

Local Man Adds ‘Happy International Women’s Day’ To His 2 AM ‘U Up?’ Text

Posted on March 8, 2021 by Sarah Cassell

DAYTON, Ohio — Self-described ‘investor and former plaintiff in a PAC 12 rowing/college admissions scandal, Braden Wade, embarked on a “holistic communications revamp” by adding “Happy International Women’s Day!” to the end of his late-night messaging campaign.

“This day only comes around every so often, so I have to let bitches of all shapes and sizes and ages know I respect and care about them,” Wade commented whilst searching ‘best Jordan Peterson burns’ on his parents’ YouTube Premium account. “I mean, it’s a day to celebrate them and the fact that they can read and even vote now so yeah, the way I see it, it’s never too early in the morning to wish them the best and see what they have planned for the big day or even during a time when most people are sleeping.”

Susan Shumate, whom Wade went on two dates with three years ago, is just one of the many, many women the supportive ally reached out to in his hour of need.

“I mean, I woke up to this text from the middle of the night. I guess he was the first one to wish me happy International Women’s Day, but it was literally two hours into the day, and he spelled it ‘woman day,’ so I don’t know,” Shumate said. “I’m confused, like did he have this day set on the calendar? Does he do this every year, and has this ever worked for him? The mermaid emoji can’t possibly appeal to anyone, right? I just responded ‘thanks xx’ and blocked him.”

Wade’s roommate commented on this apparent pattern.

“He does this every holiday, thinking it’s gonna get him laid. He texts girls on Boxing Day, All Saints Day, the first night of Diwali, the anniversary of the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights, the third night of Diwali, and on Ash Wednesday,” Brian Davis said. “It doesn’t even make sense. I mean he’s actually under house arrest for skipping his court appearance after his second DUI so he’s just been compulsively swiping for weeks. Which isn’t a huge stretch for him, actually.”

At press time, Wade had seven iMessage threads open with estranged Hinge matches, letting them know “It’s your day. I want to take you to a niche Italian restaurant with food as edible as your ass — Happy int womamm day!”

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on March 7, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

Welcome to our weekly comment roundup, featuring only the finest in snappy response-based internet comedy. Each of these curated comments are appraised by Shitpost Experts with 200k followers (minimum) and are tested for topical freshness. They pair nicely with a Code Red, or if you are especially rich-blooded, a Crystal Pepsi. I will be your steward tonight, so allow me to show you our selection…

Plastic Surgeon: “So what kind of look are you hoping for?”

Furry: “Like I’m the OC of someone who can’t draw hands.”

Surgeon: “Ah, right then. Now let’s discuss payment…”

Furry: “Payment? Listen, the exposure I’m going to be giving you will bring in LOTS of customers! I’m very popular.”

Bug fixes for v. 1.03:

Fixed Dad looping shame animation after failing to make a basketball throw.
“Lecture” gives buff as intended instead of incurring negative status effects.
Dad is no longer able to detect you playing your Switch after bedtime through walls.
Dad will no longer give “Ask your mother” dialogue if divorced.
Dad can no longer be simultaneously angry and disappointed.

He was actually in the original cut of the film, but people in the lower right of the theater kept jumping up and punching the screen so he had to be cut out.

I was going to be a nitpicker and point out that you said he’s both in hell and a better place, but then I thought about it more and realized you were right. At least he’s finally safe from SEGA. For now.

We wouldn’t let these through on The Onion either, because it’s solid gold we want all to ourselves, baby.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

Entire Band Silently Contemplating Grad School at Same Time

Posted on March 7, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — Every single member of the local band Starving Hysterical were seriously considering going back to school to earn Masters degrees at the exact same time during band practice earlier this week, unbeknownst to the other members of the band, sources considering their own return to higher education confirm.

“I got a text from each one of them separately at almost the exact same time a few nights ago,” said Starving Hysterical de facto manager and friend Shelley McCoy. “One of them asked me what an MBA was, another wondered if I liked going to San Francisco State, and another asked if I thought he would make a good lawyer… and all of them begged me not to tell others in the band. They must have all had the exact same thought at the exact same time — I wish they had that same mental connection when they actually played together.”

The band themselves did seem to notice something weird was going on, but couldn’t put their finger on it.

“We were working on a new song, and I made some joke about how I was almost 40 and only have $18 to my name,” guitarist Darryl Massey said from the studio apartment he shares with three other people. “Then the room went really silent as we all just stared off into the distance. I personally was wondering what my life would be like if I became a high-school music teacher. It seemed like I was lost in thought for like five seconds, but when I came back to reality, I realized it had been 35 minutes and no one had moved.”

Career counselor and life coach Dr. Michele Mendez, Ph.D. explained that this is actually a very common occurrence.

“These musicians don’t want their bandmates thinking they aren’t committed to the band, but they also have their futures to think about,” Mendez explained after meeting with every member of Starving Hysterical without the others’ knowledge. “Some are just tired of touring, some want to start families, and some are facing the realization that the ‘big break’ may never come. But they don’t tell anyone they want to become vet techs for fear of ‘selling out.’”

As of press time, every member of Starving Hysterical had signed up for an online GRE prep course using an ‘incognito’ Chrome window.

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