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Help!: I Forgot Which Chris Isaak Song To Fuck To!

I’ve never really been that interested in sex but recently decided to give it a try after reading an article about its numerous physical and psychological health benefits. While inexperienced, I am quite knowledgeable about the subject thanks to its prevalence in popular film and television.

I had a meet-cute with an attractive woman I accidentally hit with my car door. We had coffee, then dinner, and tonight she has agreed to come to my apartment where I believe she will consent to intercourse with me. There’s just one problem: I forgot which Chris Isaak song the people on TV always fuck to!

What a wicked game this is! Literally, everything else is in place. I have showered, brushed my teeth, and applied a reasonable amount of cologne. My apartment is clean. The lighting is intimate and inviting, and I have prepared a light yet tantalizing meal, complete with red red wine. But if I don’t find this song to play during a crucial moment of silence after which we lock eyes and both say something like “hey,” I’m afraid it’s just not gonna happen. I watched a lot of ‘90s television to prepare for this moment, and that song is absolutely crucial to the lovemaking process.

Before you ask yes, I tried Shazam. Unfortunately my recollection of the song in question, “breewww rrreeeeeeeerrr and it’s all sexy” yielded no results. It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.

I even tried looking up Chris Isaak on Spotify, a music streaming service to which I subscribe. I skipped the most popular track (it’s never that one) and then song after song failed to put me in the proverbial “mood.”

The clock is ticking. She’ll be here any minute. I really don’t want to blow it, I don’t know how many more chances like this I’ll get. I’m not from here, and I could get called back any day now. When that happens I would love to tell my friends and colleagues that I successfully copulated with a human earth female. And after all of this preparation what with the grooming and the cooking and the red wine…

Wait a minute, that’s it! Red Red Wine by UB40! I’ve seen TV people fuck to that song too! Phew, crisis averted. Now I just need to figure out how erections work.