Rush Limbaugh Emerges from Pet Sematary Unchanged

LUDLOW, Maine — Weeks after Rush Limbaugh’s devastated fans buried him in Pet Sematary hoping to reanimate the polarizing radio personality, Limbaugh defied all odds by emerging from the notoriously possessed cemetery unchanged.

“Aside from the yellow eyes, he honestly seems the same, if not even a little more tolerant and kind than the man we buried,” said podcaster Joe Rogan, brushing the residual dirt from Limbaugh’s suit jacket. “I was a little nervous to bury him in there after the townspeople said he’d come back a violent, unfeeling monster, but so far we’ve observed no change in his personality.”

Ludlow residents have long-feared the ancient burial ground after learning of its mysterious ability to reanimate the dead into demonic versions of their former selves, but Limbaugh’s fans could not be deterred by warnings from locals.

“Ayuh, I tried to tell Limbaugh’s people that the ground up there is funny,” said local farmer Gus Bennett. “I told them that sometimes what you put into the soil… ain’t always what you get back. Man is only man for so long before he becomes a monster. I thought I was getting through to them, but then they asked me if I was Antifa and walked away chanting ‘U-S-A.’”

Limbaugh emerged from his shallow grave two weeks after being buried by fans, including household names like Ann Coulter, Rand Paul, and Ariel Pink.

“As a pro-lifer, I couldn’t take death lying down,” said Limbaugh from behind a cloud of cigar smoke. “How could my spirit concede to the afterlife knowing that the fight for unequal rights was ongoing? As long as homelessness, Michael J. Fox, and San Francisco exist, I will be there to make fun of them. I even plan on buying plots for my whole family, and maybe Glenn Beck if he’s lucky.”

Still believing himself to be president, former Pres. Donald J. Trump has since announced his plans to award the resurrected Limbaugh with a second medal of freedom.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia.

6 Amazing Taco Bell Hacks From My Dad’s Video Will

Fast food is all about reliability, but sometimes you crave something new and exciting. That’s why we’re sharing six mind-blowing hacks you can use to spice up your Taco Bell order, straight from my dad’s video will!

#1: Did you know you can order nacho cheese Doritos shells broken up instead of regular tortilla chips in your Nachos BellGrande? My dad sure did, and it’s the kind of lesson I would have loved to have paid attention to when I was young and thought we would have all the time in the world to talk. Seeing him on his deathbed, still teaching me how to hack Taco Bell, really drove it home that he was actually gone.

#2: Always ask for a fresh cup when you get a refill, that way you won’t have a bunch of ice melt watering down your Baja Blast! Dad could walk up to the counter at any Taco Bell and ask them to do that with a confidence I’ll never have. It was really hard to see that confidence gone as he mimed holding out an empty cup, his hand trembling with effort.

#3: Grill your burrito! Sounds simple, but the extra pop of flavor you get having the kitchen pop that Beefy 5-Layer Burrito on the grill to get it nice and toasty is something not to be missed. Unlike Dad, who I miss every day.

#4: Try substituting beef in your quesadilla for shredded chicken! That’s the next thing my father advised in his last testament. It’s a lot like how when I was 17, Mom passed and he started spending a lot of time with Linda. She was holding his hand as he gasped for breath in the video.

#5: Those sauces are free, load up! I still don’t know how Dad had the strength to get his one out.

#6: Learn to make your own quesarito, don’t wait for life to give you one. I think this might have actually just been a metaphor, it’s a lot easier to buy a quesarito than make one at home.

There you have it! All the Taco Bell wisdom my father had to give me in his last moments, caught on video for me to watch over and over, wishing that I had just one more minute with him! Remember my dad’s final words: Live mas!

Local Scene Rallies in Support for Merch Guy Who Fell Down a Well

LINCOLN, Neb. — Scene members held a candlelight vigil last night for Gary Johnson, the still-alive merch guy for punk band The Orphan Molesters who fell into an abandoned well three days ago, mildly concerned sources confirmed.

“At first, we weren’t sure what happened — all we knew was that [Gary] wasn’t delivering beers to us at practice like usual, and after a while we got concerned. And annoyed,” explained Orphan Molesters guitarist Johnny “Clockwork” Clacowski. “Eventually, we found him in the well with his money-collecting arm trapped under a rock and, honestly, we kinda considered leaving him there. But he’s been so supportive of the band that we decided we needed to get the scene together to get him out of there. Or at least throw down some blankets, or a new zine for him to read.”

Scenester Gabe Courtney detailed the efforts made to extract Johnson from his subterranean entombment.

“First, we tried lowering a rope for him to climb up, but he was too preoccupied with sorting the rocks in the well by size and color to grab it,” said Courtney. “Then we tried digging a new well next to that one so we could get down to him, but that fell apart after we hit a hidden gas line. Our last-ditch effort was to write a protest song against the well, but with all that gas in the air, no one could form a coherent song structure. Actually, I’m gonna go lie down for a while myself.”

Johnson described, through a tin can tied to a string, how he got trapped in the well.

“I was just out picking wildflowers and trying to think of how I could get the band to let me play bass on a couple of songs, when the ground just gave out and I tumbled down here. I thought about yelling for help, but that’s never worked before so I decided not to waste my energy,” he explained. “It’s nice at least to see that the scene is here to support me — too often I feel like I’m unappreciated. Even though I’m trapped in a hole of abandoned sorrow, it keeps me going just to know that people will always need me to tell them ‘we’re out of mediums.’”

At press time, scene members were lowering a bucket containing a hacksaw and bottle of antiseptic into the well with the implication that Johnson would know what to do from there.

Twitch Updates Harassment Policy to Foster Creation of New, More Inventive Slurs

SAN FRANCISCO — Following a string of community controversies, the popular gaming website Twitch unveiled a new harassment policy aimed at cultivating the development of new, more inventive slurs, the company announced from its headquarters today.

“Since 2011, Twitch has been the premier destination on the internet for the incubation of online gaming toxicity,” said CEO Emmett Shear in a statement. “However, we’ve recently observed that our harassment policy has become outdated. That’s why we’re excited to unveil these new policies to help foster the development of the next generation of hate speech. Our community knows exactly how to sidestep our rules, and we’re confident that these changes will inspire and motivate them to create wildly inventive new toxic memes and dog whistles that none of us could possibly imagine today.”

Some Twitch users believe that the new rules, while restrictive, will ultimately have a positive impact for the community.

“Apparently they banned the words ‘simp’ and ‘virgin’ in chat, which is really a bummer,” said a Twitch user who asked to remain anonymous to avoid being banned. “But I’m not going to let this stop me. I’m just going to have to come up with even more cryptic phrases to sneak my horrible thoughts into the streams that I frequent. And who knows? Even if the mods catch on, me and my friends will probably have at least six months to spam these new phrases all over Twitch before they add to their list of forbidden words again. Circle of life!”

At press time, a new viral Twitter thread was urging Twitch to ban a dozen new hateful phrases that had sprung up since their announcement.

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6 Movies Where Christopher Walken Has a Watch Up His Ass But It Never Comes Up

Everyone knows about Christopher Walken’s enthralling “Pulp Fiction” monologue. But that’s not the only time this eccentric thespian has played a character with a secret timepiece hidden in his big, beautiful ass! Here’s six more movies in which Walken filled his backdoor with a watch:

“The Dead Zone” (1983)
In this Stephen King adaptation, Walken plays a man who awakens from a coma with psychic powers. However, the script originally included a subplot in which he sued the doctors who operated on him for accidentally leaving a Rolex in his colon. King has since confirmed he considers this the canonical explanation of the character’s supernatural visions.

“Batman Returns” (1992)
Ever notice that Walken’s dialogue as Max Shrek is incomprehensible due to a loud ticking sound that accompanies his scenes? Costar Michael Keaton has revealed that the loud ticking emanated from the rear of Walken’s pants and was extremely noticeable on set, but everyone was too terrified to ask Walken about it.

“Antz” (1998)
Walken only agreed to lend his voice to this children’s animated film after the producers added a monologue in which his character breaks the fourth wall to inform the audience that he gets off on having tiny wristwatches stuffed into his sexy little ant butt. Walken was understandably devastated however that the scene was left out of the final product, but assured fans he had a watch crammed way up his ass as he did the voiceover work.

“Sleepy Hollow” (1999)
Washington Irving’s classic 1820 short story opens with the Headless Horseman, distraught that he will never again know the correct time after mournfully placing a pocket watch into his hindquarters. The studio forced director Tim Burton to leave the scene out, but he performed a subtle homage by instructing Walken to ride his horse as if “he carried all the world’s sorrow in his big ‘ol sloppy butt.”

“Joe Dirt” (2001)
If it wasn’t for the Criterion Collection edition of “Joe Dirt,” we’d never know the entire Dirt family suffers from a hereditary illness known as “Internal Clock” syndrome. Thankfully, the original storyboards, 8 commentary tracks, and 184 minute “Making Of” featurette devote plenty of time to the Dirt family’s heartbreaking, previously unknown ailment.

“Click” (2006)
Adam Sandler is given a magical remote control by Walken in this fantasy comedy. But what you may not know is that Sandler and Walken filmed a scene in which the actors engage in inadvertent butt stuff after his character accidentally presses the remote’s “Masturbate Your Friend’s Butt with a Casio Watch” button. The scene was cut after a technical advisor noted that few remote controls have this feature.

Woman Calls Cops On Person for Not Having Home to Display Liberal Lawn Sign

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed activist Jane Lipton is in hot water with her community today after calling the cops on an unhoused neighbor for their inability to display an “In This House, We Believe” yard sign, multiple sources confirmed.

“An occupied tent near my house was alarming in and of itself, but I was even more distressed when I couldn’t find a single display of allyship. Like, for some reason, Black and Brown families are already moving out of this burgeoning neighborhood. It has so much potential, so the last thing we need is for a bigot to move in,” said Lipton, before throwing a “Resist” fist up at a Black family walking nearby. “As a white person, it’s my job to use my voice to tell the 9-1-1 operator about this man’s silence. Believe me, I read ‘White Fragility.’”

The victim of Lipton’s allyship, Sal Vasquez, became homeless after missing rent to pay for an emergency medical bill.

“First, I’m pitching this tent while trying to figure out how I’m going to pay off my appendectomy. Then, next thing I know, I’m getting harassed by cops saying that they got a call about a hate crime,” said Vasquez. “After they searched my belongings, one of the officers handed me a $500 ticket and a link to an Etsy shop. They told me that there’d better at least be a ‘Nevertheless, She Persisted’ embroidery hoop hung up when they came back, or I’d be breaking rocks at San Quentin for at least a decade.”

Susan Baker, the attributed creator of the “In This House, We Believe” sign, has since shown solidarity with Lipton and explained the story behind the sign.

“I was just scrolling through my Facebook feed when I saw an amazing graphic by an Indegenous artist I feel very deeply connected with. Minutes later, I was printing and putting it up on my lawn. Yes, I had to crop the original artist’s name off the bottom because of the poster board size, but it’s the message that matters,” said Baker. “And so far, I’ve gotten wonderful feedback from people like my new neighbor Kayleigh, who said it made our neighborhood feel instantly safer. So, now I’m proud to sell them to brave allies like Ms. Lipton. Fight on, girl!”

At press time, Lipton was unable to donate to Vasquez’s Gofundme to pay off his medical bill and recent ticket because she “literally just gave money to the Biden campaign.”

How To Do Yoga in a Way That Worships Satan

One of the most sacred rituals a person can perform for themselves is the practice of yoga. A yogi is at one with their mind, body, and spirit. But did you know that when practicing yoga, you can also worship the Fallen Light-Bearer himself, Satan?

A well-rounded practitioner of all things sacred, spiritual, and demonic should always be aware of all the possible ways to worship Lord Satan in day-to-day life.

Many only consider yoga to improve their flexibility, regulate digestion, and create a stronger connection to the core. But some practitioners find that the tranquility of yoga makes it easy to forget about their devotion to Lucifer, The Fallen One. To express your connection to the ruler of darkness, try renaming some yoga poses during your sessions. Instead of “sun salutation,” you and your peers can perform “burn the revelations.” Instead of “triangle pose,” you can perform “pentagram point,” and downward dog is now “sleeping hellhound.”

In addition to renaming the movements in glory to the Serpent Of Old, here are some common practices that we’ve found helpful in promoting a more perfect union between the soul and all that is unholy and vile:

– Kick things up a notch by performing your entire routine in backward Aramaic

– When choosing a location to practice yoga, pick a spot that prevents a baptism from happening

– Try using the still-warm blood of your vanquished enemies, instead of a mat.

We know The Morning Star’s benevolence lies in acts of self-care: getting your grope-y boss fired, flipping off a cop and getting away with it, canceling plans to take an hour-long boredom-shower. It is the same with Yoga. Lucifer doesn’t just disappear because you are reaping countless health benefits through mindful stretching. He is in all things, and ultimately you are strengthening your body in order to better serve The Father Of Lies.

If you have ever been nervous to take the plunge and give yoga a try, remember how rewarding the eternal flames of damnation will feel at the end of it all. Self-care and preservation should be celebrated and practiced as often as possible. It is the wish of Satan.

If you want a devil-worshipping, body-contorting, self-love experience, look no further than yoga. It is a wonderful practice that connects your mind to your body and your spirit to the bowels of hell.

Adorable Music Festival Thinks It’s Happening in 2021

SAN FRANCISCO — The Day by the Bay Music Festival very sweetly doubled down on announcing lineup reveals and VIP ticket deals yesterday, despite all evidence pointing to the impossibility of safely holding such an event in 2021, sympathetic music fans noticed.

“Gates open in exactly 200 days! We can’t wait to see your beaming faces in September,” announced festival organizer Michelle Trenner, who also reportedly still believes in Santa Claus at age 38. “The CDC says there’s a 0.4% chance things could be good by then, and that’s good enough for me to place all my hopes here and distract from the reality of another year in lonely isolation. VIP parking passes are almost sold out; more big announcements coming soon!”

While many bands are booked to play Day by the Bay, none actually believe Trenner’s insistence on the event’s viability.

“It’s like asking a terminally ill child what they want to be when they grow up,” explained Interpol frontman Paul Banks. “You just humor them because to actually face the gravity of the situation is too painful. Just let people believe what they need to get by. I haven’t booked plane tickets or a hotel for the fest, and I highly doubt I’ll have to. And while it’s nice to send emails about bookings again, I fully expect to be on my couch re-watching ‘New Girl’ and eating entire pints of ice cream that weekend.”

The Department of Health and Human Services continues to release guidance for the various business and events struggling to survive.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Is anyone even listening to me? That 0.4% possibility estimate for large gatherings is generous at best,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. “Mass graves! We had mass graves due to this disease… which keeps mutating, by the way. Are you forgetting about the mutations? We have goddamned the X-Men of infectious diseases out there killing Nana and Pap Pap, and you think you’re getting 8,000 people to watch Yeah Yeah Yeahs? They haven’t released an album since 2013.”

Trenner earned another massive helping of sympathy from the industry moments ago when she revealed she also thinks Affliction Clothing is coming back into style.

Dorian Gray Sells One-of-a-Kind Portrait as NFT

LONDON — Handsome young socialite Dorian Gray announced today that he’ll be distributing the digital rights to a one-of-a-kind portrait of himself as a non-fungible token, or NFT, sources confirmed earlier today.

The portrait, painted by the artist Basil Hallward, which “depicts [Mr. Gray] as he truly is,” will be digitized and sold as an NFT at auction with a starting price of $1 million. Although it may seem at first glance like the piece is simply a static image file, Mr. Gray has said that it is actually an extremely slow-speed animation that the owner will be able to exclusively witness as the portrait transforms over time.

“After Basil painted me, I was so inspired by it that I pledged my soul to whatever Earthly force could let me stay as young and beautiful as I am in the image,” said Mr. Gray. “Now thanks to the revolutionary NFT marketplace, my preserved likeness will transcend the physical world and stay as young and as vibrant as it is today, being circulated on the internet for years to come. Plus, with the proceeds, I’ll be able to fully commit myself to pursuing a life of hedonism and debauchery, which will lead to some very interesting changes to the picture later on. No spoilers, but you’re not going to want to miss out on the once in a lifetime chance to own this!”

At press time, Mr. Gray reassured detractors that his NFT portrait would also offset its own carbon footprint by slowly destroying itself instead of the environment.

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Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Then Say It To My Son’s Face

Hey, you! Think you’re smarter than a 5th grader? Well, I pray to God that you are because my 10-year-old son Caleb just won the spelling bee, and somebody needs to tell this kid he’s no fucking Einstein.

Someone more intelligent than me please get over here and humble my smart-alec son.

Sure, Caleb’s smart. He knows a lot about dinosaurs and coding and sometimes he even solves the puzzles on “Wheel of Fortune” before the contestants. But, unfortunately, he’s let all that go to his head. Ten years of constant praise from his parents and teachers got this punk thinking he’s Stephen Hawking reincarnated in Frankie Muniz’s body.

Now the little bastard won’t stop bragging about his brains. You know how it is: you let your kid beat you at checkers every single time for seven straight years and they start thinking Harvard’s gonna come calling any day now. Just last night I walked into the living room while he was playing some boring-ass video game, building an ugly house with a bunch of blocks in this chunky, N64-looking field. I asked him why there weren’t any guns or aliens or sexy archaeologists or at least a damn skateboard or something. And he just looked at me, shook his head in disgust, and grunted, “You wouldn’t even understand it anyway.”

This is where you come in. I need someone who’s smarter than a 5th grader and I need them NOW. Know the capital of North Dakota? I will pay you $100 to knock Caleb down a peg or two. Remember PEMDAS? Slide into my DMs to help me humiliate my boy. Know what the fuck Sacagewea is? I’ll straight-up poison your boss for you. Or just take the $100, your call.

I might not be a rocket scientist. Sure, it took me a few extra years to not finish high school. But if this little shit thinks he’s the smartest person in our house just because he doesn’t need to pause the opening to Star Wars movies and give himself a little extra time to sound out the big words, he’s got another goddamn thing coming. Because I am more than willing to show the brat once and for all that he isn’t nearly as smart as some random person I found on the internet and paid to embarrass him.

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