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How To Do Yoga in a Way That Worships Satan

One of the most sacred rituals a person can perform for themselves is the practice of yoga. A yogi is at one with their mind, body, and spirit. But did you know that when practicing yoga, you can also worship the Fallen Light-Bearer himself, Satan?

A well-rounded practitioner of all things sacred, spiritual, and demonic should always be aware of all the possible ways to worship Lord Satan in day-to-day life.

Many only consider yoga to improve their flexibility, regulate digestion, and create a stronger connection to the core. But some practitioners find that the tranquility of yoga makes it easy to forget about their devotion to Lucifer, The Fallen One. To express your connection to the ruler of darkness, try renaming some yoga poses during your sessions. Instead of “sun salutation,” you and your peers can perform “burn the revelations.” Instead of “triangle pose,” you can perform “pentagram point,” and downward dog is now “sleeping hellhound.”

In addition to renaming the movements in glory to the Serpent Of Old, here are some common practices that we’ve found helpful in promoting a more perfect union between the soul and all that is unholy and vile:

– Kick things up a notch by performing your entire routine in backward Aramaic

– When choosing a location to practice yoga, pick a spot that prevents a baptism from happening

– Try using the still-warm blood of your vanquished enemies, instead of a mat.

We know The Morning Star’s benevolence lies in acts of self-care: getting your grope-y boss fired, flipping off a cop and getting away with it, canceling plans to take an hour-long boredom-shower. It is the same with Yoga. Lucifer doesn’t just disappear because you are reaping countless health benefits through mindful stretching. He is in all things, and ultimately you are strengthening your body in order to better serve The Father Of Lies.

If you have ever been nervous to take the plunge and give yoga a try, remember how rewarding the eternal flames of damnation will feel at the end of it all. Self-care and preservation should be celebrated and practiced as often as possible. It is the wish of Satan.

If you want a devil-worshipping, body-contorting, self-love experience, look no further than yoga. It is a wonderful practice that connects your mind to your body and your spirit to the bowels of hell.