Press "Enter" to skip to content

Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? Then Say It To My Son’s Face

Hey, you! Think you’re smarter than a 5th grader? Well, I pray to God that you are because my 10-year-old son Caleb just won the spelling bee, and somebody needs to tell this kid he’s no fucking Einstein.

Someone more intelligent than me please get over here and humble my smart-alec son.

Sure, Caleb’s smart. He knows a lot about dinosaurs and coding and sometimes he even solves the puzzles on “Wheel of Fortune” before the contestants. But, unfortunately, he’s let all that go to his head. Ten years of constant praise from his parents and teachers got this punk thinking he’s Stephen Hawking reincarnated in Frankie Muniz’s body.

Now the little bastard won’t stop bragging about his brains. You know how it is: you let your kid beat you at checkers every single time for seven straight years and they start thinking Harvard’s gonna come calling any day now. Just last night I walked into the living room while he was playing some boring-ass video game, building an ugly house with a bunch of blocks in this chunky, N64-looking field. I asked him why there weren’t any guns or aliens or sexy archaeologists or at least a damn skateboard or something. And he just looked at me, shook his head in disgust, and grunted, “You wouldn’t even understand it anyway.”

This is where you come in. I need someone who’s smarter than a 5th grader and I need them NOW. Know the capital of North Dakota? I will pay you $100 to knock Caleb down a peg or two. Remember PEMDAS? Slide into my DMs to help me humiliate my boy. Know what the fuck Sacagewea is? I’ll straight-up poison your boss for you. Or just take the $100, your call.

I might not be a rocket scientist. Sure, it took me a few extra years to not finish high school. But if this little shit thinks he’s the smartest person in our house just because he doesn’t need to pause the opening to Star Wars movies and give himself a little extra time to sound out the big words, he’s got another goddamn thing coming. Because I am more than willing to show the brat once and for all that he isn’t nearly as smart as some random person I found on the internet and paid to embarrass him.